Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

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VJho ' s Boo B o9 Every year each school tabs honored seniors to Who ' s Who in American Colleges and Universities. Just once we would like to see a selection of students based on something other than service, integrity, and scholar- ship. Therefore we submit our choices for the ASU -Who ' s- Boo -Boo ' s, 1976. George Mmerrglizzle, a barb freak who never once articulated his name well enough for anyone to compre- hend. Spudhead Bronkowisky. 240 pound Mountaineer tackle who agreed to serve as punching bag for the P.E. department after he raped the old heavy bag, thinking it was Hilda Bunswumper, his steady. Punks the wonder dog who chased Officer Delbert O ' Malley up a goalpost during halftime of homecoming ' 75. Amy Dink, biology lab technician and departmental research assistant who isolated seven strains of VD on the ASU campus without using her microscope. Don Diego DelGata, freshman, who slept under his bed for his first semester because Art Department Chairman Larry Edwards told him it was an ASU tradition. Philosophy professor, D.G. Sparks, the walking Desenex footpowder commercial who leaves behind a puff of smoke with every step he takes. Aristotle Thunderbunk, campus noodle-mind who applied for a copyright on God and subsequently was invited to speak at Harvard commencement. Spunkie Bokenight, human statue, whose sneeze in class after four months of absolute silence and motionlessness caused John Foster West ' s scalp to sprout red curly hair. Lanny Nagurski, co-captain of seven ASU athletic teams, who held more letters in sports than he had mastered of the alphabet. Percy Fresh, junior business major, who spelled out the Preamble to the Constitution in hickies on the belly of Lucy Poovey, his sometime steady. Pheefie Foefum, transfer student from England, who organized a protest march in behalf of minority giants by laying, first, a golden egg and then the junior class. Borefurt Yawn — The worst joke-teller in the business since the days of George Ivey, Jr. caused a riot in the cafeteria last semester when he forgot the punchline of a joke for the thirty-first consecutive time. Borefurt, in the employment coup of the century, was recently hired as a script-writer for Lawrence Welk. Wunnerfull. Wunnerfull. Charles Bukowski, Jr., for his aesthetic efforts in ridding the world of ugly by trading his face for a Bill Dunlap halloween mask. Piney Sagbrest, French major and guardian of the key, who sold her memoirs of her love life to Parker Brothers. Marsha Mallow, a regular at the Psychological and Counseling Center, who was thrown out of school for sitting in Dr. Wey ' s cup of hot chocolate. Sammy Davis, Jr. Jones — a one-eyed Peace-Love-Dove guy from the bead and bangles school of dress who cannot decide whether he is white or black. One day he digs Don Cornelius, the next day Dick Clark. One day it ' s dark meat, the next day it ' s white. We say turkey ' s turkey anyway you slice it. Oreo Brown — Caucasian coed from Nabisco, N.C., has a sweet tooth for the black athletes, preferably two at a time. Oreo, whose father is a dentist, claims that although her penchant for sweets has caused a proliferation of cavities, she has no trouble getting her cavities filled. 24 National Lampoon

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The only good pack is a six-pack. Go Heels! Don ' t eat yellow snow. This door is a reflection of all the stupidity of mankind. Why can ' t man forget his material or physical being and replace it with what is whole — the spiritual aspect of man. How much meaning can I love you have if it ' s an answer? The most intelligent response is no response. How does one escape from a society that dictates one must go to college? I want to travel!! -an insecure freshman How do you keep a polack busy i f How do you keep a polack busy More Put Downs (continued) Evans: Well, how do you tie your shoes? Figure: I also lost my legs. Evans: Well, God sure works in mysterious ways, (turns to get placebo) Look, son, I ' m putting a box of Tylenol in your pocket. Have someone give you two tablets every four hours. And here ' s some Robitussin to stop that terrible cough. Figure: But I don ' t have a cough. Evans: See. Works every time. And. son. . . Figure: Yes, Doc Evans? Evans: Next time you crawl in here, use the back entrance. Nurse Snook just waxed that floor. Peace of Mind Maharishi Mahesh Yogi descended upon the United States with a commodity known as Transcendental Meditation which was conceived and designed especially for the American counter-culture mentality by Hype Inc, a division of Mattel that also brought you Pet Rock. With promises of peace of mind, tranquility, and creative intelligence, Maharishi, better known to citizens of Whipdog, Texas, (his actual hometown) as Findley Dunk, carries the message and a fifth of Jack Daniels under his stately Hart, Shafner and Marks cassock. Guru Yogi, whom you may have seen as a losing contestant on the Dating Game years ago, spreads the gospel of the mantram. a form of meditation that utilizes the soothing meditative effect of sound repetition. It has been the practice of the Maharishi and his followers not to divulge the mantra publicly on the sacred grounds that a plague of lip warts would descend upon the revealer and all his close friends. The copy editors of this book decided, warts or no warts, the truth must be known, so we hired a complete stranger to uncover the facts about meditation and mantra. Below is the as yet unpublished account of his probe. Procedure: Meditator is to sit on a rug in an upright position with legs crossed and with arms resting on the legs, palms upward. Meditator closes his eyes and begins deep breathing. Then, for approximately twenty minutes he repeats his mantram as revealed by his meditatee or guru, concentrating on nothing but his breathing and the repetition of the mantra. The most widely used mantram, developed a millenium ago on a Boy Scout camping trip to the Tibetan grass lands, is the Buddhist chant 0-wah, tie-goo. Siam. This mantram should be repeated smoothly and softly until the meditator sees the light. The Damndest Thing Happened A tragic event occurred on the campus of Appalachian State University when eight students, celebrating a crucial football victory died suddenly in a bizarre tale of terror. Al Grosserman. roommate of one of the male victims, related to newsmen the unusual details of the tragedy, I tell you it ' s the damndest thing I ever saw. The tube was on, President Ford was getting ready to speak to the country; everybody in the room was loose, but appeared to be healthy. I stepped into the John to void myself, and when I returned, dead bodies were strewn all over the place. It is my understanding from reading the investigative reports that death occurred just after President Ford tripped over a network power line and swallowed his microphone. The Coroner ' s report filed in Watauga County Courthouse revealed that the students were victims of an irrestible urge to laugh themselves to death. Sw)o(l a IF, XxUUd ■SrAoricU feezloofo r Hood National Lampoon 23

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STUDENT PLACEMENT SERVICES Let Us Help You Find fj J%J (at the end of an unemployment line.) National Lampoon 25