Davidson College - Quips and Cranks Yearbook (Davidson, NC)

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The matter was laid before the Assembly on the last Tuesday berbre exams. , and none of those who were in the immediate vicinity of that meeting will ever forget it. Long John was the last one to enter the council hall. Upon his arrival, he found Henry Louis reading The Uses of Hyperbole ; Wooley was regaling himself with choice editorials from The Home and Farm ; Tommie was read- ing some Fresh, essays on Shakespeare ; Bill Joe was inventing an infernal machine with which to wreck the Sophs, on exams. ; Dickie was tabulating a few more of his favorite Greek verbs ; Puss was contriving a scheme by which he would be able to get even with a villain who had cheated him out of thirty cents in a horse trade ; Handsome Jim was looking cute ; and the Stoker was meditating on the past. Evidently the au.spices were not favorable to Long John ' s project. However, after the usual business had been disposed of. Long John arose and said: Brethren of the Assembly : I wish to introduce a scheme which if car- ried out. will revolutionize the history of David.son College. Yea, it will make this part of the mundane sphere as pleasant as working quadratics. The old walls of yon College which have heretofore resounded only with the shriek of the fleeing Fresh. , and the hoarse yell of the exulting Soph. , will echo to the siren voices of (mer)maids, and our campus will blossom with Eden ' s fairest flower. I refer, gentlemen, to the introduction of the Co-ed. system in our institution. When Long John had finished there was a moment of deep and awful silence, broken at length by Wooley ' s inveterate Waugh ! Henry Louis thereupon informed Long John that his little gag wouldn ' t work, and that the campus needn ' t blo,ssom at all if it didn ' t wish to, and that (mer)maids were hoaxes, anyway. Long John swore a great, deep, far-sounding oath, and asked Henry Louis if he meant to snow his project under without its being voted upon. Upon leceiv- ing an answer in the affirmative, he lifted up his voice, and the stillness of that May afternoon was broken by a most unearthly yell, such as mortals but once in a lifetime would hear and live. It was Long John ' s war-whoop. Half a mile away strong men heard that whoop and trembled, while women fainted. The Fresh, and other rodents fled in terror. The Sophs, took refuge under the Col- lege and in otlier strongholds, while he upper classmen conjectured that it was the fog-horn of the ship that never returned. Within tlic council hall the confusion was still greater. At the first .sound of that awful voice, Dickie dived under the table, followed by Tommie ; Wooley disappeared in the register; Henry Louis and Bill Joe lan over each other in a mad scramble for the door; Handsome Jim worked his shunt circuit ru. e and got to his room without the loss of either his good looks or glasses ; the Stoker only possessed presence of mind enough to jump through the window.

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The Lost Issvc. To those who were acquainted with Long John, it was evident that there was something up. His adamantine disposition seemed to be undergoing a complete change. This process could easily be traced in his bearing toward those with whom he came in contact. For in.stance, it was reported that he lifted his hat to .some Freshies who were making frog-houses in the sand, and gave them some valuable hints on modern architecture. More than this, it was reported, and that too on pretty good authority, that he entered into a conversation with some of the upper classmen which lasted for five entire minutes. Besides, he had been known to crack several meaningless jokes in the Math. room. But when exams, came on and he didn ' t throw but a little over five-eighths of the class, the entire student body wilted from sheer astoni.shment. Mysterious, however, as were his actions towards the student body, they were still more so towards the Faculty. It was known for a fact that he milked Dickie ' s cows twice. He also agreed to prove some of Henry Louis ' s .statements, which task required the labor of days and nights and a manipulation of figures quite as shadowy as the statements themselves. Moreover, he helped Bill Joe patch up the Atomic Theory so that it might stand handling for another year without danger of explosion. For one whole day he hauled away sawdust from Wooley ' s sawmill absolutely free of charge. More than this, he gave Tommie, Jr., a rattle and teething-ring all in one, with Made in Germany stamped on it in red letters. Old Puss received the latest edition of Drummers ' Yarns, and Hand,some Jim received three sticks of .striped candy, while the Stoker was made the happy possessor of Long John ' s treatise on How to Cut Prayers. Of course, something waswrong with I ong John ; but what was it ? Some said that he must be going to die ; others, that he was .seriously contemplating matrimony. But the wisest merely shook their heads and waited for time to tell. When the curiosity of the gullible Faculty and .students had reached its high- est pitch, it leaked out somehow that Long John was ru.shing the Co-ed. move- ment and that it was his intention to pull the Faculty straight and then work the Trustees. When this simple little plan came to light, people were surpri.sed that Long John hadn ' t done more wire-pulling.

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Puss, strange to say, instead of running, remained behind to try the effect of moral persuasion on Long John. Failing in this attempt to quiet the promoter of Utopian scliemes, he began to bombard Long John ' s distorted features with paper-weights, inkstands, and other articles of furniture. This produced the desired result. The disturber of the Assembly ' s order and dignitj ' was made to sign a most ignominious peace bond, after which he retired to his room and com- muned with himself, in wrath meditating revenge. Old Pu.ss, towering over the wreck of the council hall, murmured softh- to himself : ' eni, vidi, vici. About two weeks later, there was a meeting of the Assembly about two miles from town, under the starry vaults of heaven. It is needless to say that Long John wasn ' t invited to this council. The object of this guarded meeting was to devise ways and means by which to pacify Long John. After much subdued argument it was decided that Long John ' s salary be increased ninty cents per month, and that he be allowed a monthly bonus of two packs of Duke ' s Mixture, with paper, and one pack of Wall Wah ' ' This speedily effected the desired reconciliation, and once more the dove of peace spreads her spotless wings over the council hall of the Davidson Faculty. v t tH ;tl ' k ' fTERlAaTH