Cathedral College of the Immaculate Conception - Annual Yearbook (Brooklyn, NY)

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0'CATl-IEDRAL C'OLLEGE The Man Who Won The War NCE in every author's life a true story with a perfect plot comes along, smacks him in the teeth, and leaves him lying prostrate and flabber- gasted. Such is the following true story. Proof of its veracity will not be found in the secret files of any War Office. The files are too secret for that. So you'll have to take my word for it. And don't forget, the word of a Dinkle is a joy forever, or words to that effect. 'k 'k uk' One wintry night late in August l was traveling between Bordeaux and Gardeyloo on the Poupaloup Express. The locomotive had just stopped for wine, water being very scarce, at a tiny wayside station called lesuistuesilest- noussommesvousetesilssont, also known as Pomfret. Suddenly the door swings open and lo and beholdl who blows in but a mad dog of an Englishman. Gaunt, gray, grim and glum, he looked as though he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Utter woe looked out from each weepy eye. As soon as he spotted me he opened up his buck teeth Che was an ex-privatel and barked, Oh, so you think the Americans won the war, do you? Well, let me tell you something, Yankee, you've got another think corningl Well, it ain't comin' very fast. Who did win the war? l did, old bean, that's who. The very chapl l induced him to tell me all about it. He told me the following story which l give to you in his own words-mostly. -k ul' 'Ir Monkhouse is my name, Abbie Monkhouse. At the outbreak of the Great War l joined up with the Bloomsbury Fusileers, a crack regiment they were. We were ordered across the channel in no time at all and saw action in the very first days of the war. As our first assignment we were sent up to hold a tough line of trench somewhere between Windshield and Wipers. The Bochies had been coming fast, their assault crushing and grinding all before them. By love, it didn't look as though anything could stop the German steamroller. Well, on the night in question, Captain asks for volunteers to do patrol duty in no man's land. I happened to cough just then and the Captain says, Good, That's fine, Monkhouse. We'll pick you as long as you volunteer. So I'm the goat for that night. Captain What's-his-name says, Well, Steve. Didn't l say my name was Steve? It must be my nickname, then. Well, Steve, he says, just go out there and if you see a shrapnel coming, be sure to duck. All you have to do is reconnoiter. I don't know what it is recon- noiter, you understand. But whatever it is l figure l'll do it to the hilt, wot? Rawtherl T And so with a hearty clap on my shoulder and a manly handshake, ll6

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A N N U A L I 9 3 6 0 ' Candidate's Speech of Acceptance My friends, keenly aware as I am of my humble capacities and limited abilities, I also realize that I am the one man' in all the Americas best qualified for the task that lies before me. I venture to say you couldn't have picked a better man more unworthy of this high office. Search the wide world over, from the alabastric coast of Maine to the prune-fed portals of the Pacific, and I dare say without fear of contradiction that even with a fine-tooth comb you couldn't find a rarer specimen of political termite or humming humbug. And now, my friends . . . people's choice . . . friend of the farmer . . . wolf of'Wall Street . . . sterling character . . . fearless . . . brave . . . signal honor . . . solemn duties . . . spirit of independence . . . . . . Iackson . . . Iefferson . . . Madison . . . Lincoln, Nebraska . . . etc., etc. . . . Thank you ver' ver' much. POPULAR CANDIDATE FIRES OPENING GUN IN CAMPAIGN HON. DINKLE'S SPEECH IS PRINTED HEREIN FORTHWITH GREENPERNT, U. S. A., Iune 23.-Friends, citizens, Yahoos. As I gaze upon this vast sea of homely faces, I say to myself, I say, Verily, old sock, it's a small world after all. And now, my misbeguided constituents, let me give you some idea of how things are going to shape up when I'm elected to this country's most exalted office. To begin with, there'll be no more of this Mr. President stuff. No more Mr, President this and Mr, President that. Iust call me 'Prez, folks. Iust plain Prez, that's all. I want you to feel right at home in your own country. I want you to be able to walk right up, slap me on the back and say, How d'do, Prez, or Looks like rain, Prez. For seventy-five thousand per an- num, you can even kick me in the slats. And any old time one of you brothers passes through the Capital city, why just you come right up to the White House fit'll be the Green House thenl, park your feet on my desk, smoke my best cigars, spit in the presidential cuspidor, and let no man say you nay. Friend of the peepul, that's mel Now what do you want to do for you when l'm elected? Speak up: clon't be afraid. I'll promise you anything, any- thing at all. Did I hear some one say Free hamburgers? Right. Well, just you listen to me, folks. When I get to Wash- ington, the first thing I'll do, I'll just press one of them there little buttons, and soon as one of them little pot-bellied senators pokes his head through the door, I'll just say, I'll say, l0O,UOU,IJOO hamburgers com- ing up. That's what I'll say, And sho' nuff, folks, each and every one of you will get his or her hamburger. Won't cost you a nickel. Absolutely, And if anyone says Listen. When I get to Washington, I'll just take my pen in hand and write another one of them constitutional amendments. Free baseball tickets for all children over sixteen. How's that sound? Why, there's no reason at all we should pay to see them there fellers enjoying themselves playing ball. 'l'hey're having a good time, ain't they? Why can't we? Yes, sir, folks, when those history people start a-writin' some more books, you know what they'll say? They'll just say, Mr. President Din- kle, the man which put baseball flat on its back. That's where baseball belongs, anyway. It's silly to be chasing a little ball around a big lot on a hot afternoon. As soon as you catch it, they take it off you and hit it somewhere else, anyway. That's the way Dinkle does it. Don't you go listening to what my opponents say. What they say is all poppyrot, thats what it is. lust plain poppyrotl They Want to know how l'm going to balance the budget. Imagine thatl What do they think I am, cr trained seal? Folks, before I get through with our national deficit, we won't have to budge-itl And don't forget, my opponents all have vice-presidents to help them out. With me it's a one-man job. Besides, there's nobody can take my place, anyway. My only answer to them and my one warning to you will be the words of Erasmus, Beware the Grix bearing giftsl And now, my dear friends, just one part- ing word. Remember that a vote for me is a vote for you. But be sure you vote for mel

