Indiana University School of Medicine - Caduceus Yearbook (Indianapolis, IN)

Page 25 text:

Results Medical Intelligence THE BEESON-ANDREWS SYNDROME The Beeson-Andrews syndrome is a clinical entity described as syncope which occurs at the time of sexual arousal and maximal penile volume (of men so equipped). Previous reports of this entity have failed to describe who is at risk and, in fact, to show the mechanics involved. The following report will illustrate the analysis done on the subject. Patients and Methods A SELECT group of twenty wild, crazy fellows agreed to drop their trousers for medical research (they also needed cash for the FLEX). In order to achieve the proper atmosphere, a group of wild women (who also needed many drachmas for a national exam) were assembled; they were to provide refreshments, show slides, ET CETERA. Blood flow was measured in the carotid artery and penile artery using the Doppler device. Cardiac output was measured using the modified Fick method. As we (and the literature) knew, the syncope was due to the shunting of blood from its normal pathway, and into the cavernosa of the penis. This is demonstrated in figure 1, which compares cardiac output and % of maximal penis size, at time of excitement. Figure 2 demonstrated the blood flow, to cerebral cortex compared to penile flow. Here we see the shunt in action as the penile blood flow increases at the expense of the cerebral blood flow. Discussion Thus, this study has brought forth data which graphically shows the cause of the paradoxical syncope one sees during expression of the Beeson-Andrews Syndrome. This paper does not attempt to evaluate the hypothesis that certain exotic coital positions have an abnormally high potential of reducing cerebral blood flow to the critical level. (It is felt that belief in this hypothesis may have been responsible for enactment of laws restricting legal positions for coitus.) This paper also did not try to demonstrate the actual (versus self- reported) incidence of this syndrome in the population. However, grant money should not be hard to come by for study of these interesting facets of the syndrome as this is such a fertile field of investigation. 21

Page 24 text:

Medical PRIMER FOR DOG SURGERY OR DOG SURGERY IN NINE EASY STEPS (1) Approach dog from behind cautiously, knowing he is awaiting results from a pre-op enema. (2) Direct your fellow student to the front of the dog to capture the dogs' attention. (3) Meanwhile, quietly peel off three feet of Never-Twist and Forever-Bound adhesive tape. (4) With one continuous sleek movement, pounce on the dog from behind and immobilize his temporomandibular joint with three feet of adhesive tape. Word to the wise: don't allow the mongrel's tongue to slip out of its' mouth during this maneuver, as it may cause inadvertent tongue clipping. (5) Do not allow the dogs' painful pleading yelps for mercy dissuade you from performing your task. (6) Upon completion of this procedure, point your dogs' jowls in the direction of your professor to avoid being bitten. (7) Next assign each student to an individual leg. The standard drawing out of the hat (recently popularized by the Medical Student Selection Committee) can be used effectively. Grab the dog . . . better yet, instruct your partner to grab the dog. Assign your other partner to grab one foreleimb, squeezing the leg with a tourniquet-like effect. Assign the remaining lab partner to inject the sedative intravenously. After injecting the calculated dosage, and observing that the canines' extremity is twice its1 normal size, cover your ears. Exit the lab for five minutes to avoid the heart stabbing whines of pain as the drug extravasates into the surrounding tissue. (In the event this should ever happen in the human surgical theatre, preface your departure with a tactful remark, such as time to go pee-pee or that Bran Diet Progress makes these long cases impossible. ). If the dog is still writhing and cursing after five minutes (and particularly if he says things like Oh Lordy and Grrrr-ooo- www-upp-eeeeeee-yip-yip- or Ouch! ), assume the sedative has not been absorbed. (At this point you may decide to use some STUNADOG in a convenient .22 caliber intracranial bolus). (8) Watch for the relaxed muscle state (RMS), characterized by the triad of drooping ears, limp extremities, and sphincter relaxation (this is why someone else should be holding the dog). (9) At this point the dog should be in Stage III anesthesia and you are prepared to go on with the lab. However, if the dog slipped into Stage V anesthesia your lab experience is over, also be sure to choose new partners for next week's dog lab. 20

Page 26 text:

National Bored Mini-Testes These are type XX questions. So choose any response that might have any bit of truth, or any that might confuse you. Just remember that your entire future is at your pencil ( 2, of course) tip. We've got you by the short and curlies!! 1. Which of the following would be the proper enema order for a 44 year old seen in the E.R. complaining of constipation? a. One Fleets STAT, then again at home if no results. b. One S.S. enema q8h until clear. c. One part Ex-Lax, two parts mineral oil qAM. d. One HIGH, HOT, HELLUVALOT, STAT, may repeat X2. 2. You are called to restart an I.V. on a 40 year old lady receiving D5W at K.O. rate. It is 3:00 AM (Greenwich Mean Time). Proper response should be . . . A. D C I.V. b. Use an 18 guage intracath post curare, the latter used because the patient does not want an I.V. c. Hang up, resume sleep. d. All of the above. 3. You awaken at 6:00 AM and find yourself snowed in. As a 3rd year medical student on the Medicine service, you should . . . a. Risk frostbite and loss of auto trying to get to Wizard. b. Call Nanuck's Dog Sled Taxi Service . c. Go back to sleep. d. Make a mad dash for the last available flight to Hawaii. 4. While attending a Dean's Hour (WHAT?) presentation, an associate suddenly jumps to his feet and shouts: You've raised your last pass level ! As he begins to run toward the podium, you should . . . a. Spear the upper outer quadrant of his left buttock with a syringe loaded with Haldol 5mgs. b. Pretend you do not know this disturbed fellow. c. Caution those asleep beneath the balcony to watch for a falling object. d. Help this fine fellow lead the pack bent on tarring and feathering the Dean. 5. The Dibucaine number . . . a. Represents the number of ring structures in dimethyl chicken wire. b. Is the number to call for a good massage. c. Divided by the inverse of the current temperature in Kelvin, reveals the new NBE pass level. d. Represents the amount of normal saline in ml's used to cure headaches in the Emergency Room. 22