Lakehead University - Yearbook (Thunder Bay, Ontario Canada)

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THE NOR ' WESTER JOURNEY TO RUTUF — Continued improved educational system were placed In mental hospitals. Otis and 1 laughed at some of the ridiculous policies which the radicals emphasized: the study of the fundamentals of learning, of thinking clearly, and of com- municating properly. This last foolish topic included instruction in how to read for comprehension and speed, and how to write and speak correctly and effectively. Such departures from the traditional methods of the educational system would only result in the growth of political groups opposed to good, sound government. Hewhassayans had sound ideas about the qualifications necessary to enter university. Athletic ability and family prestige were the necessary qualifica- tions, rather than intelligence. Students with outstanding athletic ability, rather than students with superior intelligence, received scholarships or finan- cial aid. Otis told me that in South Alababeeboo, a province in the planet Afersleep, and to a lesser extent in Dickzeedee, in the lower regions of Hewhassay, people having certain physical characteristics were denied many privileges. In these places, persons with red hair and persons weighing more than one hundred and seventy-eight pounds, were considered to be second-class cit izens. The first-class citizens discriminated against them, and prevented them by law from living near their betters, riding in the public vehicles, or entering buildings owned by first-class citizens. I suggested that such bigoted, narrow-minded and prejudiced people must be sacrilegious monsters and heathens, if they did not agree with God who put all human beings into his universe with the intention that they should all be treated as people of equal importance. Otis! firmly denied my suggestion. In the land of Dickzeedee, said Otis, a great spiritual leader named Ig- natious Hickblare leads the people in emotional spiritual riots. He rants and raves, and the audience becomes temporarily insane. Ignatious Hickblare acquired his great ability as a spiritual leader by taking courses in public relations, advertising and salesmanship. I agreed with Otis about the achievements of Mr. Hickblare, after Otis told me of the large sums of money wnich Hickblare re ceived for his tireless efforts in influencing the people towards his spiritual ideas. As much as I enjoyed Otis ' company, I began to perceive that the Hewhas- sayans were becoming somewhat hostile toward me. On asking Otis the cause of their hostility, he informed me that they resented my auburn hair and sanguine complexion. There were even rumours that the Hewhassayan Investigating Committee was going to place me on its scales because they began to suspect that my weight was more than one hundred and seventy- eight pounds. Otis advised me to end my visit for my own safety. With the help of Otis, I immediately prepared for my return to Earth. It took us twenty-three minutes to fill my missile with the proper provisions. Then at twenty minutes to two, in the afternoon of May 22, 1996, I said farewell to Otis and shot off into space. Because of the mistake I made when I set the automatic guiding controls, my missile went forty-three million light miles in the wrong direction. Fortunately I corrected my mistake, and except for this short delay, I arrived back to Earth. My joy and enthusiasm at returning home multiplied when I was informed that my wife had just given birth to our fifth child, a girl. BY Z. THEODORE HONEY, PH. D. 20 —

