Everett High School - Crimson Tide / Memories Yearbook (Everett, MA)

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28 1920 ECHO Eiteranj THE SIEGE OF BOSTON (1775 B. C.) By Albert J. Baader Note: (In this demented article I shall endeavor to outline for your benefit a deliberate falsification of the recent ginormous and engantic struggle for the city of (Boston.) T was on a Saturday night that the huge British fleet of eight ships struggled up the swift flowing Charles River, under the command of Sir Stonewall Jackson. It tied up to the lilypads in midstream, the com¬ mander having forgotten the anchors for his fleet. The next day the Americans under Abraham Washington gathered along Atlantic Ave., to fight until the last drop of blood. The British commander sent a message to Washington stating that he wouldn’t attack until the next day because his men would have to have their corns shaved before they could walk. Washington then placed his men in flivvers and took them to the Or- pheum for the afternoon. There they met Gen. Pitcairn and Gen. Foch, both American Patriots. When they came out of the show they found that the enemy had sent over a barrage of water shells, so Washington had to send for boats to ferry his army across Washington street. He then took to the subway and escaped to Boylston street where he went into quarters for the night in the Little building. During the night the Gen. had some gas generators of several varieties of cheese set up on ' the summit of Bunker Hill, which the wind blew to the enemy. The fumes were so strong that the enemy ships broke away from their moorings and drifted out to sea in the search for pure atmosphere. The next morning the British found themselves floating about in the wide expanse of Dorchester Bay. The Gen¬ eral of the Biritish fleet ordered his ships to turn their Jazz Bands on the city and blast it with noise. Then came the last and most im¬ portant battle, that of Bunker Hill. Gen. Washington sent word to his home that he was besieged and asked if his better third would send him a change of socks, some Pluto water, a box of lice exterminator, a plug ot B. L. and his old rose night cap. He then retired to Bunker Hill. The Mayor of Boston sent Washington a cart-load of his moral support and wished him the worst of luck. The British then moved to the at¬ tack. Washington sent up soap bub¬ bles into the air and by looking at them carefully, he could see mirrored on their surface the acts of the enemy. The British leader, Gen. Pluto of the Physic Brigade, led -the attack. He sent a battery of fords ahead, but they got stuck half way up and backed down so fast that they killed 100 of the British. The second attack failed as badly as had the first, for at the moment of the attack, his men heard the Jazz music from Roughans hall a little way off, and half of the men deserted on the dead run for Boston’s famous Jazz center. The minute men from Lexington then were found to be under the influence of hops, and Gen. Washington tele¬ phoned the City Square police sta¬ tion and had the Paddy Wagon take the discomforted contingent from Lexington to the lock up. The Ameri¬ cans made the next move, a brave lad from the Concord regiment com-

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LeRoy J. Kelley President

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1920 ECHO 29 pletely surrounded an enemy patrol and brought them in with their feet held high in the air. The American submarine fleet under Lieut.-Col. Fish, came upon the scene and destroyed the whole entire British fleet and then came to within 400 yards of the shore, but could not anchor because they had no anchors, so they sent a man from each Submarine over the side in a diving suit with a pipe and tobacco, to sit on a stone at the bot¬ tom of the harbor and hold a rope at¬ tached to the submarine. Then came the last attack. The British said that if the men would capture the iHiill this time, they could all go clamming afterwards, so the men filled their bullets with guns, stuck their bayonets through their tall hats and sauntered up the Hill towards the American lines. Half way up they ,sat down to rest, and took out their cigarettes to have a last smoke. The fire r of the Ameri¬ cans was so hot that they didn’t need any matches to light their cigarets, some even took off their shirts they were sweating so much. The Ameri¬ cans then turned a lot of water down the hill to make the British slip back¬ wards. This plan was so successful that the British had to send for some ice to freeze the water on the hill. Then the British put on their skates and tried to skate up the hill. They got part way but the hill was too steep for them and they came down the hill so fast that some of them went sliding into the water. These men joined the Americans in the bot¬ tom of the Harbor for a short smoke, before going back to their lines. The British then sent men to rob the citi¬ zens of all the clothes poles they could find. When they came back, they made stilts out of them and put spikes on the bottoms to prevent slip¬ ping. Then they started up the hill They didn’t lose a man for the Ameri¬ cans shot so low that the bullets went between the stilt poles. The Americans sent out a party to try to saw the wooden stilts m two, but they were repulsed by their own men who didn’t want their wives’ clothes poles sawed in two. The British took the hill. Washington then crossed the Delaware into Waltham, and from there he made his way by boat to Chicago, thence to his home at Mt. Vernon, where he had an enormous clam-bake for his victorious army of the Potomac,, THE MIDNIGHT MARAUDER By Albert J. Baader T was a still moonlight night in midsummer. I had re¬ tired early, and fell asleep at once. Of a sudden, a shrill and peculiar sound pierced my slumbers and I sat up awake in an instant, aware that something was wrong. The moon¬ light flooded my room and made it as day, and I looked about, but it was quiet. I laid myself down and was dozing peacefully off once more, contenting myself that I had been dreaming, when again came the weird and uncanny noise, rousing me in a flash and sending small chills in a Jazz step up and down my spinal col¬ umn. A distant church clock tolled the hour of three. It was the hour when graveyards yawn and give up their dead. It was the hour when unearthly shapes move silently through our dreams, warning mortals against late hours and heavy suppers. But this was something sinister and real, —something I felt with me in the room, yet could not see. I must meet it like a man. Again I heard the noise, this time near at hand; it seemed behind the heavy portieres at the door. Holding my ‘breath, I put one foot