Bethel University - Spire Yearbook (St Paul, MN)

Page 9 text:

people measure up?” Sure, they were a solace after being rejected, but they just weren’t my type. I try not to label others, yet found myself in the midst of doing it. Lunch time still stings. Perhaps they sized me up. discarding my personality as I have discarded others. Ouch. I'd never really been tossed out like that, and must admit I didn't like it. I'm discovering so many parts of myself I have never seen before, like insensitivity. Maybe I am learning something here. Maybe it has to do with growing up. My parents keep writing, wanting so badly to be part of my experiences. I want to keep in touch, but... now that I think about it. what v ould I say? Hi. I love Bethel. College is everything I had hoped it to be and more... That would reassure them. I know they long for me to take advantage of the opportunities they never had. and I want to. I'd love to be Miss Popularity, bring a nice young gentleman home to Mom. and even get decent grades to justify the financial pressure. But I didn't immediately fall into the social arena and guys seem only a fantasy. Grades — well, lately all I do is study... Perhaps I should close my letter. Your daughter, the social zero. Dad wrote. “We hope it is God's will for you to remain at Bethel . . . That caught me off-guard. I never wondered whether or not it was God’s Will for me to be here. Is it God's will that I be so incredibly lonely? It can't be! How could He expect me to want to do His will when it obviously leaves me with so much pain? Why didn't I think of it before? I can pray about it; just give Him my social dilemmas and leave it to His power to drop the right people and opportunities in my lap. I wasted my time trying to do it on my own. when God could have done it so much better . . . and maybe faster!

Page 8 text:

Not seeing any familiar faces in the cafeteria today. I sat with a new group of people for lunch. They chattered as if they'd been friends for life. They halfheartedly tried to make me feel more comfortable by using short conversation starters. So. v hat'd you say your name was?” I was a stranger in their clique. I felt helpless, vulnerable to their judgment. Why was I unable to enter their conversation? I felt inferior, inept. Later in the lounge. I found myself with friends from classes and the dorm. How different I felt. I spoke with ease, almost dominating the conversation. Yet I still felt odd. noting an air of superiority in my voice. Did these

Page 10 text:

OSD Days come and go swiftly. It seems I’ve been here for years when it's only been a few months. I expected opportunities to come from all directions, yet grew frustrated with people who had the courage to grab the opportunities before they passed. The people here don’t care about who I was. They want to know who I am now, a person I have yet to show them. Where did my confidence go? I expected God to fill my orders. I know that He opens the doors, but I must step through them. I wonder how many opportunities He’s given to me? I let others take the initiative while I sit, waiting for the right” time. My image of Him has been confused. Realizing my own foolishness, I lower my head. Lord, my confidence is failing ... and my faith in you waivers. I tried to use You for my own benefit, to satisfy my need for friendship. I’m so sorry. Help me to focus on You. Never on me.” I felt myself growing these past few weeks, becoming less and less the me of September, and more the me of tomorrow. Me is no longer the center of my life, but is slowly being replaced by Someone far greater, and more worthy of the position. I can see changes already. I'm surprised at the new person I'm becoming ... a person I would never have dreamed to be. I know I'm not finished — only en route. I wonder what lies ahead. God's courses are never easy for me. There is so much still to be learned and I am so unwilling to be taught. Yet I cannot fear what's ahead. God will teach and guide me and I’ll be able to look back and see the results Today I must live in the present, grasping what I can from each day. collecting the impressions that will become a permanent part of the ever-changing me; laughing and learning, hurting and healing, but always, always me. Si.