Coquille High School - Laurel Yearbook (Coquille, OR)

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THE EDISON REGULATOR I went to call on my friend, Mr. Edison, the other day. I’m sure you have all heard of him on account of his inventions. I consider Mr. Edison as one of our really great men, for not only is he posted on matters appertaining to the mechanical world, but he really has some very intelligent ideas on almost anything you might happen to mention. I was working on my new theory of economic reform and thought I might as well sound him on the subject. I found him very much engrossed in an electrical apparatus he was adjusting, but he left it immediately and greeted me with that cordial way he has. “Ah, James,’’ he said, “you have come to the old man for some ideas, have you.” I was not surprised at his remarkable surmise as to my business with him, for I had seen him read men’s minds before. “Yes,” I answered, “I desire your opinion of the new theory I have been working on. In order to make it practicable I must have your co-operation. Let me explain,” I went on, seating myself on a high stool. “You know, the great failing of our present system is a scarcity of employment. No man is sure that his job will not be taken from him and given to some one better qualified. With all the wonderful machines that you have been making a few men can now do the work that formerly required the labor of .every one available. Of course the demand is no larger than before, for the same number of people exist as formerly, and when their wisheo are fulfilled nothing remains to be done. “Now the reasonable thing to do would be to administer chloroform to those who are not needed in the present system. The ones to be chloroformed would, of course, belong to the inefficient, the lazy and the criminal classes, and their removal would raise the average of efficiency of those remaining. A practical application of the natural law of ‘the survival of the fittest.’ ” I paused to watch the effects of this rather radical proposition on the worthy gentleman. “Yes, yes,” he muttered impatiently, “What I have long thought. Go on, go on.” “Well,” I continued, much gratified at his interest, “it is evident that such a scheme as I have mentioned would be impracticable at the present time, so I have considered an alternative, and in its application is where you come in. Now,” I said, speaking carefully, for much depended on his impression of the mat-

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ter, “all of this trouble has been brought about by machinery. Why not effect a reform through the same medium.” I reached out and thumped him on the knee. “Get me? It’s the biggest thing that ever happened for the common people. All you got to do is to invent an attachment for every machine that will regulate the output so there will be no surplus in the output of all machinery after the wants of the consumers are satisfied. In this way it will be possible to give every man a job, as the demand for their labor will be, if the thing is efficiently managed, just what will give employment to every man, woman and tender child in the United States. By means of a regulator appointed by the mayor of each town, all machinery can be regulated at a nominal cost. A bureau of regulation will be established by the United States in a central location, where it can keep its finger on the pulse of commerce and by a network arrangement of thetelophone system keep each regulator in tune with all the rest.” I finished my convincing little explanation, and my good old friend rose to his feet. “Jim,” he said, “I think you have it. What the world is looking for you have found And, my friend,” he wiped a tear from his eye and continued, “1 will help you to the best of my ability. But here,” he said, moving to the electrical apparatus aforementioned, “is a little contraption by which I have been enabled to foresee the results of my different experiments. It was my first invention and it has been the keynote to my success. Look into this glass while I draw an outline of the ‘Edison Regulator, ’ such as you suggested, on this slide. Then, when I turn the crank, the machine is projected into the future, where it can be seen at its period of greatest development.” He finished the picture and began to turn the crank. I looked and saw a beautiful street in a fair city. The marble pavements were being swept by six three-horse street cleaners with the “Edison Regulator” attached. The drivers looked contented and well fed. They were neatly dressed and altogether very superior to the avera ge persons of the lower orders. There was a large building in the foreground, and into this building poured a stream of people, marshaled by a number of bluecoats. They were of all sorts and descriptions young, old and middle aged; rich, well-to-do and poor; women, men and children. I noticed another door where a much smaller stream of people left the building, all with a look of relief on their faces, and I wondered. Ah, there was an “Edison Regulator” attached to the door. As the door opened a handsome youth, his hair freshly cut, wearing the utmost of what was appropriate in trousers, shoes, and necktie, and smoking an after-dinner cigarette, was drawn bodily