Delaware Valley College - Cornucopia Yearbook (Doylestown, PA)

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THE GLEANER 19 manners are such as to act like a magnet toward the fair sex, be allowed permission to have a bevy of beautiful damsels while at work. In witness whereof, we, the undersigned, do hereby swear and declare this to be our last will and testament. ...i l. PROPHECY BY GoLUB and DRUCKERMANX The year 1925 found me in wretched condition, and I was re- duced to wend my way for a meal in a cheap restaurant. The food served to me was rather delicious. An aroma of peculiar and far- reaching, sweet-scented odor dif- fused itself. It was a great tempta- tion to me, and I devoured it raven- ously. And,'1o and behold! I fell into a swoon, and I conceived a visio-n. A crowd of people were surg- ing and moving and an angry hum arose from their midst. There stood a man whose lengthy and windy sermon seemed to cause the disturbance. I was stupefied to be- hold my staunch classmate, Benja- min Smith, arguing for Mr. Nathan Golub, the people's choice, who would- give careful consideration to their demands, running on the workmen's party. The Social Bomb Throwing League. I want- ed to get up and speak for him. too. but just then the speaker descend- ed. and a partisan introduced Mr. Golub, the candidate for Congress. The speaker, after many haws and hems. bowed to the crowd and began the onslaught, Our party will light to obtain free rides for downtrodden mil- lionaires, beer for all true Prohibi- ' lielivereil by Benjamin Smith. tionists and jobs for all that were never out of work. This was vigorously applauded. Then Mr. Smith, with a beaming counte- nance, capitalized at S50,000, spoke. My fellow-sufferers, friends and voters: It is not for my bene- fit, but for your own, that I ask you to vote for the candidate. But he was suddenly interrupted by a seedy-looking fellow who seemed tobe on the outs. I ain't going to have a bomber elected. It was Deacon Jacson, a true friend of mine, who defied rum, and the result now appeared. From a pious young man to this type was not what I expected. A mist settled around this scene and gradually a panorama of a beautiful country unfolded, in which the following blotch on the landscape appeared: :X long-legged. lean. hungry-looking individual slowly bent his way towards a barn. with a revolver in one hand and a milk pail in the other. IIe seemed to be saying, By heck. if I don't get you by gentle'argumentation. this will, hossief' and gently pat- ting his revolver. It was poor hecker, I.ou Goldberg. .X sporty. well-dressed man approached him. exclaiming: flow are you? lIow is the XX'CZllllk'l'? By the wav. I

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20 THE GLEANER have the first genuine jeans pro- tector on the market. It saves elbow greasef' Here he produced a card which read, Clarence Koshowskyf' The scene has shifted again, I was now in a factory of artificial limbs. Busily engaged over a ma- chine, pulling a leg to and fro and carefully refraining from getting a splinter in his hands, was Solomon Adler. Near him, besmeared- and greasy, stood a man turning on a lathe slippery eel skins. He was an expert in handling slick and slip- pery stuff. You could see it by the way he handled those skinsg oh, yes! It was Arthur Camen. This scene suddenly changed, and in its place was revealed an office of uncomfortably large size, where beside numerous desks many women were engaged in typewriting. On one of the sheets I read the following: Sol Donchi, Matrimonial Engi- neer and Love Chemist. VVe guar- antee results. t Near it lay an open letter, and I read it: I am a poor, lonely bachelor: have a farm of 60 acres. I want a wife to help me weed onions. pitch hay and shred fodder. If you get me one to meet the requirements, I will pay liberally. Yours sincerely, joseph Z, llruckerinanf' .Nnotber open feminine hand- written letter l was tempted to read : Dear l,ove C'hemist: I am deeply cbagrincd at my lovely wife. She refuses to listen or hear me talk. She claims it sounds too much like a buzzing saw. Yours truly, 'fSamue1 Erdef' My senses here were a little shaken, and thus I went on, A greenhouse slowly took shape, and on it a large sign with golden let- ters bore this inscription: Mor- decai Kasselman, expert trimmer. We trim you painlessly. All fu- neral designs guaranteed to accom- pany deceased on the other side free of charge. Near this mag- nihcent house stood a ramshackle, shabby-looking building, with a lit- tle plate on the door and this in- scription: Confounded and Con- fusion Bulb House. Our bulbs never blight, rot norigrow. Buy once and you never forget us. Abe Radlerf' In a newspaper that I picked up there I came across a heading: Budding scientist dis- covers how to make fleas multiply profusely without much trouble. Professor Malloy, after many years of study, has found one of the re- markable discoveries of the age. It then gave his life history, wife and chil'lren, etc. .Xnother advertise- ment read: Trust Shapiro! Honey loaned on very easy terms, l0 2. Sepa- rate entrance for ladies. Hur pawnbrol4cr's tickets are incognitof' Near it was another ad: VVilliani l.aurie Reid, teacher domestic science. XVe teach young men and women to subsist on deli- catesscn and ready-made foods. Newly weds given special treat- ment, lfull course, two weeks. lint the measure of my surprise was not full yet, and I beheld an-