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Page 20 text:
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More-blood-in-the-gutter Lane Dump-all Island April 28, 1945 We-try-to-hook-’em Company 1 66 Crooked Avenue Scapegoat, Arkhio • Dear Miss McCarthy: For sixteen long, dreary, tedious years I have worked on this island, located 60 miles from nowhere and halfway between, trying to make rubber from the pogus plant. During this length of time I have received from you no correspondence, not even an infinitesimal raise or promotion. It is quite obvious that you do not realize or have chosen to disregard the many hard- ships that I have had to endure. For ex- ample: Yesterday I was out for my daily promenade when who should clasp his hand over my throat but Larengitis LaVoie, king of the Moogle (You’re-an-ugly-piece-of- meat-but-I-can-down-you) cannibals. It looked as if I was to be the piece-de-resist- ance. If it hadn’t been for the timely ef- forts of Zarton Odie (Rubber-muscles) Needle, I no doubt would have found my- self filetted and flavored with Torrey’s red hot Russian dressing. I am down on my knees, raising my hands in supplication, voicing a silent pray- er, begging, wishing, washing, wanting to be transferred to elsewhere. Appealing yours, bcmald JlodeAi ne'' Fashion note: Among his majesty’s en- tourage was his wife, the island’s social leader, Goryia Dandrew, arrayed becom- ingly in a new grass skirt. ------------v------------ A Girl from the States Listen my children and you shall hear Thrilling adventures of Betty Bell-vedere. This little girl, so blithesome and gay. Once took a short trip down to Uruguay. Down there it happened, as it’s happened before, That she fell for a handsome and bold com- modore. Oh! his name, Oh! his name, Douglas Jemery, Always will remain in her memory. On a nice wide street near a shimmering sea, To her girlish heart, he captured the key. To each other forever their love they pledged, As they stood in a trance on the seashore’s edge. All the clouds in the sky were a very bright pink, 'Til away he sailed in the kitchen sink. Bravely she stood by the side of the bay. As from the port he sailed away. Sorrowfully drying her eyes of tears, Betty walked sadly away from the piers. Oh, where, oh where would she turn in her grief ? Where could she possibly seek relief? Oddly enough in the town this day. Appeared a marine from Mandalay. This was a horse of a quite different hue. His welcome advances, however, were few. She was a girl from the United States, He went by the name of Clifton Gates. This new romance, at its very start, Was utterly spoiled by Frances Hart. Now, though the time is but five years later. Our sweet Betty Bell is now a proud mater. For alas and alack, she did wed a peon. The terrible, wonderful, toreador, Elon. —John (Brother of the Mighty) Rouse ■UM| | i H Jltt Ufomoriam lartmt Major VanSIyke was killed by the last bullet of the war, fired just as he reached the front. He was ac- corded a funeral with full military honors, but, reluctant to leave his comfortable shell hole, let the fun- eral proceed without him until the coffin was being lowered. Then, combing his hair for the last time, the corpse sprang into place, face down, relieved that he would never have to rise again.
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Page 19 text:
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Our Motto: Fair is fowl and fowl is fairer. Ethel Provost is willing to exchange her “wig for an equal amount of high grade camel’s hair. Mary Scott is willing to exchange her seat in Chemistry class for one on a buggy beside Gerald Thornton. Frances Simons would just as soon swap her braces for a good set of false teeth. For hire: Japanese houseboy: guaranteed —at least one stab-in-the-back per week. Thelma Crossmon is willing to exchange her present singleness for “the ties that bind.” Jean LaBow will exchange $500 for R. Valle’s little black book entitled Some of the Nation’s Most Interesting Telephone Numbers. Roger Anderson will exchange three used saftey pins for a copy of P. J. Smith’s book Little Headaches of 1943. This excellent piece of writing is per- haps the only record in existence of his famous fifth-period English class. The school at large will exchange any- thing for two megaphones to be donated to Thomas Andrews and George Morgan so that they may be heard from a distance of more than five feet. John Rouse will trade Rhumba lessons for one good looking dance partner on a permanent-lease basis. Those on the humor staff will exchange this whole section for one funny thought. Margaret Towlson will trade a second hand piece of corrugated steel wool for a lifetime with Dick. Fama Glasser will exchange her present home for one situated within easy dreaming distance of a training camp. Robert Coates will exchange a varied collection of used school books for one good copy of Einstein’s “Pet Theory on Love.” Notice: Will the person who was seen leaving the school building at 1 p. m. yes- terday with a radiator over his back please return said radiataor and no questions will be asked. REPORT Col. Orela Kenyon to Gen. George Morgan Office of Occupation E. McIntosh — Chair Duster In Re research work: Sergeant Carlton Yerdon has discovered a valuable process for extracting bospheric acid from the Bos- pherous Sea. Seaman Hilton LaBow, after washing 464,183 dishes on his ship has in- vented a new type of dish-washer. It works on the principle of hanging the dishes over the side in a basket tied to a winch. In Re autographs: Enclosed you will find the autograph of Yard Bird Wendel Peter- son which you requested. In Re espionage: Our beautiful spies, Leonora Wranesh and Carmen Eldridge were executed yesterday by a group of Ger- man agents. It seems they realized they weren’t German when they heiled Hitler. In Re radio broadcasts: An important radio message, broadcast by enemy radio last night and picked up by operator Barb- are Fuller, who though a great talker herself, found this just too much, said, quote, Ching ding, chong ich wash shome dish, Ickle bic- kle boo Yonkee Dodle, end quote. In Re construction: The new bridge from Japan to China, designed by architect Don- ald Jefferson and being built by engineer Glenn Hess collapsed while under construc- tion. It developed that both the architect and the engineer had forgotten the piers. In Re official visits: The new governor of the islands, Howard Kelley, arrived for an inspection tour last week. The governor’s lefthand man, Robert Bilek, loquaciously announced (in 54,647 words) that more corn was thrown in 1944 than was grown in the past decade. In Re conservation: After three years of extensive research work, the eminent scien- tist Richard Evans has reached the astound- ing conclusion that, at the present rate of consumption of salt water, in about fifty years there won’t be any sea to it; it’ll be all dry land, if it doesn’t rain. In Re complaints: Miss Joyce Hockey, traveling bubble-gum dancer, has filed a complaint with our office. Details follow: The astute Robert Bush, pilot of one of the rocket ships of the Schell Enterprizes Inc., while on a routine flight to the moon, made a forced landing on Miss Hockey’s newly imported supply of Coates’ Chewing gum from Chattanooga. However, Mr. Bush died in the accident which proved quite fatal to him. For want of someone to sue, Miss Hockey is suing us. She needs a new suit. In Re requests: At this time we feel oblig- ed to ask for the transfer of WAAC McCoy to some far-distant place (preferably a de- sert island). This waacy WAAC has made a nuisance of herself by repeated attempts to poison various citizens with her new cow tonic.
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