NEWS IN BRIEF World News. Dr. Melissa Holton discovers the Moon is made of green cheese. National News. Dr. Joanne Fujii awarded Pul- itzer Prize for autobiography Exodus from Garfield. Local News. Mayor Miriam Kasin of Berke- ley announces that Berkeley will be replaced by a parking lot. Volume 4, IOO ' 4 , No. 157 Priceless GARFOO GARFIELD TIDDLY WINK TEAM TURNS PROFESSIONAL! Berkeley Coach Mari Haight of the Garfield Junior High Tiddly Wink Team an- nounced yesterday that the entire Garfield team had turned profes- sional after their upset victory in the Alameda County finals last month. Coach Haight was sad. Just think, she said in an exclusive in- terview with ace reporter Glen Frendel, the greatest winkers in the history of the game. In answer to the reporter, she further reported that the star wink- er. Miss Connie Richardson, signed with the Rose Street Warriors for a reported salary of three hambur- gers, four boxes of Junior Mints, six boxes of chocolate-covered rais- ins and a package of spiced charms a week. Other team members including Sharon Laviolette, Joanne Fujii, Chris Bogard, Lucy Kerman, and Nancy Bryan were signed by Cookie Stryker of the Indian Rock Rocks for salaries ranging from two frostie freezes per week plus unknown amounts of Double- Bubble gum. THE COOKING CORNER WITH OUR FRENCH CHEF Housewives from all over the country have been sending me re- ceipts. Here are only a few. MARVELOUS MEATLOAF 3 cups finely chopped slugs 5 quarts cat tail juice 2 pounds flamingo gizzards 8 stalks of crabgrass 4 light bulbs (300 watts) Mix slugs, crabgrass and gizzards thorougnly. Stew in cat tail juice for eignt nours. Garnisn with crush- ed ligntbulbs. Serve on a pie plate, steaming hot. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SPACE FOR SALE: CONTACT JOHN GLENN Dear Gwen Dear Gwen: My mommy thinks that I ' m too young to wear knickers to school and I hate short pants. —23 and Getting Older Dear 23 and Getting Older: I think your mommy is right. Knickers aren ' t in style, anyway. Dear Gwen: My girlfriend thinks that she has broken a world record by going steady with 20 boys in one week. Can you confirm this? — Number 21 Dear Number 21: No. When I was her age I went with 25 boys in one week. Dear Gwen: I ' m flunking math. Dad says that if I do, I don ' t get to buy a Super Dooper Skater-roo Skate Board. HELP! F Dear F: Appeal to your math teacher. Otherwise get yourself a copy of the answers. Dear Gwen: This certain boy walks with me every day between English and math. No matter what I do, I can ' t shake him. What can I do? — Desperate Dear Desperate: If you really must shake him, try an osterizer . . . MR. MARK PILIAVIN TESTS NEW SANDWICH North Pole, June 16 — Mr. Mark Piliavin has just announced that the new Eskimo pies are better than ever. The noted food taster for World Crispy Crunchy Corporation was educated at Garfield Junior High School in Berkeley, Califor- nia. When asked recently how he entered the food tasting business, he said, I developed my remark- able abilities in my old English class instead of doing my spelling! Freddy F.S.M. COMES TO GARFIELD Berkeley Dr. Mona L. Williams, Miss Shar- on Shelton, Miss Patricia Watson and Miss Pat Holmes, the Executive Committee of the Fried Sauerkraut Movement (F.S.M.) have come to Garfield to sponsor the world-wide movement to eat more fried sauer- kraut for lunch. In an exclusive interview with our daring, enterprising reporter, Miss Jennifer Young, the Commit- tee confessed that many students lacked enthusiasm. In the words of the distinguished Committee: Many still are eating, if you ' ll par- don the expression, hamburgers. GARFIELD RECORDS FALL! Berkeley Event winners in the annual Gar field track and field meet are as follows: Michael Beil — Paper Throw Henry Clayton — Paper Crumble Diane Duckett — Unlimited Gum Chew Valerie Merkle — Limited Gum Chew Terry Taylor — Loudest Hall Noise Dayne Coleman — Loudest Class Noise Alex Sherriffs — Lunch Dash Kenneth Carter— Pencil Sharpen Victor Smith — Stair Skip
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