Delta Secondary School - Lampadion Yearbook (Hamilton, Ontario Canada)

Page 106 text:

Jean: My dates are just pouring in. Joan: So are mine. Drip by drip. A man rushed into a psychiatrist ' s office, tore open a cigarette, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. Wow! said the doctor. I can see you really need me. I sure do, said the man . Have you got a light? Auctioneer: What am I offered for this beautiful bust of Robert Burns? Man in the crowd: That ain ' t Robert Burns, That ' s Shakespeare. Auctioneer: Well, folks, the joke ' s on me. That shows what I know about music. A class was told to write a story with an unexpected ending. The highest grade was given to the one who wrote: Will you marry me? he asked. No, she answered. And they lived happily ever after. You can never tell about men, the sophisticated miss advised her younger sister. Either they ' re so slow you want to scream, or they ' re so fast that you have too. Auctioneer: Sold to the lady with her husband ' s hand over her mouth. I Boyfriend: Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a filet mignon ' Girlfriend: No, I don ' t. Boyfriend: Hey waiter, bring us two hamburgers. The tailor who cuts out the girls ' bathing suits ought to be placed in charge of the government budget. Have you considered acting? like a human being!

Page 105 text:

The drunk who was pulled into the police station, was indignant. What I want to know, he queried, is what I was brought in for? You were brought in for drinking, said the sergeant. Well, that ' s different, said the drunk. When do we get started? A lawyer got a frantic wire from one of his clients . I ' m in prison, said the wire. They ' ve shaved my head, cut a slit in my trouser leg and rolled up my sleeves. Please advise. Don ' t sit down, the lawyer wired back. Boy: I ' m looking for a pretty girl. Girl: Well I ' m here. Boy: Great, you can help me look. Mr. Cunningham: Savchuk, what ' s the name of this liquid? Savchuk: Gee sir, it ' s right on the tip of my tongue. Mr. Cunningham: Well you ' d better get it off; it ' s sulfuric acid. Warden to a prisoner in the electric chair: Is there anything I can do? ' Prisoner: Yeh, hold my hand. Mr. Ward: Why did you take up piano? Barry: My glass kept falling off my sax. English Teacher: I have come to bury Caesar. Not to praise him. Pupil: Shut up and keep digging. John S. Did I meet you in South Hampton? Murray D. No, I never was to South Hampton. John Neither was I. It must have been two other fellows. Prosecutor: Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow Defendant: I didn ' t want to wake the children.

Page 107 text:

You there, at the back of the room, who wrote Julius Caesar? Voice: I dunno Teacher: Well then who wrote Tennyson ' s Lady of Shalott? Voice: I dunno • Teacher: This work was to be prepared last night. What were you doing then? Voice: I was out drinking beer with friends. Teacher: You mean y ou have the nerve to say that ? What are you doing in school anyway? Voice: I came here to fix the radiator. One of the failingest men who ever lived was always trying experiments that were unsuccessful. Yet we never think oi Thomas Edison as a failure. Does anyone aboard this submarine know how to pray? I do. Good. You pray. The rest of us will put on escape lungs. We ' re short one. Ad in the local paper: For sale, cheap: my son ' s collection of rock-and- roll records. If a fourteen year old ' s voice answers the phone hang up and call back later. Are you happy in the Army? Yes sir. What were you before you were drafted? Much happier, sir You have given me something to live for .... revenge. Life begins at forty - to tell us what a mess we made of things.