University of Kansas - Jayhawker Yearbook (Lawrence, KS)

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THE JAY HAWKER I The Tale of Terence Turgid ! ' I i PW Co r Rock Chalk, Jay Hawk , my heart beat out in jubilant staccato note as I bounded down the ex- pansive steps of the ivy-covered Student Union. Above the glistening turrets which housed the fabulous Palm Room, a battery of neon tubes emblazoned the words, Register here for Rush Week. I blazed a look back at the neon and waved my registration card briskly in the night air. At the same time I deftly applied a tourniquet to my thigh with my left hand in an effort to close the wound in my leg. (It seems that a pound of flesh is the usual fee for such activities. ) Xenophon! Socrates! Aristophanes! General Markos! I cried out exultantly as I skipped along, for here was I, Terence Turgid, about to enter the hallowed halls of Greekdom. Shades of the Par- thenon! My cup was overflowing copiously as I ambled down the hill in search of a fraternity house. As I stepped gingerly over the bodies of hapless pedestri- ans which lay in little drifts along Oread Road, I spied a silent figure standing grimly by the curb- stone. His myopic eyes blinked at me from behind eight power trifocals as he strained to discern my outline. I was about to pass by the forlorn figure when I suddenly caught sight of the jewelry which gleamed on his breast. Fraternity Man? I screamed. No, he muttered . . . Campus Cop. Undaunted by this rebuff, I sped on my way. Rush Week was about to begin, and I, Turgid, would be in the midst of it. At long last I would be a belonger. No longer a common man. My peonage was over forever! I rushed on down the hill. In the distance I could discern the towers of a large house rising above a cluster of converti- bles. A fraternity house at last! I broke into a run as I neared the entrance way. As I dashed along at a modest trot, I nearly ran into a man travel- ing in the opposite direction. Noticing his confident air, I asked hesitantly, Greek? No, he roared, . . . Scotch-Irish. I shot a glance at this upstart which seared past him and smashed the window of a parked convertible, and without further delay I lunged into the fraternity house. A shining set of bicuspids and an outstretched hand met me as I crossed the threshold. I grasped the latter and directed my attention at the beaming countenance before me. Well, well, well, remarked the face, I ' ll bet that you ' re a rushee. Yes, I

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FALL NUMBER, 1948 Susie asked, Won ' t you have a cigarette? Hacking her thanks, Mary accepted the after- noon ' s thirty-fourth of what were already beginning to look like grave stones. Taking up a highly original topic of conversation, Susie asked next, How have you ever survived the heat today, Mildred? Mary, now ready to answer to any and every combination of names, replied, It ' s really awful outside, but your house seems quite cool. I ' ll bet it was much hotter when you went through rush week! Susie was just a little abashed that Mary had taken up the next in her list of con- versational topics, but she bravely carried on with, How would you like to take a look around the house, Helen? Using spur-of-the-moment swiftness, Mary squeezed her aching feet back into their crippling shoes, and rose with an eager, I ' d just love to! They made their way among purse- clutching rushees who were listening en- thralled while sorority girls told a now- perfected tale about the time they put a Zoology frog carcass in the president ' s bed. Out in the hall Mary felt the floor sag under her in one spot, and wondered as she heard Susie mutter to herself, We ' ll have to improve that trap door. Susie led Mary down to the basement where she showed her the quiz files. But this looks more like a torture chamber to me, shuddered Mary, observ- ing the huge knives and chains fastened to the walls. Oh, we always plan a faculty dinner the night before exams, explained Susie. In another part of the house Mu Nu Pu ' s trophies and cups were on display. Although Susie held her at a distance, Mary was able to make out some of the engraving: Donated by the Class of 45 Compliments of the Lawrence Mother ' s Club Intramural Knitting Award What an outstand- ing chapter! ! Would you like to see where the pledges sleep? asked Susie, and they made the climb to the fourth 21 floor in record time six minutes and fourteen seconds. This is very nice, commented Mary. I love your black and blue color scheme. But don ' t you need pillows in those bureau drawers? As they made their way back down stairs, a harried sorority sister flung herself sobbing on Susie ' s Signing up a future Pi Phi 4 I A smiling Alpha Chi pledge class shoulder. Mary couldn ' t help but overhear their lamentations. Oh, Susie! Louise Longwind is to be hung at sunrise tomorrow. I just knew they ' d find out that she smiled at that rushee in the Chateau during silent week. (Continued on Page 83)

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FALL NUMBER, 1948 23 replied, shyly hiding my head in my hip pocket. Hawr, Hawr, Hawr, he chuckled, helping me to reset my vertebra, Well, my boy, my name is Howard Howjado, Rush Chairman for Tappa Kegga, and I ' m glad to see you here, furthermore our Presi- dent is glad to see you here, and our housemother, and our mascot, and our cook, and our mortgage, and ... At this point he paused and fumbled hastily for his script. Unable to find it, he carried on valiantly in spite of his handicap. Tell me son, Howard continued, Does your Dad own a brewery? No, I sobbed. Do you own a converti- ble? No. Have eight sisters in a sorority? No. All-State athlete? No. Are you a legacy? he gasped. No, I sobbed. My boy, he roared. I can see you ' re just our type. By the way. what ' s your name? Terence Turgid, I blurted out. Ohmy- gawd! he screamed. No, Turgid! I re- plied as he fainted away. The autumn sun was descending rapid- ly in the general direc- tion of West Hills, as I slowly wended my way toward the last outposts of fraternity row. As I plodded along the pavement I caught sight of a stately stone edifice bordering the street. Its ivy-clad spires caused the structure to look very much like a church. However, I had been fooled before, obviously this was a fraternity house. Glancing about, I walked quickly up to the door and boldly entered. I padded softly through the hallway and entered a large auditorium. It seemed that I had entered during the process of a rush meeting. The Rush Captain was standing up on a platform, loudly haranging a large group of actives and rushees seated before him. I was surprised to note that there were some women in the group, however, I quickly passed these off as members of the mothers club. I sat down on one of the benches in the rear of the room and began to listen to the Rush talk. Friends, the speaker began, Our opponents are using every unscrupulous method to gain adherents! I hissed lustily and stamped my feet. They are using every dirty trick in the book! he continued. Damn dirty rushers! I thought emphatical- ly. I have even heard, he screamed, that they are promis- ing free beer to new recruits!! I booed loudly. It must be the T.N.E. ' s, I thought. The time has come for us all to join to- gether! ! he contin- ued hysterically. At last I shall be a join- er, I sighed. Now is the time, this is the hour, he said, his voice rapidly ap- proaching a crescendo . WHO WILL TAKE THE PLEDGE? Me . . . I . . .My- self, Terence Turgid, I cried out, leaping to my feet and charging at the platform. I ' ll join, I ' ll pledge! From this day forward I shall enlist myself in your organization! The speaker smiled as I bore down on him. He quickly hustled me aside with some of the officers of the fraternity. I was quickly forced to sign papers, and then I was handed a card. Where ' s my pledge pin, I sobbed with an air of disappointment. One of the mothers thrust a white ribbon in my hand. Hail Xenophon, Socrates, and Sappho, I sang as I walked out of the stone portals of my new home. (Continued on Page 83)