Jersey Shore High School - Orange and Black Yearbook (Jersey Shore, PA)

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JERSEY SHORE HIGH SCHOOL 15 SPEAKING OF DEATH REBECCA SELTS ESTERDAY, I was a wealthy middle-aged widow, residing in a very small town: but I died. Wouldn't it be interesting to know how the town's people are reacting to my death? There are Martha and Jim. I know they were glad to be rid of me. I'm going to do a bit of eavesdropping. Shh, Martha is speaking. ----- and I nearly died the other night when she said she thought she had quite a few more years to live. I got the grey matter working and decided a heart attack would look more natural than poisoning. Yesterday morning I told her that her long lost son had been found mur- dered in New York. Well! she stood there for a few seconds just look- ing at me and then went out like a light. Gosh! it gives me a creepy feeling thinking of that look on her face. Good work, old girl, said Jim enthusiastically. You'll be get- ting all the new clothes you want from now on because of that smart--- That is no shock to me. I knew they were just being agreeable with me because I had something they wanted. They didn't fool me at all There goes Sally Casmo down the street for her daily marketing. And here comes Nell Parks. Hello Sal. I-low's your rheumatism lately? Hain't been seein' you to store reg'lar. I ain't had no spare time 'count a those rulaitives comin' fer the buryin'. By the way have you hur'd that she left all her belongin's to the man that lives in a little shack down ----- It was always a puzzle to me how Nell received news. She always had something to tell you. There is Peggy in the kitchen washing breakfast dishes. Why the poor dear is crying. Here comes Lee. Now, honey, don't cry, said her husband. You wouldn't want her to be here and suffer, would you? Oh no! but I'll miss her. She was always so kind and nice to all of ----- I always liked Peggy and Lee. They were pleasant people - Ho hum! I beg your pardon. I am getting sleepy. I shall set my alarm clock for the funeral. Two days have passed. My goodness? Look at all the flowers. Here are some from Julia and Fred. Now isn't that queer! People who never thought of me when I was ill send me flowers now when I cannot enjoy or appreciate them. It is just about time for my funeral. I shall have to hurry to get there before the others. The undertaker surely knows his business, but I'd like to know who was responsible for my wearing this black dress. Everybody knows

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14 THE ORANGE AND BLACK I had to retreat, no matter what you say-A McGowan had to retreat. Bong! Round one for Mr. Polecat. Bong! Round two coming up. I walked very slowly this time up that perilous bank. He kept moving back to his corner. Suddenly I made a grab for his neck, but doggone it, nobody told me a skunk would bite. Before I could grab his tail he gave me a cuff right across the thumb, leaving a nice blood blister on it. Again I had to retreat and while retreating he gave me a broad side right across the back. Bong! Round two for Mr. Polecat. Bong! Round three coming up. Determined to get him this time, I disregarded all the advice which I had received and took a pole about ten feet long and turned Mr. Pole- cat over on his back with his guns pointing away. I then grabbed him behind the neck and dragged him to the run to drown him. Laying this skunk along the trail I proceeded to the next trap. which was by a lumber pile near an old abandoned house, and lo and behold another skunk! By now I was rip roaring mad, because I feared I would be late for school. I walked very slowly toward this polecat, when he gave me a fwcll, a bit of perfumej. I had to retreat again, but by no means was I discouraged. I picked up a pole about ten or twelve feet long and applied the same measures to this one as to the last. Thanks to old man experience, I got him in one round. The other traps spelt E-M-P-T-Y. Picking up the last skunk by his hind legs I proceeded to carry him down to the other skunk which I had left by the trail. No sooner had I got about one-fourth of the way there when Ibe- lieve it or notj he came to. Then as you may imagine, I had a swell time. When I arrived home there was no need to tell mother I caught the skunks, one of her senses told her. I-Iurrying as much as possible I took a bath and poured on plenty of perfume. I then went to school thinking no one could smell me. Entering the room, I no sooner sat down in my seat when: Mc- Gowan, did you catch a skunk this morning? No, sez I, I got two of them. That's what it smells like, sez they. After spending the day in a smelly school Cnot quite all my faultl and everybody kidding me, I was glad when it was over, and thoroughly disgusted with the life of a Low Down Skunk Trapper.

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16 THE ORANGE AND BLACK I dote on bright red. I do look pretty natural though I could stand some lipstick and a little more rouge on my left cheek. Claire sang a beautiful solo for me and I certainly would be com- forted by the sermon if I were grieving. Now they are closing the lid of my coffin. I certainly hate to be in this hearse. It swings and sways and bumps. Here we are at the ceme- tery. Now they are lowering me in my grave. Lower, lower, lower! A MESSAGE TO A MISSING MUSTACHE - just a hair-raising experience! WILLIAM BOSWELL S I sit here before the mirror, tears fill my eyes when I think of your faded beauty. You were truly a work of art and a joy while you lasted. Your light brown color made you noticeable but not conspicuous, and your marvelous arch gave me an irresistible appearance. True, you were a little thin, but you were far from being scrawny. To you I owe my ability to charm the opposite sex. You gave me glamour, and made me handsome with a capital HAM. You gave me that slight touch of Adolphe Hitler and Don Ameche. My, but you were magnificent! I probably even owe my life to you, for you saved me from a ter- rible sunburn on my upper lip. I once knew a man who died of sun- burn. You were quite expensive, for I used three bottles of hair tonic be- fore you even appeared. I even purchasd a new mirror and lamp so I could observe your beauty in the proper light. I'll never forget the morning I awoke just in time to save you from a horrible slashing by a razor in the hands of my sister. I can still recall the night I licked four fellows to save you from Bill Gheen's Shick Shaver. Though I try to forget, I Hnd it impossible. You were my proof of manhood, and my inspiration to do bigger and better things. I can- not forget your dark beauty, or how soft and silky you felt to my finger- tips. But alas you are gone! I have my gun beside me and am seriously contemplating suicide, for I no longer get any thrill out of life since I so carelessly and thought- lessly rubbed you out with a rough towel! Farewell, most cruel world! Farewell, oh tufted hirsute adorn- ment! Farewell, my one supreme effort!