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A N N U A L 1 9 3 6 0 0 Captain says, Steve old bean, best of luck. l'll see to it personally that a gold star is put alongside your name on the Bloomsbury honor roll. That gave me a creepy feeling, so I Creeps over the parapet and out between the lines. I meant to stay in one spot and then creep back again. But it was a low-lying country and the mosquitoes were a trifle worse than bad. Consequently I kept moving about from place to place. Then pretty soon, quick as a flash, I was lostl Not knowing where I was, I groped blindly about. Suddenly I could hear someone singing We'll be coming down the Vosges when we come, and then I realized I was within hailing distance of the Holstein hillbillies, who occupied the trench opposite ours. The music got in my blood somehow, and I started a little jig all by my lonesome. All of a sudden I danced right smack into a German sentry. He challenged me in a thick, wursty sort of guttural voice. Chi e? he blusters. A frightful mess, says you. Rawtherl says I. However all is not lost. I bashed him one in the choppers. Ach, yust like mein brudder, he says. Next I kicked him in the rump. Ah, yust like mein fadder, he ecstatically mur- mured. And finally I calumped him over his cabbage head with a birch log Cthere were birch logs handy thereaboutl. Ah, yust like mein mudder. As he vent down for the third time he smiled and muttered, I-Ioch est der Vater- land. Iss yust like heim. CYah, geshichtell ' He had a pig's knuckle in one hand and a bottle of beer in t'other. Before doing anything else, I very wisely helped him finish these. While doing so I began to realize that a conscious German would be much more useful to me than an- unconscious one. So I hit him another clip over the head with the bottle, and that brought him to. In rapid fire succession I asked the following questions and elicited their corresponding replies. Whats the number of your regiment? Nein. How many thousand infantry? Nein. it How many artillery corps? Nein. What time will you attack? Nein. Cheerio, ' I said, and walked off. xx With a bit of a pig and a bottle of brew in him, a soldier has a better chance of finding his way home than otherwise. So before long I tumbled into the British lines and reported to the Captain. I felt pretty good. With four nines we should be able to lick any three kings in Europe. The Captain however didn't think so. Neither did the Colonel or the Major. A general staff meeting was hurriedly called. 'Private Monkhouse re- ports nine thousand infantry will attack at nine in the morning,' says Captain Courageous. 'What shall we do?' Everyone was at a loss for a suggestion. The Allied cause seemed hopeless. Lieutenant Pipsqueak piped up with a plan. 'Let's bring up the Scottiesf he says. 'They're just the men for a tight place. Besides, with legs like Irish blackthorn sticks, they'll scare the Huns. ll7