Indiana University School of Medicine - Caduceus Yearbook (Indianapolis, IN)

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DON'T BE CAUGHT NAKED! Are you continually caught without valuable equipment, ie. Foleys, tape, I.V.'s, textbooks, scissors, etc? Then you need the student's friend: SUPERCOAT! Observe the assortment of vital equipment that can be carried. Yet buttoned, no one will know! No Bulges, no ripped seams, no tell-tale exposed pieces. Yet at ALL times, you are prepared for ANYTHING! Available in any size, as they are custom- made to fit your perfectly. The price is a mere $49.95 ($150.11 at your local, high profit bookstore). Price does not include the tools of the trade, of course. From your friends at Michigan Street Enterprises. Our motto - We want your MONEY. THE LUETIC LAMENT There once was a man from Green Bay who thought syphilis just went away and he thought that a chancre was merely a canker acquired in lascivious play. Now first he got Acne vulgaris, the kind that is rampant in Paris. It covered his skin from his head to his shin and now people ask where his hair is. Consider his terrible plight: his eyes won't react to the light, his hands are apraxic, his gait is ataxic, and he's developing gun-barrel sight. With symptoms increasing in number his aorta's in need of a plumber his heart is cavorting his wife is aborting and how he's acquired a gumma. Although treated in every known way his symptoms grow worse day by day; he's developed paresis converses with Jesus and thinks he's the Queen of the May. VOtVEK 'SeEftJ fi f.V.Ct' rraiAjGj «a . Kfc tLr I fcA v%A THAKJ. 29

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They say man has succeeded where the animals fail because of the clever use of his hands, yet when compared to the hands, the sphincter ani is far superior. If you place into your cupped hands a mixture of fluid, solid, and gas, and then through an opening at the bottom, try to let only the gas escape, you will fail. Yet the sphincter ani can do it. It apparently can tell whether its owner is along or with someone, whether standing up or sitting down, whether its owner has his pants on or off. No other muscle in the body is such a protector of the dignity of man, yet so ready to come to his relief. Banish the use of the four-letter words whose meanings are never obscure, The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds were vulgar, obscene and impure. But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase that never quite says what you mean, Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways than be vulgar, coarse, or obscene. You may speak of a movement or sit on a seat, have a passage, or stool, or simply excrete; Or to say to the others I'm going out back , then groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack. You can go lay a cable, or do number two or sit on the toidey and make a do-do. But ladies and men who are socially fit under no provocation will go take a shit. When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans, with garlic and claret and bacon and greens; Your bowels get so busy distilling a gas, that Nature insists you permit it to pass. You are very polite, and you try to exhale without noise or odor, you frequently fail, Expecting a zephyr, you carefully start, but even a deaf one would call it a fart. ULCER THERAPY To the editor: What's all this new talk I hear about cement-a-dean being good for ulcers? Now, I know that antacids and milk are good for ulcers, and I know that venting a lot of )ent up anger and hostility is good for ulcers; )ut I honestly can't believe that some new angled idea would so easily capture the minds of young doctors. How could anyone want to cement-a-dean for their stomach craters? I suppose that some people could be very mad at their deans, especially if the deans went and raised national board score cutoffs or hiked the tuition in the summer when most of the students were gone, but even so, I think people and certainly young doctors should be able to handle that ulcer causing anger in better ways than by soaking their deans in wet cement and throwing them into the White River; and anyway, there might be fish in that water! Dr. Emily S. Litella Speedway, Ind. Bush Clinic The above letter was referred to the appropriate parties for reply: To the editor: Dear Dr. Emily, That's cimetidine, cimetidine, not cement-a-dean. Rex Hall V.P. Schmidt, Cline, Phrench Rx Reply: To the editor: Never Mind! Dr. Emily S. Litella 28

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i iertvtte itwOi »75 ft • •■ uciv 3(ir e 7m ] -0i4a.a •'i. ' Since Congress seems determined to legislate our lives away for us, many medical students are becoming disillusioned with the idea of practicing human medicine. For those of you who are having problems deciding on an alternative, I have an idea. How about plant medicine? The large caseload of drooping dieffenbachias and parched pepperomias guarantees you a brisk practice. In order to aquaint you with this up-and- coming field, I present: THE PLANT DOCTOR Chapter 1 Talking to a Marijuana Plant (Cannabis sativa) Talking to Marijuana isn't exactly illegal, but having a Marijuana to talk to is. It's a tricky situation. Probably the best way to handle it is to meet a Marijuana that doesn't belong to you in a part of town where neither of you will be recognized. If you choose a restaurant for your rendezvous, don't tell the waiter you're expecting a Marijuana to join you. Say you're expecting a Cannabis sativa. Then, when the plant comes in and asks for your table, nobody will pay much attention. Chapter 2 What to Talk to a Marijuana About Actually, what to talk to a Marijuana about isn't much of a problem. Half the time it won't even know you're talking to it. It's always either thirsty or sick to its stomach or dizzy or having delusions of grandeur or it can't stop giggling. It's just about impossible to strike up any kind of a meaningful conversation with this looney plant. Chapter 3 Explaining Sex to Your Plant Sooner or later you're going to have to take your plant aside and talk to it about sex. Try not to make it sound dirty. Seed dispersal by wind should be one of the most beautiful experiences in a plant's life. For goodness sakes, don't use filthy words like stamen and pistil or you may wind up with a sexually inadequate plant. Likewise, the delicate subject of self-pollination should be handled without embarrassment. Your plant should be assured that most plants do it and that it doesn't make them crazy. Chapter 4 (Next week) Bugs 30