University of Kansas - Jayhawker Yearbook (Lawrence, KS)

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HER MOTHER TOLD HER AS SHE LEFT HER GRANDMOTHERQS HOUSE, VM STILL LJPSET ABOUT You. I HOPE ITlS WORTH IT TO YOU. When Thompson went to her parents' home a week later, her mother was not there. Her father announced to her with a somber face that they would take back her car and not pay her tuition. The conversation about her sexuality never happened. Thompson next saw her parents four months later, during Thanksgiving at her grandparents, house, where the extended family gathered. She and her parents didnlt tall: vvith each other, but her mother told her as she left her grandmothers house, I'm still upset about you. I hope it's worth it to youf, Thompson chose not to go back home for Christmas, instead going to Dallas to the house of her mother's best friend, who disagreed with her mothers negative response to Thompson's sexuality. After coming back from Dallas, she returned to her parents' home. Het father told her he worried about her riding a hike to work and decided to give her the car back. Thompson said she tried to repair the relationship with her pa rents and her mother brought in a priest. He sympathized with Thompson and suggested they call each other every vveek. After returning to Lawrence, she faithfully called her parents for the hrst several weeks. Thompson 's frustration and anger grew bigger when they nev er called or called her back. She eventually stopped calling them. Now she has to find a place to go every holiday, which makes her feel lonely. She tries to think about positives she gained through the separation, such as her O8 - O9 l JAYHAWKEIR financial independence. Her mother recently called and said she was always welcome to come home, but Thompson wasn't ready to spend time with her mother, who still wants her to undergo counseling to reorient her sexuality. 'EI told my mother it is part of my everyday life, and I donlt want to have a relationship with people who don't accept me, Thompson said. Someday, she hopes to have a family with a same-sex partner and restore a relationship with her parents when they fully understand and embrace her. JULIAN RIVERA Rivera inadvertently came out of the closet in his patents, kitchen. Thatls where his mother found an essay left there by his sister Shaina that referred to his sexuality. Until that time, he had struggled with whether he could be both gay and a good son, deciding that staying quiet was one way to protect himself and his parents. In my head, I thought that's something they don't need to knowf' he said. It's something that would com- plicate their life more -the way they interact with their friends, like, 'Oh, they have a gay son? I never want that sort of pity on my parents. After his mother read Shainals essay, she walked into her sister's room sobbing, asking if it was true. Shaina said their parents, who had been in denial ofjulianas sexual orientation, were both worried that their son would experience discrimination and that they wouldn't have grandchildren. KI was mad at my sister at Hrst. I wanted it to be part of my storyfl he said. f'Now, I have to move on. Despite the revelation, Rivera was relieved when his parents still treated him well. He and his parents haven,t yet talked at length about his sexuality, but he is hoping to have that conversation soon. Both ofhis parents came from the Philippines to work as nurses in the 1970s. Rivera was born in the United States and grew up in Lenexa. Rivera struggled with his sexual identity in high school. Many friends at school knew he was gay, but his parents clidn't. He said having a double life aggravated him. He recalled having an impulse to yell at his parents one evening when they expressed disapproval of his gay friends at school. They were the only people who understood mef' he said. I just really wanted to say, 6You know, Fm gaylm Rivera even once considered attending reorientation therapy to change his sexual orientation because it con- flicted with his Catholic faith and parents' expectations. I thought that was what would make them happy, Rivera said. Reading books about homosexuality made him real- ize that the therapy could not change his sexual orienta- tion and could only be harmful to him. Rivera said his mother was always like a best friend. They talk about everything, from his major to family gossip. They now need to talk about his sexuality. He said he once introduced his boyfriend to her as his friend, and she cooked him a meal. Rivera said he was sad his mother recognized his boyfriend as just one of his college friends and didn't know how important he was to him. Rivera graduates in spring and said he hopes to have the conversation about his sexuality with his parents before then. 'KI hope they continue to be proud of me and still see me as the same person.

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When she was Hnished, her mother said, 'LWe're not happy. We don't want you to be a gay, but you're our daughter and we still love youf, Although at that moment, Thompson felt relieved at their reaction, in reality it made her parents so unhappy that they severed their relationship and ended their finan- cial and emotional support in a phone call the next day. Thompson is among gay and lesbian KU students who decide to come out in college, yet struggle to reveal their sexuality to their own parents. For some such as Thompson, coming out to families meant being rejected by parents. julian Rivera unwillingly came out of the closet in his parents' kitchen thanks to an essay his sister accidentally left there for her mother to find. Many gay and lesbian children don't reveal their sexuality to anyone, including parents, until they reach college age because of the discrimination they face from peers in middle and high schools. According to the National School Climate Survey, conducted by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network in 2007, nine out of 10 gay teenagers experienced verbal harassment and almost half of them were physically harassed in their schools. Many ofthem come out in college where they experi- ence support from a gay community and little discrimi- nation from fellow KU students. I-lowever, when they decide to come out to families, they can expect a variety of reactions from parents - religious objections that being gay is sinful, beliefs that their homosexuality is a medical or psychological condition that can be cured, disappoint- ment that their child has chosen a path that doesn't lead to a traditional family and grandchildren, or concerns that their child will be discriminated against because of his or her sexual orientation, according to Wes Crenshaw, licensed psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midxvest in Lawrence. Crenshaw said discussions about sexuality would be different for each person because each family had a differ- ent experience and level of exposure to gays and lesbians. I-Ie said visiting a therapist before talking to parents could be helpful for students regarding how the news is received. He also said when students decided to come out, they had to prepare for several outcomes -from really good to re- ally bad, and to decide how they would react in each case. I think the watchword is to be strategic, to do more of what works and less of what doesn,t, he said. f'For WHEN THOMPSON REASSURED HER MOTHER THAT SHE WOULD STILL HAVE A CHANCE FOR A FAMILY, SHE RESPONDED THAT THAT WOULD BE SINFUL. some, holding out on the disclosure may be necessary to preserve Hnancial support. For others, waiting just staves off an inevitable conflict and makes it worse. Sara Thompson Thompson, Salina senior, began to accept her sexual orientation during her freshman year at college. She told friends and her brother, who were all supportive. But she feared revealing who she was to her conservative parents. f'Pretending was really hardfi she said. uhlaving a big secret like that is just something that l canlt deal with. She called her parents in Salina a week before she planned to go back home, so she could give them enough time to think about it and then have a conversation. Thompson recalled that on that first phone call, her mother's response seemed better than she expected. Thompson celebrated that night with a group of gay friends. But the next day, she was hurt when her parents said they would not support her anymore. Her mother revealed her disappointment at losing her dream for her daughter getting married and having children. When Thompson reassured her mother that she would still have a chance for a family, she responded that that would be sinful. When her mother then urged her to reconsider her decision, Thompson informed her that be- ing a lesbian was not a decision. That ended the conversa- tion, and tearful Thompson ran to her friend's apartment for solace and support. PARENTAL ACCEPTANCE M 40

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