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Page 20 text:
“
It’s an ugly night — cold and wet with loneliness. The steady motion of the bus casts me into a hynotic trance, and as | stare blankly, somehow that window frames my past. As pitch-black cornfields and rumbling thunder whisk by, so do the yesterdays. Flipping like pages in a diary, | catch glimpses of those stick-pony days, and of tears that wallowed from that childish ‘‘nobody-loves-me’’ syndrome. | feel as if my soul was spattered all over that sweating glass, reflecting like a mirror — separating me from the past and lurid future. Out THERE the world is crawling; time is ticking...ticking. | feel slimy and scared like a little lost kid, but there’s no Lost and Found — Daddy says there’s only a “Good Will.’ Well, I'm suf- focating in my own pent-up world...somewhere bet- ween going and arriving, being and becoming. The ties at home are slipping; the ominous future Is lurking, beckoning — and here | am JUST HANGING in nomad’s land. Stumbling and stubbing my toe too often, | find my barefoot independence is not free. When | first tasted that salty drop of independence, it tasted sweet, and no one was going to stand in my way. | had direction, FORCE, FREEDOM. | knew what | wanted and how to get it...1 had ME and an amazing amount of SELF-confidence. Rules and ties only confined me, so | snipped them, all of them. | was a new person — my interests had changed — so why did | need old, worn-out friends, or a griping, complaining family? They threatened my in- dependence, my individuality. It’s time to move on, “‘got no time to waste’’ — there’s so much to learn, so much to do. Never before had | felt so confident, so free... ...Or so forlorn. When those ‘‘moods” hit, | felt wret- ched — an idiot in an intellectual world, a joker with no talent. | had no commitments, no trusts, no one to turn to. When | clung to the wall, it never hugged back. | needed people; | needed my family; | needed old friends. 1 Student Life
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Page 21 text:
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Inside there was an aching for something concrete, something consistant and continuing. Something to identify with. ‘Keep some interests from your past constantly developing,’’ 20-year-oid Linda Surratt warned, “something to give life the continuity it needs when things are changing so drastically.” In my silent ‘‘Hellacious Acres,’’ | was torn between home and school, and instead of ‘finding the best of both worlds,’” my two entities — Dependent and In- dependent — collided, bashing into one another like bumper cars, except that | wasn’t laughing. | couldn't put the past, the present, or the future into perspective. | | disregarded the past with an air of indifference, and | shied away from the future — dreams have no | guarantee. I’m just too busy to think about the present. | can’t go back, and yet, | can’t go forward. “I'm financially dependent on my parents...| wish it were different because they don’t really have the money to spare,” a junior from Sullivan said. ‘| work doubly hard, though, to show | appreciate it.’’ Why had | been so cruel and evasive at home? Deep down | have pride in my family and they must know I’m grateful. Have my feelings really changed, or am | just being lazy? “One good thing about being in this transition state is that your parents will always be around. . .You can always go-home on weekends,”’ said Kate Lawson, a sophomore from New Haven. ‘But within yourself you have to reach that ‘happy medium’—you can’t hang on forever.” Slowly | began tying knots—no more bows. In my Declaration of Independence, | inserted a clause which included responsibility, risk, and even that taming, for- bidden word, “‘love. ’ | kept reminding myself of the philosophy ‘| AM THIRD,” and surprisingly, everything | fell into place. |
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