Glebe Collegiate Institute - Lux Glebana Yearbook (Ottawa, Ontario Canada)

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Mr. Bruce: Really, Miss Alex-' ander, we must leave something. to be found out in the next world. Foot-pad: Get ready to die. Mr. Keill: Why? Foot-pad: I have always said I'd shoot anyone who looked like me. Mr. Keill: Do I look like you? Foot-pad: Yes. Mr. Keill: Then shoot. Mr. Keill: How many times have I told you to get to school on time? K. Scobie: I don't know sir, I thought you were keeping score. THIRD FORM NEWS 'Twas The Night Before-P BY ETHEL LEIKEN-SG. nt plus the root of 9 CI hope no one else has a dress like minej 6 times 45 add 10, QI hope he asks for a date againlj Three years ago-that's yt, CI wonder what colour his eyes can beg- I think I'll try that new French rouge-D Now how did I get these 2's? CGee! I hope my hair looks nice- My gown is sweet, but oh! the priceb I've solved this now, why this is simple, CGosh! he's got an adorable dim- plelj Now if PRZ plus S is 8, That makes-QI hope he won't be latel Hmm, that makes-now let me think- QI do hope I look nice in pink.J- Now what the heck is the root of 3 This isn't as easy as I thought t'would be, ! l ! X Algebra makes my poor head swim! Woops! there's the phone-CI hope it's HIMJ NEW LAWS FOR PHYSICS No. 1. Attention varies in- versely as the density of a pupil's brain and directly as the elasticity of the teacher's tongue. No. 2. The longer the spoke, the greater the tire. THE SICK BONNIE BY A FUTURE MED. STUDENT. My Bonnie has actinomycosis, Hepatic sclerosis, Doc says. He thinks she has chronic neph- ritis, She's all shot to pieces I guess. LUX GLEBANA My Bonnie has pseudoleuhemia, Arthritis, cystitis and heaves, She now gives the glanders re- action, So here's where my poor Bonnie leaves. Scene-Cosmetic Lane, second fioor. . Time-Recess. Drammatis Personnae- Miss G. Ometry-3X Miss L. Atin-3Z G.0.-Ouch! stop pushing. Can you remember who I lent my history hook to? L.A.-I think it was to-who threw that book? It must have been that little nuisance from 3D in the next aisle. Anyway it's a history book. I guess you can borrow it. G.O.-By the way, speaking of HER, did you get an eyeful of her on Friday-that dress-enough to make Mr. MacLennan forget that Silence is golden . L.A.-She was at Fortune on Saturday and she certainly was playing up to Bob M. She was awfully mad because I ate at the same table with him. Serves her right, the little vamp. Don't you think that Bob is divine looking? G.O.-I think .lack is away ahead of him as far as looks go. I think he's per-r-fect. L.A.-There goes the belle of 3F. Hmm, I wonder if she ever wears her hair the same way for two days in a row. G.O.-I doubt-it, you know, Variety is the spice of life . L.A.-Her evenings certainly are hectic-I've never seen her out with the same boy twice. G.O.-Neither have I. She certainly gets around. Can you lend me your repair kit? Gosh! it's getting late. I have Miss McCloskey next space-can't af- ford to be late. See you later. L.A.-So long. FOR SALE Excuses for all occasions fwith one exception-for not having Latin doneg that is too much to expectl-cheap, apply Locker 100, 6th floor. p N.B.-We specialize in ways and means of getting out of gym periods and alibis for Friday afternoon absences. Some good notes from home, slightly used but still presentable. Exclusive photographs of your favourite movie actors and act- resses-made to fit the locker.- Apply Les. Sutherland. Mr. Keill- For what were the ancient Romans remarkable? Helen Patrick- They under- stood Latin. It was Howard Miller's Hrst evening as usher in the Assembly Hall, and he was a bit iiustered. Turning to a lady he said, This way, madam, and I will sew you to a sheet . Mr. Callan- I hope that you will have a very pleasant holiday and come back a wiser man. Bill Cory- Same to you, Sir. Mr. MacLennan- The circum- ference of a circle will be found to be 2 pi r. George Cole- Then I suppose that the circumference of a square will be found to be 2 pudding is. Phyllis c.H Which do you think has the worst temper, a blond or a red head?', Friend- You ought to know, you've been both. Susie B.- You don't act as if I was the first girl you ever kissed. Mr. X.- If I am the first man who ever kissed you, how do you know I don't? It has been discovered that the recent fiu epidemic is both affir- mative and negative. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose. FIRST FORM PAGE Mr. Merkley: What is the lowest form of animal life? Christie: A Hrst former. Miss Locklin: Who said 'Eng- land expects every man to do his duty?' Sally Ann: It must have been Audrey, Miss, I saw her talking . Miss Norris: Was that you laughing, Shirley? Shirley: Yes, Miss, I laughed up my sleeve but there's a hole in the elbow. Little dabs of powder Little specks of paint Make first-formers' freckles Look as if they ain't. G. Wright: Who was the peach I saw you with last night? S. Wilson: That was no peach. That was a fruit salad. She was as sour as a lemon, as slippery as a banana, and when I squeezed her she hit me in the eye like a Grapefruit. Page 1 01

