Indiana University School of Medicine - Caduceus Yearbook (Indianapolis, IN)

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10 THE NEW ENNUI JURINAL OF SCUT May 15, 1977

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National Bored of Medical Examiner’s Test Part 11 9 Instructions: Get into a crouch position. Grasp heels with hands. Lean forward so as to bring vertex of calverium into alignment with one’s perineum. Recite a benediction and kiss your medical career goodbye. •'or multiple insult (pieslions, mark answer sheet with heavy lines using only a Number 2 pencil or the blood of a virgin. mark A if answer is 1,2, and 3 “B” if answer is 1,3, and sometimes 2 “C if answer does not include 4. 5, and possibly not 2; no, better make that 3, 4 and possibly not 5 “D if answer is A, B, or C; mark only one answer “E” if answer is “Catch 22” 1. ) You arc on call in a community Emergency Room. A 42 year-old male, who has been playing pool, presents with an eight-ball lodged in his right eye, the result of over-zealous scrutiny of play. On the basis of your fundoscopic exam of the right eye and eight ball, does this patient have a hematoma? 1 Maybe 2 Ask again 3 Answer is hazy 4 Absolutely 5 Definitely not 2. ) A 17 year-old male presents with acute onset of bilateral testicular pain. Careful history taking ascertains that the patient has just been to a drive-in move with his 16 year-old girlfriend (Gr O, P O) where the couple engaged only in vigorous foreplay times two hours. The likely diagnosis is: 1 Boogie Fever 2 Love Hangover 3 Statesboro Blues 4 Venus Stasis Ulcer 5 Kung Flu FightV 3. ) The proper thing to say to the mother of a child presenting with enuresis is: 1 When it rains, it pours.” 2 “Baliff, whack his pecpce.” 3 Look on the bright side, he could have hematuria. 4 You know where to put the cork.” 5 Just point to your diploma and smile. 4. ) (T or F) Toilet seats are transmitted during sexual intercourse. 5. ) (T or F) A seminoma is an Indian who lives in the Everglades. 6. ) (T or F) The front-most tooth is named the cuspidor. 7. ) (T or F) The most deadly reptile is the Monty Python (the Silinauti chccztwit). 8. ) (T or F) A pressure sensation in the introitus occuring with exercise and radiating to a jaw is called vangina. (proceed to complete questions 9 through 978 on the following pages)

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11 Ground Rounds in Hematology Talking ’Bout Bad Blood by Jim Lee, M.D. (Stanford University School of Medicine) with Elton John Basil Basophil stared absent-mindedly at his dinner. “What’s the matter, dear?” asked his mother, Emma Erythrocyte. “Aw, everything, Ma,” said Basil. “Why the heck did I have to be born a basophil anyway? I don’t fit in any- where. Why couldn't 1 have been a normal red cell like all the other kids?” “Basil, dear. I've told you time and again, not everyone can be a heme man. Now, please, clean your platelet. “But even if I do have to be a basophil, when will I ever reach myelopuberty? I haven’t got a specific granule in my body.” “Be patient, Basil, “said the understandingerythromomma. “The time will come when you will shrink down to be a normal sized basophil like your father, and then you'll even stop having kids. And get your hands away from your face! she scolded. “Big basophils who pyknosis never shrink down to be little basophils. Now, go out and play and let me finish my ironning. And don't forget your buffy coat!” she yelled in vein as he squeezed out of their modest but tastefully furnished sinusoid. “Blast! There's never anything to do around here. I'm really Bohred,” thought Basil as he cruised through the lung for the third time. “Burr, it’s cold in here. Maybe I'll go down to the Inferior Vena Cava and marginate for a while.” On his way down the descending aorta, Basil heard music coming from the spleen. “Oh, boy. sounds like a party. Maybe I can meet a girl there. I've heard there's usually a lot of nymphocytes at these parties,” he thought, hanging a quick left. When he squeezed into the party, lie couldn't believe his eyes. It seemed like the entire erythron was there. A lot of neutrophils were there, too. “I hate phag parties,” thought Basil. Basil circulated for a while, but was too shy to talk to any girls. “No girl would want to talk to me anyway,” he muttered under his breath. “I have a Dohle body.” “What did you say?” asked a feminine voice, and Basil turned to sec the most beautiful neutrophil he’d ever seen. “Hi, my name's Polly. What's yours?” “B-B-Basil” “You’re a cytc for sore eyes, Basil. I've been looking for a guy like you for the longest time. How old arc you, anyway?” “I'll Bj 2 tomorrow. “You’re pulling my seg!” exclaimed Polly. “You look much older. You’re quite pernicious for your age. You have magnificent granules.” Basil didn’t know quite what to make of this. “She must be talking to someone else,” he thought. He looked down in shame, but, lo and behold, his body was filled with exquisite deep blue granules. Basil thought fast. “Enough about my granules. Let's get specific. How about if we go to my place and coagulate for a while?” “Sounds great, little fella,” said Polly, and they flowed off together, lobe in lobe, to live happily ever after. Isn’t that hcmatopoetic? OCOJRED glRSTfiECORDED iji|H TRANSFUSION FROvi AN AN!ML (lAMB)TOA HUMAN (A 80V) WAS DONE BY JEAN BAPTISTE DENIS IN 1667.