Bryn Mawr College - Bryn Mawr Yearbook (Bryn Mawr, PA)

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THE BOOK OF THE CLASS OF NINETEEN-FOURTEEN £7 second or the whole show ' ll go to pot. Get her I say! (Wild scramble. Enter Fanio trembling, a delicate reddish fringe on one cheek; the other clean shaven.) Stage Manager. — Ye Gods! Fanio. — C-c-couldn ' t h-h-hell pit. You said Stage Manager (infuriated). — Never mind what I said. You get the other half of your beard on quicker than you ever (Exit Fanio.) Ass, donkey — eight lines more! Merciful providence! jumping Jehosaphat! (Mopping her brow.) Go slow, go slow! Five lines! Slow down there! Hurry her up! Slow down! (Jumping about in a frenzy.) One line! (Groans.) (Enter Fanio bearded.) ACTCIDENT II Stage Manager. — Hand over that chair there. Get a wiggle on! Here, you Petruck, heave it up on top of the table and hang on to it for all you ' re good for. Now, Grumio and the rest of you, help the old man Smith up. One, two, three — heave! Look out! clear from under. (Old man crashes through cane seat.) Great guns! No time to lose. Get another chair. Quick there, I say. Come on, boost her up again. (Old man puts his head through the curtain to give effect of looking from a second-story window. Giggles on part of audience.) The curtain! Horrors! We never pinned it together. (Tears his hair.) ACTCIDENT III Stage Manager (peering through a hole in the back curtain). — My, she ' s doing that grandly. We ' re gettin ' away with this scene all right. Good ! Look at the spirit with which noble Petruck hurls those dishes about. Why, she ' s a first-class pitcher! Look at the curve on that soup tureen. Mercy on us! (Faint, watery scream.) Right into the prompter ' s box. Actcident IV Stage Manager. — Don ' t be nervous, Twot. It ' s simply ridiculous.

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26 THE BOOK OF THE CLASS OF NINETEEN-FOURTEEN a on ' t £ mtle A Play in Five Actcidents, Performed Before Her Majesty the Queen in that Year of Grace, 1912 Prologue TWO years ago we gave a play In true Elizabethan way — Petruchio and the Scolding Shrew ' Twas called. Meanwhile, known to the few, An humbler tragedy was played; Tis this that I have here essayed In simple fashion to narrate, In hopes it cometh not too late To shame those critics who, I ' m told, Had tongues so sharp and hearts so cold, That while Petruck (arrayed perchance In charming orange sealskin pants) To his fair lady sweet love made They, whispering, to each other said, His legs are really far too thin; His voice resembles crackling tin. And so I beg your patience while My little piece is played— and please don ' t smile! Actcident I Stage Manager {nervously). — Where is Fanio? It ' s her cue in twenty lines. Any of you over there seen her? Grtjmio. — She ' s down gettin ' her beard stuck on. Stage Manager. — Her beard! Heavens alive! fifteen fines. Get her up this identical

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28 THE BOOK OF THE CLASS OF NINETEEN-FOURTEEN Twot, the Cook. — Dear me! is it time for my cue? I don ' t know what it is. Do tell me when you hear it. Stage Manager. — All right! There it is now. Make a graceful entrance. Twot. — Dear me! dear me! (Trips, hesitates, falls headlong on to the stage, skilfully overturning a sideboard, a table, a chair, etc.) Actcident V Stage Manager. — This is really too much ! Do you mean to say not one of you has seen Petruck? And here it is the most important act. My chef d ' ceuvre and no hero! (Wrings her hands.) What on earth shall be done? (Sound of splintering glass from the dressing room.) Glory! Now what ' s that? This is the last straw ! (Enter Grumio convulsed icith mirth.) Stage Manager. — Stop cackling! Haven ' t you any feeling? What ' s happened? I never saw such unmanageable, ungrateful creatures! Stop giggling this instant! Grumio.— It ' s only Petruck (he! he! he!). She was (ha! ha!) making love to herself (he! he!) in the mirror (he! ha!) and she embraced it too affectionately. Don ' t be angry! She ' s all cut up about it. Epilogue And this the moral to my play: Just wink or turn your face away, At lapses from dramatic style. And please, whatever else you do — don ' t smile! Eugenia Baker, Stage Manager.