Denison University - Adytum Yearbook (Granville, OH)

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IT is a fact the world in general knows that the raison d ' ctre of Denison Profs is twofold: to be smeared, and to get their names in The Adytum. Inasmuch as they always spurn our assistance in the accomplishment of the former of the altruistic designs for which they have been created, we take special pleasure in effectuating the latter. Hence this treatise. If our blithsome and sprightly Prof Kibby were to have his hair trimmed at the tonsorial parlors, the artist would probably begin at the bottom and work up. How the analogy between Dr. AIcKibben ' s back hair and any treatise explain- ing a picture of the Denison Faculty is so marked that we shall in the present case begin at the bottom and work up. The pose which Prof Kibby has taken in the accompanying cut is very characteristic of him. It is generally believed that he assumes it not only to kill serpents but also to scare away sober and serious thoughts and that this accounts for his accustomed levity and glee. An eminent critic has remarked that the accompanying portrait of Pro- fessor Williams resembles a cross between Don Quixote and the Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur ' s Court. It is easily understood why he is charging with a pen if we consider that he believes the pen is mightier than the sword. Otherwise he would have armed himself with a sword when he was locked down cellar. But he knew a sword would be powerless to release him from such a uxorial prison. Gill and Dick are here shown at their best. In Dr. Colwell ' s case, how- ever, there must be some mistake, for Uncle Dick is surely always at his best and he spends too much time exercising both his merry sides and his healthy vocal cords to be able to buffet the buoyant globule all the time. But that Professor Gilpatrick is at his best when playing ball is a foregone conclusion. Trulv, we are sore afraid lest in the dim and distant future instead of seeing the name Gilpatrick engraved among the heavenly constellations, we shall find it rather heading a list of baseball stars on the sporting page of the Chicago American. Now we humbly suggest that, in view of his superiority at the bat, he substitute baseball for archery in making out his grades, and knock up flies at his target. We believe it would be an improvement over the old systern. As a polo-player Prof. Johnny is unexcelled. (This follows because he is unexcelled at everything else he undertakes.) And he is not without illustrious precedent in riding a pony, for such great men as Theo. Roosevelt and Warren Roberts have ridden ponies in their day. Coons, the Treasurer of the Triumvirate of Topspinners, is commonly sus- pected of being in love. This is sufficient to warrant us in passing him by. What a noble character is hidden behind the classic countenance of Herr Spiegelberger ! Did ever a more inspiring specimen of manhood (except Pinkey Marsh ) set foot on our sacred campus? Of what a different stripe is Wood- ward ! For actually, just before entering Denison, at the enlightened age of nine, our handsome young hopeful descended so far towards the depths of degradation as to smoke one whole corn-silk cigarette! But he may improve with age. , Those odd-looking Belgian Hares are perfectly docile and will not bite. This is because they have been fed so many jokes about rabbits that they have indigestion. Prexy comes last but far from least. His dressm.aker positively refuses to publish his linear dimensions. But since he is valued at $8.75 and the market price per lb. is zV c, he must weigh about 250 lbs. Amen. 14

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. ■ AlJli SN.:rn. It is vyith sincere regret that we omit a portrait of Prof. Roberts, but it is absolutely impossible to reduce his head to a size which would permit us to place it on this page. Were it not for the fact that his feet might be mistaken for VanAllen ' s, one would have substituted them for his countenance. 13

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