Brattleboro Union High School - Colonel Yearbook (Brattleboro, VT)

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maintained that he was unhappily mar- ried and wanted to elope with the maid. The great phrenologist, Oliver VVood, claimed that the bumps on his head proved conclusively that he desired to be a life-guard, but couldn't swim, and so it went on. Nort was torn between the diPferent factions, and eventually died of chronic uncertainty. Scent' V-New York City -How did Robert Thomas get ratted? -Yea, verily, that question was well put, because Bob pulled a Pied Piper and chased the rats from New York City. He then went on where he could get some business and landed in Greenfield. However, the rats were too much for him there, and they got him. -VVhat has happened to our great play- boy, Floyd Lindsey? -Floyd became what we thought he would, a wrestler, and was undefeated champ. The only way they could down him was to sneak up behind him with two three- ton tractors, a11d then they left him fiat. CReadingJ- Zz-Zip-Hallup There's nothing faster than a Gallup? -Louisa became a famous sprint'star and remained so all her life. She Hnally dropped dead after winning the 100-yd. dash for the United States in the 1980 Olympic Games. This is Beulah Carle- ton's grave, and all these queer posies are her creations. This little purple flower with the orange leaves is a choke- me-may-the combination of an arti- choke, a mayfiower, and a forget-me-not. Beulah was a second Luther Burbank. That reminds me, what became of Dick Jones? -He's buried in honor in VVestminster Abbey, in London. He was the great Sir Richard Jones, the inventor. He forsook his native land for England, be- cause we didn't pay proper tribute to his vacuum cleaner for dandruff. It met with great success over there and put our Listershine manufacturers out of business. Perhaps his greatest inven- tion, however, was his apparatus for cleaning the dirt out of the cracks in the Hoor. The new Brattleboro High School fyou know they're at last suc- ceeding in getting a new buildingj has a life-size statue of him in the right corner. 1 It says on this tombstone, Here is the coffin of the man who occupied the high- est position on earth. What was that? -A hermit on Mt. Everest. Pete Peter- son lived there for 89 years, but he fi- nally slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. 9 cnc' VI--Algiers 7 CReadsj- ' Paul was just another play-boy He broke 'em up for his own joy. THE DIAL S-Paul Lawton was a specialist in straight- ening bent back-bones. He just laid them down and jumped on them. But the last one was too tough. It snapped back and hit him in the chin, thus pre- maturely ending his career. 1-She was a woman of far-sighted ideas. 2-Who? l-Mary Nims. She opened a new field of endeavor for the American women when she became the first to count the fly specks on the 70th story of the Empire Building. It was all in the name of Science. S-Two other pioneers were Susan Thomas and Bertha VVhitney, who became ice- women. VVe had other famous women in our class. Marion Dix won the Grand Sweepstake Prize for the best painting of the Century, but there's a story be- hind that. It seems that one day she left her paints lying around and her cat got into them. He then went to sleep on a sheet of canvas. This canvas was by mistake substituted for the real pic- ture, but it won the prize. The Judges complimented Marion on her delicacy of touch, fine reproduction of subject matter, and exquisite coloring. 2-I'm tired of hearing about women. How about a few of the stronger sex. CPats himself on the chest and immediately collapses like a pricked balloon.j Scene VII-Hongkong, China S-NVell, how about this one? CReadsj- W'hen in his throat a fishbone stuck Raymond VVadleigh ran amuck. He was a good soul, but on Friday the 13th, a fishbone caught in his throat. The poor fellow went berserk. After having laid low a goodly number of gentle folk his shattered frame collapsed. 2-Poor Pete! l--Did they do right by our Merlene Phelps? S-I'll say they did. She became a maestro in the field of art and topped the world in making busts. 2-But didn't anybody live a calm, noble ex- istence? S-O yes, one or two.-Delsie Farnham be- came athletic coach at Smythe and put out one of the most invincible chess teams that has been seen in many years. Her assistant, Mary Phillips, specialized in ping-pong, but was not so successful. And see, over her lies Evelyn Denton. She was a dental hygienist and spent her life tracking down that pernicious old microbe, baccillus halitosis. She did a great service to the nation. 2-That's it. Always women! Scene VIII-Brattleboro S-VV ell, there was Verne Rice. He was one of the best garbage collectors Brattle- boro ever had. His garbage was always under control. 