Kiser High School - Panther Yearbook (Dayton, OH)

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JUDGMENT DAY BLASK LIST CAN'T YOU COUNT? Seats Put In ckers For 'Locker Lovers i The story you are about to read is untrue. Only the pencil has been changed to protect the paper. It was a warm summer day in January when Mowie Hiller, presi- dent of student council remarked, Locker lovers must have seats, he did. He talked it over with the other captives in the student council. They decided if there were to be seats there must be tic tae toe pads on the doors. They found a reliable man to remove scribbled pads: his name, Mr. Mud, dum da da dum. Thcy kept on the problem when someone suggested door knobs be changed to the inside. You know, I never have figured why? What to do for entertainment was the next problem. A floor show was decided at first but the caretakers wouldn't agree to it. It was finally decided on television. But how could they enjoy television in the dark? You guessed itg yea, lights. Graham Cracker and Kenny Weasle tlocker loversl remarked, I think, I do, that this is the best ln- vention since moonshinef' Pictured above is a newly in- stalled locker that comes equipped with a seat. EVERY SATURDAY NITE ll CHRISTIAN TABERNACLE Tops m Talent ,fs Y --A as A ----as T h 3f2!KII7IIKLE4Ql- . F . 'Md . A .Z 'V V A 7:30 fCor. Herman Q But SIIJ ossip arments ripes BY TALLULAH STRADER WHILE INDULGING in my fa- vorite pastime, wire tapping, I over- heard a most rare bit of gossip. It seems that our own principal, C. L. Shannonberger was arrested last night on Main Street for dual ex- haust pipes and unnecessary squeal- ing of the tires. The scandal is be- ing secretly investigated by the P.T.A. SPORTS-MINDED girls around Dayton and Miserable Valley have shown delightful taste in their new creation, bowling-ball earrings. The balls are supported by iron chains fastened to the skull with gold sil- ver screws. NOTICE! A ruptured guinea-pig has mysteriously escaped from the school biology lab. The animal, nick- named Hernia, was last seen travel- ing south on Troy St. He is 5 inches tall, has pink eyes and white fur, and' squeals no English. However, searchers are cautioned that he may be in disguise. FELLOWS EATING LUNCH at Aunt Milly's Beer Parlor have re- cently been complaining of arsenic poisoning in the mashed potatoes. The students first began getting sus- picious about three weeks ago when l4 boys, upon the request of Aunt Milly, ate some mashed potatoes, after which they grasped their throats, fell dead, and were dragged away by Aunt Milly's dogs. AFTER MANY EXPERIMENTS, Sir Walter Chesterstrike, noted fail- ure in the tobacco world, uncovered an entirely new and different smok- ing treat, the cigapipe. Made es- pecially for smoking old dollar bills, the cigapipe will soon be available at leading hardware and sporting goods stores. OVERHEARD IN THE LIBRARY: T.B. or not T.B. That is congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough! of cough! But it'll take a lung, lung time. DESPERATELY NEEDED - a way to stretch deadlines-the Panther stat! Corduroy .01 SIICYTI o o o ' Violet 0 Aqua 0 lluo f 1- 0 iggsholl ' M-lm A- - io to ra :trod floor Sob nd Dill, Siamese Twins, re Recently Enrolled Here Recently enrolled at Kiser are the Siamese Twins Sob and Dill Sherman. These twins can be found wandering around in the halls tbecause they aren't intelligent enough to go to classj. They are definitely brainless because at the time of their birth they were examined and found to be that way. These boysf?J or may- be animals, are joined at the ear. Anything that is said to them goes in one head and out the other. is possible because the thing This that is said to them travels in sound waves to the external auditory canal and then to the tympanic cavity, from there to the ear drum past the first twin's head to the ytivac cina- pmyt to the lanac yrotidua lanretxe and out the opposite head in which it entered. Therefore everything that is said comes out backwards, and in order to understand what comes from the twin's ear a person must stand behind him. The Siamese twins are the most valuable ever born because their mechanical capacity' has never been duplicated. Assistants Present Library New Books Collecting used cigar butts and selling them for new enabled the library assistants to buy a collection of new books. The total income of the sales came to 33.04. The group selected Grudge Kirk- land to choose and buy the books. She was