Kutztown University - Keystonia Yearbook (Kutztown, PA)

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Never Had a Saturday I used to look forward to Saturday, And I used to like the day just fine. It used to be the peak of my week, tCause Saturday was yours and mine. But the love we had just faded away, Like the seat of my worn-out jeans. And now that I find. you've busted my mind, Seems I've never had a Saturday. by Paul Larson photo by Sue Spacht

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A coupla hours later it got stinkin hot. The boys was restin in the shade waitin for the fartin to start. Preacher Montee, who was watchin at the window, gave a yell for everyone to come runnin. Cody Kinkaid had let the first one rip. It was a long low fart that just eased out. Jack Rivers didn't even put down his glass. A coupla minutes later Jack lifts his leg and lets out a short explosion. Cody looks at im like he was a flea on a mountain lion. The farts went back and forth like that for about an hour. The loggers were driftin away agin when a shout from Mac Duncan brings em runnin back. Cody Kinkaid was buildin a big one. His face was skrunched up in a God awful way. He was huffin and putfin like a steam engine. When the tart finally came, it echoed through the forest. BMAMAAAARRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOoooooommmmmm. Jack looked like he was gonna die. Then he cut loose a small one. BEEEEEERRRRup- rup-rup. 'You better do moren that Jack boy.' says Cody. tlt still smells like roses in here.' Then Cody and Jack both screwed up their faces in a fierce try to fart out the grandaddy of them all. They was gruntin and groanin and holdin and moanin. Then Jack relaxed and just sat there like he didn't have a care in the world. Cody looked like a sure winner. He was really workin up a sweat. He was tryin to build a fart that would stink up the moon. It took all his strength to hold that fart back. But finally he was ready to poleax Jack Rivers right between the eyes. tt 'Get ready ya lousy bastard! Here it comes!' Cody gave a bull-bellow and the tart crashed to the floor. It bounced against the sides of the cabin and almost blew out the windows. The woods shook with a roar. It was the loudest damn thing I'd ever heard. BACH-a-RRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMrPOOOOO- OMMMMMM-poooommm-poom. Jack Rivers just sat there. Cody looked at him in disbelief. Their eyes were watering, and Cody was breathing through his mouth while Jack just sat. Jack heaved a little sigh, then smiled. Cody looked at Jack again, shook his head, and started to draw a deep breath for the next try. When he got to the top of the breath his face turned white. His eyes shot back over to Jack who was just sittin and grinnin like a big old pole cat. Cody jumped up and started for the door shouting, 'YOU BASTARD! YOU SNEAKIN FREAKIN BASTARD! I HOPE YOU ROTl' Cody smashed through the door and disappeared into the woods. That was the last I ever saw of im. Heard he died in jail down in Salem back in '55. But ya can't be too sure about these things. Anyway lack comes walkin out grinnin from ear to ear. The loggers was clappin and cheerin tor im; even the ones who bet against im. Someone called for Preacher Montee to get the book and settle the bets. But he was no- wheres to be found. All the stuff was gone. So was the mail pouch. The rat bastard had taken off with all the dough. 'tYessir. Jack Rivers was the Ace of Axes again. He got a new nickname after that day. Up and down the Columbia he was known as Jack Rivers; the Knave of Farts. The bus was stopping at Reedsport. The old man gathered his bottle and started to leave. l'Thanks for the story old man. I really dug it. But Jack Rivers, what- ever happened to him? Welp bub, you figger it out and let me know the next time ya see me. With that the old man shuffled off the bus. As soon as the door closed a odorous gas mixed with, then overcame the warm air of the bus heater. It was rising from the seat next to me. People were wrinkling their noses and looking my way. I sat with a rigid shiteating grin plastered on my face and disappeared behind my Rolling Stone. 19

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a nature poem walking through the woods eating a bag of fritos, i stopped to watch a robin hunt for worms, then i hit him with a rock. -anonymous