'll 1-finterruptingj-I always knew Verne would be a success. S-Qpointing to a modest unimposing little F gravel-Read this! 2- Here lies interred john Arthur Taskcr. Once he said, 'I want to go out, I guess I'll ask her.' Now he's dead. S-Those are the cold, cruel facts. He mar- ried Eleanor Humphrey, and soon be- came a typical example of the henpecked husband. They say she wielded a mean rolling pin. 2-My wife always preferred Hat irons. S-Speaking of women, here's a remarkable one! fReadsj- Ruby Smith is here interred. For six long years she spoke not a word. The strain was too much. She won the Silence Marathon. and here's another. CReadsj- Seventeen poets have written odes To the dusty dust of Dusty Rhodes. Doris was a farmerette, and a good one, too, but one day one of her bad, naughty cows jumped over the moon and Doris followed her. 2-There's one man in our class who always interested me and that's Fred Spear. NVhere's he? Scam' IX-Dummerstan S-That's his grave right here. And this is his epitaph. He sang right lustily Did Freddy Spear. Now his remains dustily g Are lying here. That is his story. He broke a blood vessel while hog-calling. 1-CReadingj- Lewis Prouty tried to fool his customers. What happened? S-The customers clubbed him to death after he had mixed a cement cake with tar frosting. And speaking of tar, see here! Scene X-Ossawatofrlic, Kansas 2-fReadsj- f'Poor old Sadie Zarr She simply couldn't break par. S-Our ill-fated friend had a hard heart, similar to Floyd Orson's and met his fate. 1-Here's a rare old epitaph! Dorothy Aiken Brought home the bacon. But they caught her And they shot her. S-That was another sad case. She had seven starving children and a husband to support, so she stole some bacon. S'-. The hitch was that she took it in the . living form, after the proverbial method of Tom, the piper's son. The owner, awakened by Hamlet's squeals, got ex- cited anrl shot the fugitive. ' 2--Does good little Gretchen Shaw lie here?

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I0 THE DIAL CLASS PROPI-IECY N the year 2031, the two remaining sur- vivors of the class of 1931 decided to make an anniversary tour of the burial places of their former classmates. In order to learn the histories of their classmates' lives the mourners have succeeded in bor- rowing the spirit of Miss Evelyn Perry from Lucifer. Miss Perry comes from her niche in Hell, primed with information gleaned from her gossiping Plutonian companions. This information she imparts to the Rip Van W'inkles as they go from cemetery to ceme- tery reading epitaphs and exchanging remi- niscences. The scene changes frequently, it being necessary only for the travelers to step upon the magic rug provided by Miss Perry in order to float from place to place with consummate ease and great speed. In the following 1 stands for the first Rip Van VVinkle, 2 for the second and S for the omniscient spirit of Miss Perry. Scene I--P111'nc'y l-fReadingj- J. Stewart knew his milk. He knew His calories, his proteins, too. But somehow the milk he sold to you VV as more H20 than moo-moo-moo. 2-Could that have been our old pal Barney? Spirit-Y es. Stewart realized an early am- bition when he became the owner of a milk plant. Being naturally inclined toward the business he met with great success. One day, however, he fell into the milk machine and was devoured by the angry milk molecules. His son. Stewart, Jr., a good fellow and a reg- ular stave oFf the old barrel, continues the business. Scene II-Egypt l-VVell, well, well! Here's Putt Hel- yar's grave. How'd he happen to get down here? S-Oh, that is a sad, sad, story. It seems that he wandered into King John Nurse's harem one day and was crushed to death in the rush. There has been a lot of discussion as to how he got in there, but I happen to know that he was janitor of the palace and only came in to wash the windows. 2-I knew that curly hair of his would be his downfall. But who lies under this pyramid? S-Lorraine Hoag. She was advised by her doctor to go to a dry climate and so she went to Sheba. She made a great hit there and in a few years was elected Queen of Sheba. And here, Grace Simonds, faithful unto the end, lies be- side her queen. Before her demise she had become very efficient in the art of strewing Flowers and garlands in the path of royalty. Scene III-Lmzdcm 2- L Reading J - This is a sad and tragic song, Old John Shaw has passed along. S-Yes, John did not become a baker, but in- stead he occupied the high position of chef at the Vifaldorf-Castoria. l-fthoughtfullyj Castoria! 