able to purchase these at a bargain sale at Price Stores. The Sugar Cane Uprising , I The Grand Jury, Hands Heathen Anderson Fairy Tales, and the latest in the Dr, Kinsey Reports, were all purchased. WANTED-One-way trip to Massachu- setts-Bev Brookey Fine Candies Baked Goods Lunch Meals I BURREY DELICATESSEN 429 Troy St. Open T A.M. to 8:30 P.M. tSunday 8 'til 81 UFPUIAIIUR AWQH., A llon't let the fun go by. While you hesitate- others are learning to play. I37 So. Main St. AD 8581 WA 7823 me Cggjoriruils Q, I I Uqieli us Ciutjzlo I i CgI'dJ'l.lLlI'IOl'I Cwsecfcifirigs 1.457 gunner 9584 15 fl 0berer's Florists WlSE'S SERVICE 1841 Troy St. FU 3984 , r rt .Q P ' N Motor Tune Up N' ' ' . ' - General Repairs 1504 Troy si. 1-is ian LLlbI'iCafi0I'l

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PATTY PAGE ZE NE WSPAPAIR 'MANANA MWJW- , jalmdlff' ?fm.2.azi, 'puncfnq' Will Be Nm! Ja .fine What's this? Yes, it's true, Joe and Marilyn have given up the ' vow to never part and she is now falling for Kiser's own Punchy Weed. It seems that all of this took place when Marilyn came to Kiser on a ersonal a earance tour s onsored by the student council. P PP ' P Punchy was one of the boys sitting in the front row and attracted her eye. Nobody really knew what hap- pened to give her that mile-away look in her eyes, but we all knew when she told Punchy stand up . She thinks he's a doll . . . Ca stuffed object with sawdust in his head.l When Marilyn told Joe that their marriage was over since she found a real love back here he just said Sooo? Then he decided to come to Kiser to see what he could see but seems that Mr. Seldomsober and the student council didn't want to loose anymore comrades so they would Tannhauser To Expire Seniors! Take heed: The day has come: after many years of out-of- step marching to the cadence of the Tannhauser March, Sergeant Saliva- wig says there will be a change. The proposed change is a crazy dance in which one jumps over the cracks in the sidewalk so he doesn't break his father's back. In other words, the Bunny Hop . ll shs's wearing ii Formal Send Flowers Consult your local florist for upoolal suggestions Mllll VALLEY ALLIED FLORISTS Mill. not allow him to come. Now Joe stands in front of the school to watch the girls leave. He is really mixed up as to what door most of the girls use. He can't waste much time since he has to be at baseball practice and warmup games soon. As to Punchy and Marilyn, their plans for the future are uncertain. One thing is for sureg she has con- sented to give up show business and devote her time to him. Clncidently this story is censored by the opinions of all who read it.J ' I r I 1954- Girl Graduates Here is interesting work: TELEPHONE OPERATING I at good pay PLUS I Regular Scheduled Raises, 4 your first year. Experience is not required. You are trained and paid - while learning. You will enjoy: - I I A Chance to Advance I Comfortable Lounges Pleasant Qficca Friendly Co- Workers I , APPLY TODAY! ' THE OHIO BELL - TELEPHONE co. I Fearless Fairfa BY CLIN GIN G CLINE DEAR CLIN GING: D I have a serious problem. I am a young girl in my eighties and my boy friend and I have been going together for 74 years now, and I wonder if you don't think it is about time for him to consider matrimony. Not that I don't believe in long en- gagements, but I would like to marry him before he dies so I could collect his 33.97 insurance policy. Would you please tell me what to do? GERTRUDE SHWARTZENHIMER DEAR GERTIE: Y This is a tough problem even for an old Casanova like me, but here is my advice to you. You might kid- nap your boy friend and hold him for the dividends on his insurance policy. DEAR CLINGING: I am having-trouble keeping other girls away from my boy friend, Al Aehart. I'll describe Al to you. I like him best in his handwoven spaghetti suit with the smart meat-ball lapels. Al has beautiful features, especial- ly his earsg they are like flowers Ccauliflowersl. His nose is just like a river falways runningj, and his hair is just like silk Ccom-silkj. But tell me, Mr. Clinging, how can I keep him from other girls? ZELDA I-IONOWINKLE DEAR MISS I-IONOWINKLE: My advice to you is to take Al on the Palph Deadwood show, This Is Your Death . Maybe by some chance they may send you on a glorious no- expenses paid trip to never-never land in Lower Slobber-All-Oven Ya. WANTED-Bae some ot Hanscom to keep me going steady-Betty Goode D E ' a ' Pi a' 0 0 R C9 , I ! 1614 Koowoo St. HOME OF 'l'll Ullll TRY llllY.