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THE NOR ' WESTER JOURNEY TO RUTUF — Continued the power of the Hewhassayan perpetual motion machine. Into the crusher, Senator Burns pushed stacks of books. The senator took strong exception to certain books having brightly colored covers which hurt his eyes. He said that these dangerous books were a threat to the people ' s health, and unless they were put into his crusher to be destroyed, the whole population of Hew- hassay would become color-blind. Senator Morton Graft, who assisted Senator Burns, headed the Hewhassayan Investigating Committee, which investigated investigators investigating the citizens for signs of unconventional thoughts. Senator Graft charged with treason any citizen who advocated policies contrary to the traditional opinions of Hewhassay. Senator Graft also found guilty any citizen refusing to answer his interrogator ' s questions. Senator Graft publicly condemned the traitor before his trial. Judge Virgil Bridemore then sentenced the traitor to be deported to the terrible planet of Parasov, where people lived a life worse than death. Hewnassay constantly feared attack from Parasov because of its aggressive and hostile dictatorship called the Kremtreach. Fortunately, a great and won- derful invention, the nucleusonic bomb, preserved peace and prevented uni- versal warfare. One good thing about Parasov was the absence of unemployment. The pep- per mines and slave camps of sweltering Tropicornia, an unbearably hot and humid land in eastern Parasov, always provided opportunities with a future , and a substantial proportion of the population worked there. The M.K.B.D. (The Men who Kindly Butcher Deviates) was a marvellous organization which performed two functions. First, it continually watched over every activity of every citizen every minute of his life. Secondly, it was the employment agency for the Tropicornia pepper mines and slave camps, and it was instru- mental in procuring large numbers of workers. My Hewhassayan freind, Otis K. Zmpclbtx (pronounced Qsnrvpdk) told me he was a dog psychologist. He tested dogs to determine their I.Q. Dogs with superior intelligence were used to perform many minor tasks for the people. They were also taught to talk, and to play football, baseball, and other sports. I particularly admired the educational system in Hewhassay. Otis and I had much in common in that we both possessed a vast amount of information on a variety of worthwhile subjects. We both had memorized significant speech- es from the classics of our languages. He was delighted when I was able to quote twenty-five lines from Polonius ' speech beginning: And these few percepts in thy memory Look thou char- acter ... He especially admired the kindly wisdom of that excellent old man Polonius. Otis then impressed me by disclosing many exact statistics of his country. He was able to give the average rainfall from 1896 to 1963 of six different Hewhassayan cities: Katzala, Esp, Saint Kosher, Oopdeedoo, Tillden, and the tropical paradise Kmonawanaseeya. Otis was as equally skilled in the ancient nd extinct Hewhssayan language called Mortis as I was in Latin. He easily said Articus ignorala prima donna camera non- sensi , but he did not know what it meant. Both of us knew a great many words in these ancient languages, although we were not always sure of either the meaning or pronunciation of most of them. Both of us had a good understanding of the parts and functions of plants and animals, and we agreed that this knowledge more than made up for our ignorance about the physical and mental funtioning of our own respective species. As in some places on my own planet, radicals who advocated a new and — 19

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THE NOR ' WESTER COME ALONG WITH ME, JOHN ZAGAR And then there was John Zagctr. He was an unlawful brute. Why, when John was only Little Johnny , he could spit through his teeth better than any of the boys. His incisors always gleamed white in the midst of his blackened face. And whistle! He could make a steam engine sound hoarse. Johnny had the habit of collecting toads but his warts were not a result of his interest in the class Reptilia. He could usually be found at the old sump hole swimming with the Jones boy and Peter Selbian. They swam without » the conventional outfit, and whenever the fluttering of the ground snipes tele- graphed the approach of an enemy , they took to the water and found refuge in the muddy depths. Yes, John was a rough youngster but he had a way about him that drew you to him. His smile was pleasant with a catch of devilment at the corners of his mouth. But these were only little things and I never pictured him as a rogue. John Zagar Men ' s Wear ' that was what the big sign hanging over the door said, and it gave a great illusion of cleanliness and simple living. The sign looked as if a Puritan had painted it. But just inside that door and around into the back room was a den of vice, a twentieth century Newgate, and yet, the palace of a king. For John Zagar was a king, secure in his own office. He had no rivals. I opened the door into the back room and walked in. It was like walking from a church lobby into a smoky boiler room. The walls were covered with a thin film of cheap paint spotted with soot and dust. The floor was made of rough boards. The cracks between the boards were a blessing to the janitor as they made good depositories for his sweepings. A number of light bulbs hung from the ceiling like spiders at the end of their webs. At the back of the room, in sharp contrast to its drab surroundings, was a huge coloured board across which flashed lights and names in a mad medley. To read this board was like trying to find a street number along Portage Avenue on a busy night. Blue-grey smoke hung over the heads of evil men, and mingled with the reek of garlic and cheap wine. In this crowd, John Zagar stood out. — 21