2-Say, how did they get Bernice Smith over here? S-Surely, you must have heard about that! She became a celebrated after-dinner speaker. But while speaking at a ban- quet in London she murdered the King's English and one of the loyal Royalists shot her. l-O yes, I heard about that. In fact, I wrote an ode in her honor. VVant to hear it? fReciting with flourishes and gesturesj Miss Bernice Smith, nicknamed 'Bunny' Became obsessed with the notion That her jokes were most terribly funnyg Now my Bunny lies over the ocean. 2-fnot listening, having no appreciation of good poetryb. Here's my idea of an epitaph! CReadsJ Blessed be the modest for they shall not be believed. S-Cwaxing eloquentl Hear ye! Hear ye! They that are too modest listen to the fate of Ronald Sibson. He was the doer of great deeds. He dug a hole to China but denied it, he swam across the ocean, but he said, It was just luck! 2-Too bad! I liked Ron, but you remember that I was always saying Don't he modest, Sibson. 1-Say! listen to this! Our friend Frances Dunlevy Became extremely heavy. She died without corrections And had to be buried in sections. S-As a matter of fact Dunny procured the position of fat lady in the Big Time Circus, and after a time she saved up money enough to retire and became Fat Lady Emeritus. S bmw Il -Oslxkosh, Wisconsin 1-Herels an odd inscription. It just says, S 2 S Christine Loomis tried but failed. -O yes, Christine as President of the Anti-Prohibition League did her best to repeal the lSth Amendment but she couldn't fight the unwilling Americans alone. Her last words were light wines and beers. -How about her brother? -Cleon Phelps and Robert Loomis amused the gentry by standing on their heads and boop-boop-a-dooping as a vaudeville act. VV e had another vaudeville star from our class, Kay Jordan. She became quite famous, her best act being to sing Roll, jordan, Roll. 1-And here's where Red McCarthy fi- nally parked his body. To think our Red would become such a noted philanthro- pist. VVhy, I remember hearing that he used to tip caddies and bell-boys brand new dollar bills. And there's hardly a city in the United States but what has a McCarthy swimming pool, or a Mc- Carthy aquarium. ' S-Yes, and Seraph Chase, whose coffin lies 2? there beside his, was a world-famous trapeze artist. They say that it was a beautiful sight to see her Hitting from bar to bar. But one day she missed and went the way of all good trapeze artists. CReadingj-- VVith an awful yell, and a couple of groans, Thus passed out dear Lillian Jones. S-Lil was the only suicide in our class. She 2. was only twenty-nine when she discov- ered that life was too harsh and swal- lowed sulfuric acid. And she had such a brilliant future! CVVeeps profuselyj Wlhere are our old friends, Hope and Ellen? S-Ah, ha! They were inseparable friends 1... on earth, but the Grim Reaper clove them in twain in the after life. Gee, look at this one! Here lies buried beneath the sod, 'Nort' Vlfilson, by an act of God! Amen. S-Poor old Nort. He was a victim of a suppressed desire. He had been psy- choanalyzed again and again but the ex- act nature of his desire could not be de- termined. Dr. John Tenney said it was a desire to poison his mother-in-law. The eminent Dr. Sprague disagreed and

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12 S-She does. She had a 11oble soul and a kind heart. Her greatest work for humanity was the making of bigger and cheaper false teeth. 1-Good old Gretchen! Scene XI-Buttonrdfsky, Rrrssia S-There was another noble soul in our class, Eleanor Sexton. She strove hard, overcoming each obstacle that she found in her way. If she could not remove an obstacle, she plowed around it, and she always had time enough for courtesy. At last they made her a sexton. 2-And how about Art Boyd? S-He played Big League baseball for the Hinsdale Hyenas. If I remember rightly they licked the Algiers Algaes, under the management of Cy Underwood. 1-I remember. That was a great game. And here's Ockie Ekberg's tomb. It says something about music. VVas he a musician? S-VVhy surely. He was the one that stepped into Fritz Kreisler's shoes. They were a little too big for him but he managed. And he was accompanied on the piano by Viola Hertzberg. He wanted to marry her but she said he was too temperamental. 2-W hat happened to our baby-eyed Hazel? S-Hazel had a merry life. She was drafted by the movies to till the roles once taken by Louise Fazenda and Zazu Pitts. 1--And Doug Tupper? Scene XII-Kalamazzoo S-Here! fReadsD- Here lies Doug Tupper in the dust In which he worked. He became the millionaire street cleaner, making a fortune out of his book, The Memoirs of a Street Cleaner. 2-Here's a great one. A sylph-like figure of a girl. It was Gretchen Schorling after a pearl. S-Gretchen became a pearl-diver and got more pearls than all the others com- bined, but one day a shark was extra hungry. Quick, where's my-sniff, sniff -handkerchief. l and 2-Mine, too? S-And Raymond Koski. He became a Howling Dervisll. They say that he sure could howl some. But he frightened so many little children that they finally made him stay in captivity. Sfmt' XIII-Orrvlmflmz.