Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine - Osteoblast Yearbook (Kirksville, MO)

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THE DAILY DISTRESS In order that Herr Slaterus can carry on with his work, the Ace' tonian Burpological Institution has rounded up every diabetic canine in that country to be pressed into service in an effort to insure the great American ample facilities to concentrate on. It is reported that eleven tank cars have been filled and will be rushed over the rails to Placenta upon arrival of I'IerrSlaterus The only comment heard from Professor Slaterus concerning the coming events was, 'lDer bleasure, mine lieber frens, is all urin'. PING PONG KING ARRIVES Abdul Ben Basin, the muscle bound Mameluke, arrived today for his match in the near future with Ivan Skivar, the mammoth Muscovite. This should really be the Battle of the Century. Both men' are in the pink Cunderwearj condition and should just about tear each other to titters and tatters. Oh, dear. But the ladies will want to know what the Great Abdul was wearing when he breezed into town, now please control yourselves. The love' ly white fit was white oncej robe that he always wears was draped around his manly shoulders in a most fetching way. Really girls you should have seen him. On his head sat the beautiful turban fit should be a potj of white silk. X' Asnur BEN BASIN FACTS LAID BARE AS A NUDIST'S BACK 'LI Am a Fugitive From a Dis' section Gang the latest thriller to be released on an unsuspecting pubf lic in recent years will be shown some time in the near future. Never before has this heartrending tale of the osteopathic student been told so plainly. All the terrible facts laid bare. Like its brother, the Foreign Legion, the Dissection Gang is The crowning glory of this great man is not the white cloak or bon' net but the wonderful beard that he drags around with him. Many is the poor old goat that he has made weep with envy. Long and black his beard stands out like a sore thumb. Of course it is useful as well as ornamental. No soup is too thin, no stew too thick but what this mighty natural strainer does its work. Any day the thicker and more solid parts of gravy may be seen lodged within its luscious depths. It can easily be seen what a help this would be in Abdul's wander' ings in the far places where he hangs out. Then too the beard beautiful may also be used as a place to conf ceal weapons, a wardrobe trunk, friends who do not wish to be seen, and various other ducky little uses that most people would never think of. But let us not waste more time on the beard beautiful. The great man is also an author of note. His book Concealing a Burpv is genf erally thought to be the best work of its kind in Swedish literature. It deals with the gentle art of hiding a burp under almost any condition that one can think of. Have you ever stepped into a crowded elef vator and burped? If so you will value the book beyond words. Never again will those situations arise for you will have the burp whipped after the Hrst chapter. It is on sale in all Bowling Alleys. Come let us leave before Abdul passes the pot. If riding on a locomotive gives you locomotor ataxia, why doesn't riding on a broncho give you bronf chitis? ' 1122011 made up of broken souls. Silently they trudge on toward the end when the greatsfinal tests will come and some will fall to rest more or less permanently in the lab lands. Those who take their cribs in hand and with a courage born of desperation beard the lion in its den, may pass those stern tests and rise to a higher glory. But not for long. The power of the gang is too strong, sooner or later it will rise in the shape of Applied Anatomy and smite them down. But let us get back to our story. I Am a Fugitive from a Dissection Gang is the story of a young man who dared try to escape. Through a long winter he had quietly worked at his table and had been somewhat happy in his work. But spring came and the grass turned green, the trees blossomed, nature called to him. Silently he tucked his upper extremity under his arm and stole away. Out the door, past the boiler house, past the cabin, down the side of the hill to the cool slope. He lay down in the soft grass and gazed at the clear blue sky. Life was good and the Brachial Artery began slowly to fade away. Such peace was not meant for him. Over the crest of the hill dark iigures loomed. Silently they crept upon him. With a sudden rush and roar they were swarming over him. It was the guards come to drag him back. Back to his table, back to Cunningham and Gray, back to the Brachial Artery. But that brief glimpse of the outside world has given him new strength. He will carry on to the end. GUARDS on DUTY AT A Dissncrion GANG CAMP

