Indiana University School of Medicine - Caduceus Yearbook (Indianapolis, IN)

Page 22 text:

Special As you know, when the nations' 200th birthday was celebrated, good-hearted, red-blooded Americans everywhere were using the media to remind everyone of our illustrious history. Class notes were no different as we shall now revisit the events which shaped American medical history 200 years ago. It was on October 7, 1775 that a Dover, Delaware general practitioner coined the most famous phrase in medicine when awakened by courier at 2:34 A.M. It seemed that one of his patients, Miss Judy Talcanbaum, was suffering from abdominal distress due to the ensuing birth of her 15th child. Dr. Walter Smidgeon told the courier to tell Miss Talcanbaum to take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Upon returning to bed, Dr. Smidgeon realized what he had done and immediately went downstairs to his laboratory to invent aspirin, a compound heretofore unknown to medical science. And that's the way it was on October 7, 1775, two hundred years ago. On October 15, 1775, the then fledgling AMA released information that the chastity belt could possibly be hazardous to the health of females. Walter Schlupps, the president of the AMA at that time said in a candid interview, There has been some evidence reported to us that metal intoxication has become a problem, and perhaps the localized vasoconstriction due to the belt may be causing circulatory problems in the lower extremities and those were factors in causing us to lobby for the outlaw of their use. Actually the biggest problem for us here at Massachusetts General has been that the nurses are always losing their keys. And that's the way it Articles was on October 15, 1775, two hundred years ago. On October 22, 1775, landmark surgery was performed in Manchester, New Hampshire thanks to a misunderstanding involving Dr. John Leadthorn, a ubiquitous defendant in malpractice court. A man, who had been shot by the British soldiers, was brought into the hospital and immediately rushed to surgery. Dr. Leadthorn began the operative procedure but as was typical of his performances, he quickly ran into trouble. As he quizzed the other members of the surgical staff for possible ideas to save the patient's life a young intern, prone to speaking out of turn, said, What we should do is get rid of Lead ... The intern was unable to finish the sentence because an alert scrub nurse, who was rumored to be having an affair with Dr. Leadthorn, slapped her hand over the young physician's mouth. While everyone else was temporarily shocked into silence, Dr. Leadthorn's face suddenly lit up. He quickly reached for a hemostat and dug deep into the wound and lifted the lead bullet from the chest of the patient. The rest of the surgery was unremarkable and the patient had an uneventful recovery. From that moment forward the treatment of choice for bullet wounds has been to get the lead out. And that's the way it was on October 22, 1775, two hundred years ago. On October 29, 1775, Sir Henry Dibucaine released the first report on toxicology ever in American medical history. Sir Dibucaine had been sent by King George III of England to investigate the possibilities that some drug was responsible for the strong resistance to his rule in the colonies. 18

Page 21 text:

CROTCH CRICKETS DISCOVERY AND ELIMINATION Of all the vermin that stalk mankind, none is more persistent, evil, or dreaded than P. pubis, a.k.a. the pubic louse, crotch crickets. Knowing no geographical or social limits, this elusive beast defies man's every attempt to rid himself of it. This report shall relate a new method of banishing the bugs. Methods of Study Emergency Rooms of the lesser Indianapolis area were contacted and asked to notify the Crotch Cricket Hotline whenever a suitable patient crossed the threshold. In the study were 88 patients of various racial, sexual and ethnic backgrounds. We tested a new form of extermination in 44 patients, which were randomly chosen. In this method, one-half of the pubic area is shaved. Sterno was spread about the remaining area in a dose of 1 gram per square foot. After igniting the petroleum product, the little rascals could be seen running for shelter. At that time, the clinician was able to skewer the devils with an ice pick. Results and Discussion The study was successful on several counts. Primarily, the parasites were eliminated quite well in the selected group (the control group did not fare so well, as they still kept the beasts). Very few parasites were left completely untouched in the selected group. Secondly, the treated group had a zero recurrance rate after six months of follow-up. Thirdly, very few dared to call upon the places in the study for treatment of pests, freeing the staff for more enjoyable pursuits. Thus it is proposed that this method of elimination of the dangerous P. pubis is safe, economical, and accepted by patient and practitioner alike. HERE TODAY . . . WHERE TOMORROW? What calamity might befall you as a student, a resident, or an unemployed phlebotomist? We at YOUR LIFE AND MONEY MUTUAL want to provide to you at reasonable rates the protection you deserve! Guard against: 1. accident 2. death 3. health 4. troublesome illnesses We have a policy to cover you in any situation that may arise!! Our claims have included: death after eating hospital food, laceration by knitting needle during lecture, dermatitis caused by wearing cheap honor society jewelry, and infection from bites from patients. WE SUPPLY COVERAGE FOR ANYTHING! SOUND GOOD? IT'S GREAT! Call our regional office (if by some act of God we've failed to badger you into submission already) for information. Remember our motto: WE WANT YOUR CASH Call toll free: 1-800-382-5968 Fuc-5968 17

Page 23 text:

A Bicentennial Salute Sure enough, Sir Dibucaine found that many of the younger persons in the colonies often sought refuge from the difficult times by smoking an herb imported from South America. To prove that this drug acted upon the cerebral centers to make the Americans more antagonistic to King George III, Sir Dibucaine developed the following experiment. He produced a powerful hybrid plant and gave it to volunteers (and there were many!) to see if they became more hostile to the English after smoking this hybrid plant. A sample from the questionnaire given to the subjects after administration of the drug will bear out that Sir Dibucaine was indeed on the right track. The war could be ended if: a) the colonies stopped their illegal, nonsensical resistance to the King b) King George III wasn't such a hemorrhoid The results showed that 7% answered A and that 74% answered B. Interestingly enough, 19% did not fill out their questionnaire for after administration of the hybrid plant they became so ravenously hungry that they ate their examination papers! Immediately upon receiving Sir Dibucaine's report, King George III passed a law making this drug illegal in the colonies. But it was too late, the drug had taken the colonies by storm and particularly among the underground, rarely a day went past when some young persons hung around the street corner in Boston and said, Hey man, let's do a Dibucaine number. And that's the way it was on October 29, 1775, two hundred years ago. On November 5, 1775 the first recorded case of successful corrective orthopedic surgery occured in the colonies. The operation was performed by a physician from the western part of the colonies who, according to legend, was a great surgeon but was rumored never to stay in one place too long. Harold Greenstick, a scout for the colonial army, had fallen off a 17.37 meter cliff and shattered his femur and tibia. He was admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital and miraculously the nomadic surgeon turned up to perform the operation. He worked quickly and efficiently and the patient reported that he felt little, if any, pain during the procedure. Although anesthesia had not yet been invented for surgical usage, it was common practice to attempt to sedate the patient with ethanol, 200mg Jack Daniels IV. was the usual dosage. After the enormously successful operation the surgeon and his assistant, still in their OR garb, came to the recovery room to look in on their still groggy patient. How are you felling now, asked the surgeon. OK, I think. I am a little groggy still but my leg already feels much better, Harold Greenstick replied. The surgeon smiled and turned to his assistant, Torso, our work here is done. As they quickly slipped out of the room Harold Greenstick looked on in awe. He then turned to a nurse and said, Hey, I never did catch that doctor's name. Who is that masked man? Oon't you know, the nurse replied, that's the Bone Arranger! And that's the way it was on November 5, 1775, two hundred years ago. 19