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mc:-: ckvimucn rmo 2- Joes POOL noon I aou.nAY 'mai 31 Panther Nine Schedules Yankees Kiser's diamondeers have added another opponent to their tough baseball schedule for the 1954 sea- son. On May 72nd the Cats will meet the New York Yankees in a game at Northside Field. Coach Gehring says he will probably pitch his ace tire- baller, Saul Shoeless Sniffy. , Glaspey Imprisoned Wild Bill Glaspey, Kiser's num- ber one linkster, has been sentenced to 16 years indefinite detention for throwing the Deadwood golf match and accepting a bribe. D. L. Seldom- sober, principal, says that though the sentence is a tough one, Wild Bill may work it off by picking up candy wrappers every night after school for 259 years. Flash High pin man for the spitballers bowling team, Cobb Webb, was found dead at the end of the alley last Friday. Someone mistook h's head for a bowling ball. Kaiser's Matador Issues Schedule Baseball's own, Standing Litho- wanian, has issued the Katt's team schedule which includes the Cleve- land Squaws and the New York Rebels at Northside field, April 33. Lithowanian Luckswoki as you all know is the undisturbed cham- pion of all throwers, his most famous throw being the bull. Records Are Broken By Kiser Boys By hulling and puHing and throw- ing a sledge hammer two miles, lit- tle Kilroy CSqueekyl Reeder, Kiser's answer to Super Mouse, set a brand new world's record in the 50 lb. hammer throw. It was formerly held by Hurlum Milesaway from Switz- ermala. In the same meetj held last Monday, Wednesday, and Tuesday against Roosevelt at the Communist -L ,.'. , .:::- t -b 1 . ig - ..,, sm ,- Shown above after their earth- shaking feats are Kiser's world- record breakers, Kilroy Reeder fleftj and Sack Reger frightl. Club Gulf Course, Sack fSpeedyJ Reger set a new World's record for running the mile. He did it in 36 sec., beating the old record Cset by Heeza Sprinterj by 3 hrs. While Speedy's tendency to run was inherited from his father's,nose, Squeeky claims that his ability for throwing stuif comes from lis- tening to the schoolteachers. A giant 8 ft. platinum hammer was awarded to Kilroy in honor of his event. When asked for a few words, he grunted, How far do I have to throw this 'un? Cats eet Tigers ln State Finals Tonight Panthers On Short End Of Height: Upset Middies In Regional Finals BY si-lon SNIFFY After discovering that every team they played this year had at least one ineligible player, the Kiser Panthers move into the state finals tonight against Astabula High in the Cleveland Pole Vaulter Found After 3-Day Hunt Following three days and three nights of continuous digging and searching in the pole vault saw dust pit, trackman Norman Garter was finally discovered at 4:01 o'c1ock Wednesday morning by worried coach Roy Pedenski. Norm' had been buried in the pile of saw dust ever since the Sunday afternoon meet against Wilbur Wrong, when he vaulted to the rec- cord height of 37.5 ft. He landed head first in the saw dust and was buried to a depth of 37.5 ft. Here's the 'victim's acount of the episode. I lost track of all time when I blacked out at the great height of 37.5 ft. I wondered where BY THE LIGHT of the silvery moon, Roy Pedenski discovers lost vaulter! I was and why everything was so dark. I was becoming worried. Then I heard the shovel and made myself realize the truth. The sight of Mr. Pedenski reassured me. Sadie's Safari ls Going So Farie Sadie Thompson Williams' South African Safari will start its annual fox hunt, November the elevendy seventh. Sadie, otherwise known in chicken gumbo language as Orf, has been' leading this safari for the past 75 years. Last year's safari was fortunate because they encountered a rare animal known to many as a tyradz- nasources or North Dayton alley cat. Armory at 8 p.m. Ashtabula had an amazing record of 323 wins and 111 losses to lead the Northem Ohio teams. The Tigers are in a 123-game winning streak over their league, district, and re- gional tournament. Big guns for the Tigers are Jim Horseface, a 7 ft. 5 in. forward who scored 11,354 points, and Joe Black 'n' Blue, 9 ft. 8 in. center who scored 14,408 points. John Doe, 7 ft. 592 in. forward, 8 ft. 2 in. guard, and Slick Jones, 6 ft. 10 in. guard make up the starting unit of the Tigers. Kiser's small but fast Panthers should run the taller and slower Tigers dovmm, but they won't be able to combat the superior height ad- vantage enjoyed by Ashtabula. Working for his masters degree in basketball coaching, Sid Yeller may have to play in the game. According to Pea Ewe, president of Chanel Number 5 Un. he would need three morqminutes of game experience to receive the degree. One That Counted Kiser had to play Fartown in the regional finals last Friday when they upset the Fardies 154-153 on Bruno The Turtle's shot with just two hours left to be played. Middletown all- state guard was high with Hot Salty Dog. and H-Boy were the spark Plugs for the Pink and Green with 50 points each. N. l. T. Bid If the Panthers win tonight they are sure to be invited to the N. I. T. CNational Inter-planetary Tourneyl to be held on Mars. 'Swat' Defeats Swatter R. O. Wilson, alias Swat Wilson, defeated Tony Trabert in the high noon finals at Casablanca Beach, Utopia. Also he Paunched O' Gon- zales to clinch the title of Racket Bracket of the Twentieth Century Fox. Pl Everything in Sports Equipment J im Flynn, Inc. I See ua for the best SCHOOL S WEA TER S lst H Jefferson Sl. HE 2884 Dayton, Ohio DOWN IN KENTUCKY AT UPSIDE DOWNS, We predict Burlap Beauty, 9 Ice creqrn ridden by America's Number 1 Muleskinner Harry Billman, will win the H S Soft Fiiiifi Burlap as . cross between 8 sick mule and an meager-Busch work Troy sf Leo sis. AD 0371 Sggozlguillies orse, better known as pure Arabian. I -I i BRAN DT HARDWARE CO. Snyde-'s PAINT, cuss, unouium, GENERAL HARDWARE ' TELEVISION RADIQ 5 T'i'Tf' g FU 182' DWG 4' Ohio Ralph J. Snyder andsiif lsh. Dayton, Ohio