-yu 2-CReadsj- Let it be said that Muriel Foley Lived and loved and died quite solely For the own good sake of Muriel Foley . S-Muriel, although in high school the most generous and lovable of characters, early in life became embittered against the world and decided to go in for the THE DIAL worship of Self. And did you hear about Marjorie NVillian1s? She became a very successful flea-trainer. It was said that her fleas grew to love her so that every- where that Marjorie went her Heas were sure to go. l-CReadsj- VVe never saw a prettier sight Than red pajamas on Pat Wfhitef' S-Miss XVhite, who lived to the grand old Sr age of 113 years, attributes her long life to red flanuels. vue XI l '-Paris 2- C Reads J - Here lies the body of Lucille VVhitney She died while fighting with a j itney. S-Lucille became secretary of the Eiffel Tower Novelty Co. of Paris. Then one day she stopped in front of a taxi. 1-And boy, read this one: Here lies the body of Peg Cram, She was a dear, sweet little lamb. S-She certainly was! She became head of the XVoman's Purity League. Her re- forms are known all over the country. She even reformed that hardened old sinner, Ernie Kall. She remarked after- ward that he was the toughest proposi- tion she ever tackled. l-VV ell here are the remains of XVendell Dix. .2-Xvas he a runner after leaving school? S-I'll say he was, he became a runner for a New York Bank. After running for ten years he Finally was killed by hi- jackers. l-CReadsj- Here the remains of Chamberlain lie CX!-l-22-P32114 -!-YD .Z-Ken Chamberlain, the famous mathe- matician. S-He was famous, all right. He was the 1... Einstien of his age. He at last proved that the moon was flat and so died con- tent. Pay honor, pay homage to XVilliam Mundell. ' The poet who never from virtue fell. as S-Wlilliam was a living example of the fact that immortal poets are not necessarily immoral. The class poem was only the first of his masterpieces. Seem' XV-Peoria 1- Here lies Alice MacKay Always charitable, always philanthropic. She let not her left hand know Xvhat her right hand did. Z-XVhew, some epitaph. S-Yes, she wrote it herself. 2- Here lie Marion and Rowena Barrett Joined in death as they were in life. 1-VVere they joined in life? S-Wfhy, certainly, they were co-authors of stories for girls. They wrote the Pretty Polly Series which was such a smashing success. After their book Pretty Polly in Pategonia was published, so many people became interested in Pategouia that the population increased one hun- dredfold in a week. It was immediately after this that the two girls died of athlete's foot. 2-Here is Alberta Bowker's tomb. 1-She was another psychoanalyst wasn't she ? S-Yes, she died of a nervous breakdown Sr brought on by overwork. She had just psychoanalyzed J. Stewart Barney. vue XVI-New York l- VVe heard a shriek and a tearing moan. It was only DeVVitt with a saxaphonef' 2-So he was a music master. S-Yes, he was the Rudy Vallee of his age. But at last an irate college student ended his career with a well placed cocoanut. 2- C Reads J - Gerald Allen 1913-1984 1-Judas, Tuffy Allen, the actor! Did he succeed in his profession, Spirit? S-I'll say he did, he took the part of Presi- dent Hoover in the historical moving picture Hard Times. That was the crowning event of his career but he also appeared in many other productions. l- Q Readsj- Roses and tears for Madeline Chase, She simply couldn't stand the pace. S- M became the champion marathon dancer of the United States but it was a tough grind and at last she broke down physically. l-Here's jack Dube's grave. CReadsD- Jack was just a gigolof' 2-'Nuff said. S-Yea, too much. 1- C Reads J - .Z-I Bill Cox, 1910-1933 . Here lie the remains of H. NVilliam Cox 1, He died defending his bright-hued sox. always knew he would get it some day. S-Yes, Bill was cut, down in the flower of his youth by a member of the anti-noise squad. f 2-Say, here's Doris Eldridge's final resting place. S-Yeah, she was the defendant in a breach- of-promise suit. The judge gave her fifteen days and costs of a dollar. VVhile in prison she was under the watchful eyes of sister Marjorie, who then had the responsible position of prison matron. You remember Marjorie always did keep watch over her sister. l--I donlt see Joe Holiday's grave any- where. Is he still living? S-No, he's among the immortals. Old 1- Gabriel got too old and couldn't do any triple-tonguing, so they sent a hurry-call to Joe and he gave them a break. I had planned on seeing him up above, but they didn't send me to the right place. Tough luck! fContinued on page 451