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FOURTH FORM NEWS DEFINITIONS SOCIALISM-YOU have two cows, you give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM-You have two cows, and give both to the Govern- ment and the Government gives you the milk. FASCISM-YOU keep both cows and give the milk to the Govern- ment, and the Government sells part of it back to you. NAZHSM - The Government shoots you and takes both cows. New DEALISM-The Govern- ment shoots one cow, milks the other and pours the milk down the sewer. A cautious look around he stole, His bag of chink he chunk, And many a wicked smile he smcle, And many a wink he wunk. Breathes there a man with soul so dead Who never nearly lost his head, And played with model trains and cars When wandering through the toy bazaars. SCHOOLBOY HOWLERS. The only signs of life in this wilderness are a few stunted corpses. Napoleon had three wives: Jose- phine, Marie Theresa, and Elba. The Romans built their roads straight so that the Britons could not hide behind corners. School boards were not intro- duced until 1870. Previous to this, small slates were used. The horse broke into a lively decanter. King Henry VIII had a mar- vellous funeral. It took ten men to carry the beer. Alexander Mackenzie was the first white man to see the Pacific Ocean coming down the Fraser River. A doughty knight once forth did fare, He got the colic-when and where? In the middle of the knight. Cullcd from Glebe exam papers Il y a une grosse mer: He had a fat mother. Il fait des eclaires: He is making chocolate cakes. Stante litora puppes: There stands a litter of pups. Miss Gilhooly: Cexplaining the plot of a storylz It is the dead of night. Two masked figures creep furtively from the shrubbery and Page 1 00 rear a ladder against the grim old house. They creep silently through the window and enter a darkened room. The clock strikes one. . . Sandy Whitton: Qbreathlessly:l Which one? Most war slogans die, but Miss Cowie still has need of the Verdun Motto: They shall not pass . Mr. Bullock: Now in case any- thing happens to go wrong with this experiment, the laboratory and all of us would be blown to pieces. CA pause.l Now come closer boys, so you can follow me. Mr. Keill: What's the Latin verb for believe? Snowdon: Dardefino. Mr. Keill: Correct, sit down. It was an ancient mariner Who stoppeth one of three-- Now when it comes to keeping goal, What a washout he would be! D'ye ken John Peel with his coat so gray In the old-fashioned town of ' Athlone For he's gone back to the tumble- down shack To get his poor dog a bone. There was a young lady Sharkey, Who up and married a darky, She had for her sins- Triplets, not 'quins - One black, one white and one khaki. Having trouble with wives in his harem, A sultan once set out to scare 'em He let loose a mouse In the midst of his house- And started the first 'harem scarem'. MORE HOWLERS Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail will kill a man. Cassandra was a god of Pro- phecy, or was that someone else? I think so. Horse-power is the distance a horse can carry a pound of water in an hour. The Mosaic Law orders us to set coloured stones in all our floors. The Kodak is the Bible of the Mohammedans. ' A grass widow is the wife of an extinct vegetarian. Bob: What's the difference be- tween an elephant and a panther? Isobel: I don't know. Bob: Well, an elephant wears a trunk, and panth 'er what I wear. A hard-driving taxi driver ig- nored a red signal, threatened the traffic policemarfs knees, missed the street island by a hair, and grazed a bus, all in one dash. The policeman hailed him, then strolled over to the taxi pulling a big handkerchief from his pocket en route. Listen, cowboy! he growled. On yer way back I'll drop this and see if you can pick it up with yer teeth. Miss Burnett: What was the Charge of the Light Brigade? Barnhart: About a dollar an hour, miss. Bill Carson: What makes your hair so red? Gypsy Fleming: My hair is so wiry that every time I wash it, it rusts. Mr. Waddell: Well Sims, why are you late? Bob Sims: There was a strong North wind blowing, sir. Harold Willis: Waitress, what do you call this anyway, tea or coffee? Waitress: Cln Glebe cafeterialz What does it taste like? Harold Willis: Like Paraflin. Waitress: Then it's tea, the coffee tasts like gasoline. Miss Cowie: Lockhead, where have you been? Lockhead: With Cheney. Miss Cowie: Cheney, where have you been? Cheney: With Lockhead. Miss Cowie: Cslightly riledla Where have you both been? Lockhead and Cheney: Together! Traflic Cop: Use your noodle, lady! Use your noodle! Betty Goodall: My goodness! Where is it? I've pushed and pulled everything in the car. Him: Well, I suppose you're plenty angry because I came home last night with this black eye. I-Ier: Csweetlyjz Not at all, dear. You may not remember it, but when you came home you didn't have that black eye. Mr. Bruce: Cas Miss Alexander has asked her 57th questionlz I think you have asked enough questions this space, Miss Alex- ander, let that be the last one. Cto the classl Be very careful of the Bunsen burners, class, the flame gets very hot. ' Miss Alexander: How hot can a flame get, Mr. Bruce? LUX GLEBANA

