Indiana University School of Medicine - Caduceus Yearbook (Indianapolis, IN)

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May 15, 1977 cr THE NEW ENNUI JURINAL OF SCUT JUL A r; JL K C I -•c jr ; □ r THE I V• COATED HALLS OF TH, American College of Scut uni T ...n rs □ Located on a sprawling square block campus, the American College of Scut offers medical students ready access to the Dog Pound and City Abattoir. Besides offering basic courses in Phlebotomy and Foley Insertion, the College prides itself in a wide range of continuing studies including Advanced Impaction Digitalization and Post-Graduate Sputum Collection. Tradition is the keystone of scut education, where eager students have for years diligently shunned reading assignments and ardently disregarded call respon- sibilities. And the AC of S is tops in its sports division. The Fight'n’ Scutters have won the Lab Result Relay and X-Ray Transport Marathon for seven consecutive years. Scutters offer an affirmative answer to the challenging question, “Can you polish stool?” School Symbol: the mushroom Mascots: scutty dog and her offspring, the scut puppy Former Symbol: two lips rampant on a professor's ass Famous AC of S Quotes: “We have met the enema and it is ours. Motto: ,A medical student is not unlike a mushroom; he’s kept in the dark and frequently coated with stool. Don’t draw blood till you see the yellow of their eyes. ” Official Song: “Be True to Your Stool It’s not the length of the needle, but the magic of the performer. t-w —'£' SCUT FACILITIES 1—Famed Scutland Yards 2—The newly completed Scut Yacht Club and Private Intercostal Waterway 3-Highly successful high-rise on-call extern penthouse

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The New Ennui Jurinal of Scui Established In 1812 as The NEW ENNUI JURINAE OF MUDICINE AND SCUV Abstracts in the advertising sections VOLUME 1 May 15, 1977 NUMBER 1 Original Articles Chronic Mambo Sauce Ingestion as a Risk Factor in Myocardial Infarction and Impotence................................... 237 Mary Woo Borster and Michael Clarke Jean Dixon Shockingly Predicts Jackie Onassis’ Histoincompatibility with Her Next Husband................................ 242 Alan Hall, Eric Leaminc and Frank J. Arbercer Planet of the Meds Medical Students from Outer Space? Prehistoric Petrified Vacu- tainers Point to this Possibility........... 246 James Ff.nogua and Elizabeth A. Tindall Malabsorption of Edible Underwear: a Brief Study of Four Perverts Whose Names Will Appear in Bold Print Unless They Cough Up Big Bucks.......................... 249 Daniel Goldstein and Dennis McClure Special Article Case Records Lisp, Posterior Excoriation, Limp Wrist, and Swishing Gait in a 22-Year-Old Male: Tetralogy of Faggot...................... 262 Janet Klkmm , Diane S. Lynch and Christopher Chappel Editorials Homosexuality: Illness or Disease?...... 264 Banana, Peel Thyself!........................ 268 False Positive Results with Standing Stool Velocities................................. 276 Clinical Significance of the “O” and “Q” Signs...................................... 279 Correspondence Endowed Medical Stud Seeks Liberated Nurse for Stat B O, PRN............................ 280 Gets Up in the Morning, Slaving for Bread, Sir; So That Every Mouth Can Be Fed; Oh, Oh, the Metabolites................................... 281 Disappearing Nursing Homes in the South: Atlanta, the Lost Incontinent.............. 253 Patricia Dillon Medical Intelligence Differentiation of Coma, Brain Death, and An Insurance Salesmen Party............. 259 Stephen H. Garry and Johnny Chin Drug Therapy: Spanish Flics (Make Your Baby Hot, But Don’t Get Cot)............ 260 Codman’s Triangle: Why Have 13 Surgical Clamps Mysteriously Disappeared Without a Trace in This Region?............................ 281 The Marshall Syndrome: Fecal Impaction Associ- ated With Otitis Media........................... 281 There’s a Fungus Among Us........................... 282 At Ease, Disease...................................... Lung Underwear: How to Keep your Favorite Respiratory Tech Warm at Night................... 283 Just What Is It That You Eat?....................... 284 Raising the Sick and Healing the Dead............... ooe Slit Keene and John Fairbaipn Piss Poor Protoplasm 286

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VOI.. I NO. I gri.yi momi n is in mi iiistoky or sen The name Sanjaya Bhagavad-Gita Arjuna is often touted among medical circles as the inventor of the IV. It is commonplace knowledge that in the early 1800's, this Indian anesthesiologist utilized bamboo shoots to replace fluids in a severely dehydrated aged sage who succumbed to evil vapors and cholera. Unfortunately, no credit is given to Sri Pranananananada, the medical student on call that fateful night, who was given most humble task of starting IVlee. It was the same Sri P. who, over a decade later, invented the finger, which revolutionized the removal of impacted fecal masses. The artist refused to be named. (Hint — she is a medical illustrator somewhere in a Gulf city that rhymes with Gnu Morleans.)