Fitchburg High School - Boulder Yearbook (Fitchburg, MA)

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Home.” Imagine m bewilderment when my old friend Crete Kenney opened the door. I was just about to walk in and make myself at home when Crete gave one of her famous screams and hastily disa])peared. Thinking that it was an asylum for lunatics instead of a home for old ladies, I turned to go, but in glancing up at the windows I was shocked to see Misses Beer, Shea, Hol- brook, Carlson, Cutting and Cate, all smiling sweetly. I started on a dead run for the town. Not for mine! On approaching the town I met many of my classmates, who all stared at me blankly, but as none recognized me I kept still and steered for a sign which read, “Briggs’ Barber Shop.” In I went and dropped into the first ehair, over which Briggs himself, in spotless linen, wielded his tonsorial implements. One of the bystanders, who was smoking a T. D. pipe, I recognized as George O’Brien. “How does it happen that you are smoking, George?” I asked. “Well, you see,” he replied, the corners of his mouth fast approaching his ears, “Briggs’ perfumes are somewhat counter- acted by the tobacco fumes.” Briggs, however, had a fine shop, with a number of chairs, around which McDonald and Sawyer were working. As the chair of the latter was near me, I noticed that Carl was not mis- named, for the man who arose from the chair had quite a piece missing from his left ear. Going out, I awoke to the fact that my clothes were all in rags, having been badly torn by the explosion. It did not take me long to head for Fairbanks’ Big Department Store, which oc- cupied the whole of the next block. In the clothing department Greenwood was behind the counter and it did not take him long to suit me. I reached down into my pocket and dug up a piece of gold which I had whittled from the wall of the city of Pro- metheus and tendered it to him in payment. “Greeny” phoned for the proprietor, Fairbanks, who, when he saw the gold, in- formed me that down here gold, being very scarce, was raised in value a thousand times, and congratulated me upon being a mil- lionaire. I saw a great many familiar faces behind the counters, among whom “Bill” pointed out Misses Beauregard, Babbitt, Kelly, Lewis, Leonard, Ewen and Coughlin. The store was crowded, and even in the dry goods department all were not lady shoppers, although “Dinky” Hartwell came in and called 19

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rcct liiiii w. ' innly, l)ut lie held me off at arni’vS length and slowly and with great dignity informed me that I eould not he admitted to the eity, hut that I must return to earth and eomplete m3 ' work there first. I asked where m3 ' elassmates were, and he explained to me that the3 ' , being helow the eenter of the explo- sion, had heen blown half way through the earth, and that I, being above, had shot upward to Prometheus. Furthermore, he stated that if I should jum]3 off the eloud at a ])oint just opposite the gate. I would fall direetlv into the midst of my classmates, but that the fall would consume a ])eriod of twenty years. He then strode slowly back into the city and the gates moved together, leaving me well-nigh distracted. After careful delibera- tion, I decided that I should ]3refer to rejoin m3 ' classmates rather than to remain an outcast on the edge of this marvelous city. 1 walked to the edge of the cloud, when my nerve failed me. Sud- denl3 ' Patch’s earthly motto, “Nothing but crust,” entered mv mind and, shutting my eyes, I leaped wildly into the void. Thus commenced my drop of twenty years. Slowly, very slowly, the tiny point toward which I had been falling for nineteen 3 ears grew larger and larger, assuming the shape of a ball which gradually expanded until its outline was lost in the haze; then, as if by magic, mountains, rivers and cities sprang up below me bewilderingly, and I realized that I was fast approaching the earth. I had just prepared myself to resist the shock of landing, when — whiz — blank — ! I had passed directly through the earth’s crust and was dropping towards a eity which seemed to be located in the eenter of the earth. With a splash I struck a swamp on the outskirts of the town and as soon as I recovered my breath I began to yell lustil3 for help. Before long a couple of farmers passed driving a few obsti- nate pigs, and when they saw 1113 plight they hurried to extricate me from the mud. Although their faces seemed familiar, I could not place them until after they had disappeared around a curve in the road, and then it dawned upon my bemuddled brain that these “rubes” were my former classmates Dempsey and McManus, and that I was near the town where the High Potentate had told me I should find the long-lost class of 1906 . As I was very hungry, having eaten nothing but congealed ether waves for twenty 3 ' ears, I stopped at the first house, a large brick structure, over the door of which was the sign, “Old Ladies’ 18

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for hairpins at the novelty counter, over wliieh Miss Ileaure anl presided. Hy this time iny nerves were almost nnstrun trom the nmisnal excitement, so I made up my mind to pass the even- ing- at the theater. I arrived during the middle of the first aet, and while perusing- the ])ro ram, which had “Curtis’ Theater” in larg e tvi)e at the head, I noticed that the ])erformance, “The In- noeent Maids,” was under the ])ersonal supervision of Curtis himself. The Caiety Girls sang several of the latest song hits, among which were “ MeCarthy’s Great Home Run,” and ])aro- dies upon the “ Red and Gray.” I complimented the management on being so lueky as to secure such a dazzling bunch of beauties. Here they are: Gaiety Girls — Misses McNamara, Blanchard, Bigelow, Spread- bury, Leahy and Nash, with Miss Murphy as leading lad The next was a little skit entitled “When We Were Twenty- Three.” The following were billed here: Misses Babb (soloist), McKcnne} Nutting, Walsh, Wilkins, Mossman, and Farwell (come- dian). The article on the ])rogram said, “The luimes are enough.” Sure enough they were! At the end of the act the ])ieture ma ' chine started u]). The title of the film was “A Comedy of Er- rors.” The machine whirred, but all that appeared upon the screen was a few stars. These gradually resolved into what seemed to be l)all players. Yes! They were several members of the F. H. S. ball nine of 1906 playing that memorable game with Gardner; the stars that stood out the most prominently were Murphy, t he Midget, Wyman the Giant, and Ford the Fat. It was rightly named “The Comedy of Errors.” This was too mueh. The memory of that inglorious game caused the tears to flow copiously, and I arose and went out, noting as I left that DesRivieres still had the nerve to manage the machine. Upon inquiring for the best hotel in the place, a boy informed me that the Wilder House was the one I wanted. On arriving, the night clerk. Manning, assigned me to Room 13 and tapped the bell. Immediately the “bell hopper” came gliding in and led me to my room. I handed him a ten-dollar note for a tip. “Tanks,” he said, “but you’se oughter make it thirteen to break the hoodoo.” I then knew that he was none other than Ker- shaw, always looking for a little more. It astonished me, I ad- mit, for I expected to see “Bug” nothing less than a Standard Oil magnate. Surprises like this had wearied me and sleep soon 20