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THE DAILY DISTRESS parted cows. Ain't nature grand? Note particularly the portefcochere. It's around at the other side, so you can't see it. It's just as well, though. It's just as well you can't see a lot of things about the place. Notice the landscape gardening, planned by an expert. It doesn't matter what kind of an expert. Get the quaint atmosphere about the place. You'd get it much better if you were a little closer. We know from experience. Well, all in all that's quite a building, but if that gap in the door is any measure of those inside we're afraid something terrible would happen to passing wayfarers with greenapple quickf step. And now pause just an instance at the palatial residence of the ATS lads. Such beauty, such grandeur! At Home with the ATS, or, They Laughed When I Sat Down-good titles for pictures, eh? Well you wouldn't do much laughing I don't think-not if they had to fish you out with a bent hairpin on a string. But really, this place is quite fetch- ing, don't you think? See all that shrubbery around the house, ca' ressing the walls so tenderly. That tree on the right is a peculiar variety of the persimmon. Peculiar, all right, or it wouldn't be within ten miles of the place. We'll almost bet the ATS house will pull down the prize. Certainly it pulls down every' thing else. Somebody ought to pull it down. And by the way, take a squint at that knobby hatchway in the side of the house, on the left. Whoever do you suppose thought of that? That's one of the many special features about this misplaced garret that make it outstanding among others of its ilk. Merely lift the latch-or isn't there any latch?- and man the bilge pumps. Or stow away your rusty niblicks so the town won't tax you for having them. Be sure they're rusty, though. But it dcesn't really matter-they will be if they aren't already. Note that monstrous spar soaring toward the heavens above. The crow's nest is on top but you can't see who's there looking for-whales, or some' thing. Now here's what yould call a real estate. See all the rustic sum' mer houses in the background, and the cactus plants over by what's left of the fence. Those summer houses should have been in the foreground, rot the background. They're quite large enough to hide this residence completely and you'd have been spared the pain of gaping at it. Notice the white blotch on the right of the house. Gives a pleasing effect of a lake, doesn't it? Probably son1ebody's wash hanging out to dry. Whitefwash, anyhow. All in all, though, you'll probably agree that here is a pile of secondfhand lumber that would brighten the corner of any furnace. Pause just long enough to catch the Atlas edition out of the corner of your cornea. Now these boys have an eye for the aesthetic-they have given you one of those arty threefquarter views of their musty hovel. Whereis the front door- around at the back? Too bad-it's really SO decorative, if your glasses are dark enough. That goes for the whole place, for that matter. And get a mouthful of that haystack in the foreground. Better spit it out too, while you've got the chance. This structure, by the way, is an adaptation of a Sth Century hunt' ing lodge on jake's Ash Heap, with a few architectural borrowings from 18th Century Igloo and 14th Cen' tury MudfHut Special. Fourfwheel brakes, floating power, knockejfout body and tortyfodd shifts daily. Note the yawning chasm in that chic rear vvall-specially constrixctf ed to admit chickens, pigs, geese, mules., crocodiles, snakesfinfthef grass, innocent bystanders and 100' yd. dashers. Get that unique fenced' in effect-it lends such dignity and exclusiveness to the place. Really, though, there's no need for a fence to make it exclusive-all your friends would be delighted to stay away even without an invitation. But it's all in the game, you know. Note the unusual sign-it even has a brace. And before we forget it - get the snaky script on that antique shingle-you dress for dinner here, yes sir. How do you dress?- that's the question. And gaze at the rustic furniture littered about in the front yard. Gives the place that Fifth Avenue nonchalance. Well, ease yourselves onto one of those rusty nails, boys, and let's take a long rest. jimi GREAT MAN HONORED BY HOME FOLKS Herr Russellatus Slaterus, emi' nent Ukrainian scientist famous for his investigations of a biological secretion, will be fittingly honored by the American Institution of Burpologists, at the convention soon to be held in the dreamy Europf ean hamlet of Placenta, in Acetonia. Herr Slaterus leaves for Acetonia from New York, where hundreds of admiring burpologists have charter' ed a sewerage barge, property of the harbor sanitation commission, in order that their hero may make the crossing in fitting atmosphere. The S. S. Albuminuria will convey the professor's scientific instruments so that he may improve his ping pong technique while enroute. DR. VoN SLATERUS Russellatus Slaterus is the only man who has ever accomplished the quantitative analysis of an amoebals feces. Herr Slaterus, his temples whitened by years of dandruff, fondled a canine concretion hanging from his watch chain, presented to him as a charm while being inter' viewed by a host of communistic sympathizers. Der hardest chob mit vich I undertakedf' said Slaterus, vas ven my pet ameebas dey vas ill mit constipathun. I gafe dem baths mit Pluto wasser und nnally I gafe dem enemas mit broken bottles before I saw der stains from der fish bowl vich vas a sign dey vas guredf'

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