Delaware Valley College - Cornucopia Yearbook (Doylestown, PA)

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THE CLEANER 19 Isaac Becker, sounded strange- ly familiar to me. We entered into a conversa- tion, and when he learned that I had just arrived, he enthusias- tically cried out, Did you hear what Dr. Schuffman went and done? Before I could answer, he continued in a rising voice, Wal, he and I were classmates together at Farm School, and I always thought Schuff knew a lot about manure and chemistry. He andl studied the number of microcriths of the given sub- stance is to the number of mi- crocriths of the required sub- stance, so is the actual weight of the given substance to the ac- tual weight of the required sub- stance in the chemistry class together. Before I could dis- close my identity, he entered in- to an account of his life history, speaking with so much enthus- iasm and volubility, that I could- n't help being interested. After he had exhausted himself, I im- mediately took the opportunity to make myself known to him. When the usual handshaking and hugging had subsided, I dc- manded an explanation of how he had changed from a ninety- eight pounder to the two hun- dred pounder he now appeared to be. He laughingly replied, Simple Haven't you ever heard of Doc. Levitch's 'Pink Pills for Pale People'? I came across it a few years ago and it has done wonders for me. By the way, you remember Levitch, don't you? Levitch, sure I do, I answer- ed. He was President of the class and w o r k e d his way through the school by manufac- turing 'Aunt Hetty's Do or Die Pills', at two cents a thousand. Remember we nearly killed him for it, too? You mean, he nearly killed us, Becker replied. Well, any- how, he grauated from the Cam- den Veterinary C o ll e g e the first in his class and obtained a special degree of Q. D. tQuaCk Doctorj. After practicing sev- eral years on horses, and having done away with the few that the war had spared ,he placed these unusual qualities at the disposal of man. He directed his ener- gies at first to the heckers of Bucks county, but couldn't stand the keen competition of old Doc Murphyg so he betook himself to Cincinnati, where his fame not having preceded him, he does a flourishing busi- ness as a doctor and undertak- er. His patent cures, especial- ly his Pink Pills for Pale Peo- ple and Lydia Linkham's Liver Lotion made him infamously rich in a short time. Our conversation now turned to old times and when he inquir- ed whether I had as yet visited Farm School and commented upon the changes which had oc- Q

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18 took my way back to New York by way of the Army Translantic Aeroplane Service. You can imagine the emotions which surged through me when we flew over the Statue of Lib- erty and landed at the Battery. As I walked through the streets of New York, curiously observ- ing the changes which had been wrought during my absence, I was sudenly startled by a cry of Wuxtra! W u x t r a I Dr. Schuffman's discovery will end the war. Wuxtra! Together with the excited passersby I bought a newspaper for 25 cents, that being the prevailing price of daily Journals at that time, and in glaring headlines I read what was soon to be the universal topic on every one's tongue: END OF WAR IN SIGHT 23 Year's War Expected to be Ended by Dr. Schuffman's Discovery From a hasty perusal of the paper I learned that Uncle Sam's Chemist , as the papers termed him, had invented a ma- chine from which, by simple electrical controls, could be is- sued hurled lightning over the broad expanse of the battlefields and completely obliterate huge armies in a few seconds. VVhen the Manure Reserve Corps had been organized, Schuffman had offered his services as an expert, no doubt because of his broad knowledge of the subject, which he had acquired during his three year's stay at the National Farm School. Because of his huge expeitlence, his offer was inr- . THE GLEANER appointed chief of the depart- ment by President Aidman, re- sulting in his wonderful inven- tion. By the way, President Aidman had been elected to his oftice about a year ago on the Social- ist platform. As he had also been a member of my class at Farm School, I deeply regretted the incident which occurred sev- eral months later. He issued a manifesto, in which he depre- ciated the present style of wom- ents dress, or undress as he call- ed it, and pleaded for a return to the demure and quaint fash- ion of dr e ss which existed among the women of 1918. For this an indignant attack was led against him by the women element of Congress, which shortly resulted in his impeach- ment, as they were decidedly in the majority in both Houses. Still elated over my discovery of what my old friend Schuff- man had done for the world, I wended my way to the Hotel Morebills, where I expected to spend the night. Just at the entrance was a large electrical sign, Welcome! American Con- federation of- Patriotic Farm- ers? In the lobby were several score of men separated into groups, busily engaged in talk- ing about more tractors-more bathtubs - more babies. All were stylishly dressed, and their clothes and general manner pro- claimed them as being prosper- ous. The desk clerk introduced me to the President of the con- vention, a middle-aged and fair complexioned man, rather tall mediately accepted, and he was a n d stout, whose n a m e

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20 THE GLEANER curred, I decided to make a trip there the next day, In the morning I hastened to catch my train, which though due to arrive at Farm School at 9.20 A. M., was only three-quar- ters of an hour late--as usual. Unconsciously, I made sure to get off on the right side, and not on the other, where I once slid down the nursery embankment just 23 years ago. What a striking picture now presented itself to my view. As far as the eye could see, there stretched before me about three thousand acres of verdant soil. scores of beautiful buildings proudly stood, surrounded by acres and acres of golden corn and iields of waving rye. As I was standing there, enjoying the beauty of it all, my thoughts were rudely .interrupted by a honk-honk in the distance. As the auto drew near, I noticed that it bore a strange resem- blance to some machine I had seen before. Further thought brought to me the memory of a second-hand Buick, in which one of our instructors had proudly sailed along the Farm School roads, way back in 1917 Judging from its appearance it probably had been in storage nearly all this time, due, no doubt, to the dearth of gasoline. It looked exactly as I had last seen it, except for one minor, unimportant detail - the hind wheels had been replaced by two iron ones from the old spray en- gine. 5 The car finally stopped, after a few wheezes of its own and some imprecations on the part of its occupant, whom I' immed- iately recognized as Director Ostrolenk, in spite of his aged appearance. As I helped him alight from his antique, the sun made a glaring spot as it shone upon his bald head. He stared sharply at me for a few minutes, and then burst into a How is my friend Kunis? We there- upon entered into a conversa- tion, during which I remarked on the a n c i e n t pushmobile. Oh',' he smilingly replied, I've had it in storage ever since it was presented to me, until the discovery of compressed hot air as a power for motor vehic- les made it possible for me to use it again. I'm holding on to it until there is a rise in the price of junk. He proceeded to inform me of the wonderful improvements that had been made and proud- ly boasted of his eight-hundred students, of which fully three were boys, and the rest girls. I soon became acquainted with the fact that he had obtained his Ph. D. on the publication of his two powerful and timely books, entitled The Use and Abuse of Muskrat Milk and Polygamy --The Solution to the Decreas- ing Birth-rate. In view of the composition of the student body, I was not at all surprised when he informed nie that Harry Fishman, an old classmate of mine, was the gov-