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Page 41 text:
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lt's really much more than a matter of who does the dishes, and who lights whose cigarette. The liberation of the sexes holds the promise of devastating change, ranging from altered self-images to a vast redefini- tion of the family structure. Men and women are being handed a package of fresh roles. Suddenly, woman's future and poten- tial lies in places other than her uterus, man is no longer limited by a strangling sense of machismo. Finally, a hypocritical and treacherous double-standard is being dis- carded, replaced by a realistic, uncom- promising honesty and a new sense of humannood. How can these changes become instig- ated?Largely by looking at oneself and investigating some arbitrary condition- ing- that concerning the mystiques of marriage, masculinity, and femininity. Unfortunatly, mariage is all too often viewed as a cure-all for personality defects, a refuge from loneliness, an instantaneous key to lifelong happiness. Burdened by such awesome over-expectations, one out of three marriages ends in divorce. And of the two remaining, only one is considered a happy and functional marriage. Perhaps such poor odds are in part attributable to men's and women's conflicting views of marriage. Marriage is only an aspect of men's lives.They must also be concerned with the business of earning a living, of actualizing their selves in the variety of spheres open to them. Marriage, though, serves as the very core of most women's lives. Their status is denoted by that of their husbands. Their Great Divide By: Brenda Libman lives are lived out through their children. They adjust to an image that halts their growth. Their housework expands to fill the time available-and is glorified as a woman's true profession. The bearing of children is hyped as the ultimate act of fulfillment. A woman's meaning begins and ends within a tight, nuclear family situation. She is limited by a conditioned sense of acceptance and passivity, and a suffocating lack of options. It appears obvious that The American Way of marriage and the family is not functioning at an optimal level. A happy family is more often the exception rather than the rule. Perhaps a factor in this disruption between the cultural ideal and real is the limited, centric notion of the one right way. The American middle- class marriage is dictated to by a lengthy set of sanctions and proscriptions. While providing a predictable framework these narrow provisions limit the amount of growth that may be experienced through exploring other options and new forms. The traditional framework may well be enhanced and expanded, through redefini- tions, reevaluations and individual modification. Options, comments and re- thoughts will be explored through a delineation of the American marital stan- dards. The be marriedu is often stated by women as an essential goal. Training for future motherhood is begun in early child- hood, whereas a male is skewerdly directed toward exploring aspects of his masculinity and emerging self. While most men expect to find themselves eventually married, they 39
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Page 42 text:
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don't fas women dol derive their sense of worth and status through their mate. Per- haps this is reflected in the pronouncement man and wife. When marriage is viewed as a goal, an end in itself, the mate is reduced to a vehicle through which one obtains the state of marriage. One wonders how joy and satisfaction would increase if marriage for alternative structuresl was viewed as a by-product of a happy relationship, rather than a concrete, inculcated goal. lt seems hardly surprising that, given sex- differentiated preparation and nonques- tioning acceptance for resignationl of the marriage goal, so many marriages are beset by the probelms of limited fulfillment and stifled growth. Middle class values extol personal affec- tion and individual choice as the solid foundation for marriage. Often, this is little more than lip-service. Homosexual, bi- sexuals and other pioneers of new forms, striveing to exercise their individual choice, are denied expression, and are fabled deviant. Freedom is allowed existence only within tight societal limitations result- ing in operative hypocrisy. Personal affec- tion and individual choice must be allowed fuller rein f85,UECfc'lff,l' in such a diversified land as ourl resulting in greater satisfaction for greater numbers of people, and an extension of the meaning of freedom. Another facet to this point can be raised. Personal affection between the mates is hailed as the prime basis of a successful marriage. Yet, as we have seen, many marriages conceived in romantic love fail devastatingly. An overemphasis on romanticism may lead to idealifation and eventual disillusionment. Perhaps marriage might be better based on the blending of personal affectuibm cinnib abd realistic sense, and active awareness and preparation for the difficulties marriage can present. ln earlier days, and in some present agrarian situations, the family was incor- porated into a tight, primary, extended group, encompassing several generations -lil and networks of affinal ties. No doubt stress and problems resulting from over- control and life-long interdependence existed. Today, though, due to the myriad effects of urbanization, corporate employ- ment, etc., the family structure has evolved into an isolated, nuclear unit, removed from kinship ties, or residential ethnic groupings. The effects of this, both positive and negative, are too numerous to examine here. Instead, we shall question the value of nuclearism upon the children. It would be fascinating to investigate the influence upon children of the many close adult models found in urban and rural communes and tribal structures. Several positive aspects can be hypothesized. The children might identify with a wider scope of humanity due to increased affectional adult contact. Also, a wide variety of surrogates could be offered to a child who perceived his parents as rejecting, or even momen- tarily unpleasant. Peer-group values might more closely reflect the needs and desires of the group at large. Perhaps middle class America has unconsciously limited the rich- ness and scope of family life be emphasiz- ing an autonomy that might lead to the barren sense of anomie. A marriage's success is measured by the degree of personal satisfaction and happi- ness derived from it. Tragically, the number of successful, working marriages is small. Considering society's major investment in the marital structure, one would think that several facilitators could be instituted to aid the success of a marriage. These could include financing neighborhood day care center. fProviding affection, pre-scool readiness aids, supervised peer involvement and aiding working and student mothersl Other ideas might include extensive and humanistic sex-education programs, neighborhood workshops on family plan- ning, economic advisment, human poten- tialities. Happiness, rather than a gift granted from the heavens, is a continuing process of compromise and understanding.
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