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There was a young man of Bel- grave Who lived all alone in a cave, Each morning at nine He plunged into the brine And floated back home on a wave. Miss Laidlaw Cin health classi' Give an example of fattening food. Barbara Sawyer: Peanuts, Miss Laidlaw: How do you know? Barbara: Why, look at the elephant! B. Baird: Ought I to be pun- ished for something I have never done? Mr. Ralph: Of course not. Baird: Cheaving a sigh of reliefl I haven't got my French done. The Seven Stages of Courtship. 1. Miss Margaret so-and-so. 2 . Margaret. 3 . Maggie. 4. Kid. 5. Darlingest. 6. Dear. 7. Hi, you! While learning to shoot in the corps A private looked into the borps Of another man's gun Who partly for fun, Let it off and forgot to shout Forps . You cannot get eggs without hens , said a teacher stressing a point. I know somebody who can, piped a voice from the back. Please explain yourself, said the teacher irritably. He keeps ducks, was Mac- Fold's reply. A NEW RECIPE FOR GLEBE STEVV. A mother asked her first-form son to take down a radio recipe. He did his best, poor boy, but got two stations at once. One was a morning exercise, the other was the recipe. This is what he wrote down. Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on the shoulders, raise knees and depress toes and mix thoroughly in one cup of sour milk. Repeat six times. Inhale quickly one half teaspoonful of baking soda, lower legs and mash two boiled eggs in a seive. Exhale, breathe naturally and sift into a bowl. Attention! Lie flat on the floor and roll the white of an egg backwards and forwards until it comes to the boil. In five minutes remove from heat and rub smartly Page 1 02 ' with a rou h towel. Dress in warm E flannels and serve with fish chips. Miss Muir: Aren't you the same man I gave the biscuits to last week? Tramp: No, Miss, and the doctor says I never will be again. Marilyn: This make of lip- stick is quite popular with the girls. 7Betty: Er. . Do the boys like it. Mr. Shannette: You're the slowest boy I've ever seen. Aren't you quick at anything? Doug. Moon: Yes, sir, no one gets tired as quickly as I do. Mr. Edey: flocking at son's reportj What's the meaning of this? Donald: Yes, Dad, couldn't you sue them for libel? SCHOOLBOY HOWLERS The inhabitants of the Island of Crete are called creatures. Cowhide is very useful in many ways and serves to keep the cow together. Some queer people--William of the Oranges: Cardigan Wolseyg Joan of Arc was Noah's sister. A pawnbroker's sign of the three balls means that it is two to one that you do not get it out again. A monologueis a conversation between two people such as teacher and pupil. A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box. After I wash my face I look in the mirror to see if it's clean. Don't you? Don't have to. I just look at the towel. Wlll1o is belle to-night? asked s e, As they stood on the dance-hall floor. He looked around the room to see, And she spoke to him no more. She Hunked in Latin, failed in French. We heard her sadly hiss, 1'd like to find the guy who said That ignorance is bliss . CURSES AND BLESSINGS Regular and devastating drop- per of bricks-Reputation for refreshing candour. Corn on little toe-Excuse to avoid walk with Cedric. Np ear for music-Don't have to listen to concerts. dFrail finances-Can't be touch- e . Poor conversationalist-Always get more to eat at dinner. Never offered seats in 'buses- Good for the figure to stand. Bushy eyebrows-Adore pluck- ing them. Never recognize a hint-Never feel insulted. Always squeeze toothpaste in middle-Good for toothpaste trade Rarely get invited out-No circles under eyes. Often lose key and enter house by window-Wonderful topic for neighbours' tea parties. Always tell same story to same person-They know when to laugh. Never understand a joke-AL ways mistaken for a perfect lady. Poor opinion of self-Never disappointed in other peop1e's. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. Dear Editor: I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't even do my homework and so I come to you. Please help me. I, am only a first- former and I am possessed with a mad obsession. I yearn to stroke a Fifth-Form Boy's hair. Every day I wait for him to pass. His hair is so beautifully waved and alluringly dampened I can't resist it. What shall I do? He is so superior. YEARNING. Dear Yearning: You must try to control your mania. Try laying out spaghetti in a reasonable facsimile and stroke it tenderly. If this does not work, wait in a dark corner on top of a step ladder and with a special dispensation from Heaven you may be able to reach his lofty brow. My dear Editor: O, we abused first-formers with our trials and tribulations! Some- one ought to write an essay on, Looking at a First Former . The second-formers look down on us. The Third-formers look over us. The fourth-formers look the other way. The fifth-formers don't even look,-they don't know we're there. Alack and alas! QEditor's note-with apologies to Mr. Atkinson for the Limericksl. LUX GLEBANA