Bethel University - Spire Yearbook (St Paul, MN)

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Nov. 22 Unusual dream last night. In a large hall swarming with stock-exchangelike men, I saw four women undergo a mock execution. Lined up against the wall, the four displayed a calmness that overwhelmed me. The men jeered, shaming the women for being women. In suit and tie, nobody suspected me, yet I shook like a leaf, pacing everywhere. I knew the women, and I wanted to help, but couldn't. Then the hall turned into a party room. Same people, including more women my age were dancing and eating their hearts out. I was still shaking, but I felt everyone else denying the event. Better get to class.

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r$0 PSO Nov. 3 Last Sat. night went to a costume party. ( Dressed up as a woman who ran out of gas — showed up with a two-gallon gas tank.) Sort of fun. A lot of new faces, not to mention the masks. Later on during the party, when most begin to mellow down, a handful got their second-wind to hyper up. Actually. some of them got obnoxious. Then this girl got on my nerves. Funny thing — she reminded me of myself in past years. For the rest of the evening, my thoughts wouldn't stop knifing the people around me. This guy is as callous as a camel’s knee. That girl could have a lobotomy and nobody would know the difference. That guy eats like a grazing cow: non-stop. Why do I tear into people like that, and even enjoy it? Do I think I'm better just because I see things a little differently? . . .

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PSD Dec. 11 Final exams next week, then just one more semester! And it's snowing out — God's dandruff. I'm so happy today I could do a cartwheel in the coffee shop! I’m younger now than I was three years ago. Gretchen wrote to me again. Replying to my “urban treadmill letter, she wrote, .. take time to be yourself — to do the things that pleased you as a child.” Hours later, I was cutting out favorite pictures from National Geographies. no What fun — taping ferns and sea shells on notebooks, and scones of the Sahara on my wall. Rest of the evening I just sat around and enjoyed my own company. Didn't even think of watching T.V. Jan. 14 Took a 4 bus from Silvercrest to Uptown Theater. Two potent movies. One was about Jewish resistance in the Warsaw ghetto Felt numb all the way home. What's the holocaust got to do with my life at college? I see stuff like that and it grips me to the bone ... but what then? On the one hand I feel like I gotta get up and fight something; on the other hand, I'm this student who eats three meals a day, studies in a cozy college, and plans how to make enough bucks when I graduate. Jan. 20 A friend of mine was raped near her apartment. I'm very sad and very mad. Another friend just gave birth to a healthy little boy. How do both things fit in the same world? Mere words and phrases no longer satisfy me. They distance me. I want to feel my questions first — to be touched by the tragedy and joy of another — and maybe then, maybe I can begin to touch back. T.L