Indiana University School of Medicine - Caduceus Yearbook (Indianapolis, IN)

Page 21 text:

CROTCH CRICKETS DISCOVERY AND ELIMINATION Of all the vermin that stalk mankind, none is more persistent, evil, or dreaded than P. pubis, a.k.a. the pubic louse, crotch crickets. Knowing no geographical or social limits, this elusive beast defies man's every attempt to rid himself of it. This report shall relate a new method of banishing the bugs. Methods of Study Emergency Rooms of the lesser Indianapolis area were contacted and asked to notify the Crotch Cricket Hotline whenever a suitable patient crossed the threshold. In the study were 88 patients of various racial, sexual and ethnic backgrounds. We tested a new form of extermination in 44 patients, which were randomly chosen. In this method, one-half of the pubic area is shaved. Sterno was spread about the remaining area in a dose of 1 gram per square foot. After igniting the petroleum product, the little rascals could be seen running for shelter. At that time, the clinician was able to skewer the devils with an ice pick. Results and Discussion The study was successful on several counts. Primarily, the parasites were eliminated quite well in the selected group (the control group did not fare so well, as they still kept the beasts). Very few parasites were left completely untouched in the selected group. Secondly, the treated group had a zero recurrance rate after six months of follow-up. Thirdly, very few dared to call upon the places in the study for treatment of pests, freeing the staff for more enjoyable pursuits. Thus it is proposed that this method of elimination of the dangerous P. pubis is safe, economical, and accepted by patient and practitioner alike. HERE TODAY . . . WHERE TOMORROW? What calamity might befall you as a student, a resident, or an unemployed phlebotomist? We at YOUR LIFE AND MONEY MUTUAL want to provide to you at reasonable rates the protection you deserve! Guard against: 1. accident 2. death 3. health 4. troublesome illnesses We have a policy to cover you in any situation that may arise!! Our claims have included: death after eating hospital food, laceration by knitting needle during lecture, dermatitis caused by wearing cheap honor society jewelry, and infection from bites from patients. WE SUPPLY COVERAGE FOR ANYTHING! SOUND GOOD? IT'S GREAT! Call our regional office (if by some act of God we've failed to badger you into submission already) for information. Remember our motto: WE WANT YOUR CASH Call toll free: 1-800-382-5968 Fuc-5968 17

Page 20 text:

Original Articles IT'S YOUR MOVE! SUBJECT RESERVOIR FOR DOG SURGERY’ DUNN MEADOW MUTANTS During World War II the U.S. Government sponsored a research project at I.U. Bloomington to test the effects of genetic irradiation and administration of chemical mutagens on medium sized animals. About 600 purebred and mongrel dogs were used as the test samples and they were afterwards released on campus to evaluate progression of after effects. The results so far indicate that these dogs have remarkably long lifespans and develop few of the stigmata of aging; however, most of the dogs have acquired mild to moderate deformities and still emit variable levels of gamma radiation. (The I.U. students have affectionately named these creatures Dunn Meadow Mutants because of their tendency to congregate in Dunn Meadow, a grassy mall on the I.U. campus, and their characteristic appearance.) Our experience with these animals in the Medical Center dog labs has proven them to be especially hardy subjects, often surviving 3 or 4 experiements before they succumb. Although 4% of medical student experimenters have received lethal doses of radiation (only significant to the 0.04 Peon level) in today's world of soaring medical costs we feel this new reservoir of dog lab subjects should be tapped to its fullest potential. But for many patients, their move never comes. For one reason or another (age, guilt, depression, etoh, etc.) they cannot complete the pass . As one patient put it: There's no lead in the pencil . TRY STIFFERINE University studies have proven the effectiveness of STIFFERINE to combat flaccidity in the male. In fact, one study (unpublished) noted increased libido in female subjects (who were accidently given the drug). Dosage: (Adults only) 1 tablet, q4h prior to the wild act. (Use 1 2 tablet when racehorse siring is the goal). Contraindications and warnings: Be CAREFUL!!! Use in males already erect has resulted not in growth, but in severe damage to the male organ! There is one case of glans explosion! From your friends at PLACIBA 16

Page 22 text:

Special As you know, when the nations' 200th birthday was celebrated, good-hearted, red-blooded Americans everywhere were using the media to remind everyone of our illustrious history. Class notes were no different as we shall now revisit the events which shaped American medical history 200 years ago. It was on October 7, 1775 that a Dover, Delaware general practitioner coined the most famous phrase in medicine when awakened by courier at 2:34 A.M. It seemed that one of his patients, Miss Judy Talcanbaum, was suffering from abdominal distress due to the ensuing birth of her 15th child. Dr. Walter Smidgeon told the courier to tell Miss Talcanbaum to take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Upon returning to bed, Dr. Smidgeon realized what he had done and immediately went downstairs to his laboratory to invent aspirin, a compound heretofore unknown to medical science. And that's the way it was on October 7, 1775, two hundred years ago. On October 15, 1775, the then fledgling AMA released information that the chastity belt could possibly be hazardous to the health of females. Walter Schlupps, the president of the AMA at that time said in a candid interview, There has been some evidence reported to us that metal intoxication has become a problem, and perhaps the localized vasoconstriction due to the belt may be causing circulatory problems in the lower extremities and those were factors in causing us to lobby for the outlaw of their use. Actually the biggest problem for us here at Massachusetts General has been that the nurses are always losing their keys. And that's the way it Articles was on October 15, 1775, two hundred years ago. On October 22, 1775, landmark surgery was performed in Manchester, New Hampshire thanks to a misunderstanding involving Dr. John Leadthorn, a ubiquitous defendant in malpractice court. A man, who had been shot by the British soldiers, was brought into the hospital and immediately rushed to surgery. Dr. Leadthorn began the operative procedure but as was typical of his performances, he quickly ran into trouble. As he quizzed the other members of the surgical staff for possible ideas to save the patient's life a young intern, prone to speaking out of turn, said, What we should do is get rid of Lead ... The intern was unable to finish the sentence because an alert scrub nurse, who was rumored to be having an affair with Dr. Leadthorn, slapped her hand over the young physician's mouth. While everyone else was temporarily shocked into silence, Dr. Leadthorn's face suddenly lit up. He quickly reached for a hemostat and dug deep into the wound and lifted the lead bullet from the chest of the patient. The rest of the surgery was unremarkable and the patient had an uneventful recovery. From that moment forward the treatment of choice for bullet wounds has been to get the lead out. And that's the way it was on October 22, 1775, two hundred years ago. On October 29, 1775, Sir Henry Dibucaine released the first report on toxicology ever in American medical history. Sir Dibucaine had been sent by King George III of England to investigate the possibilities that some drug was responsible for the strong resistance to his rule in the colonies. 18