Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

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Hard Core Pornography Bathroom Graffiti - Water Closet Philosophers Scholars are at odds when discussion turns to criteria for evaluating a university. Purists cry curriculum or faculty. A minority of savants promote the library and the number of available volumes as the only criteria by which to measure an institution of higher learning. Other factions offer for consideration the reputation of the graduate school, the number of incoming transfer students, the average yearly earnings of graduates, and, occasionally, the football coach. Recently, however, a covey of upstart leftovers, a misguided group with recurring dreams of legitimacy, has proposed the layman ' s point of view. It is the group ' s contention that the best way to judge a university is not by scrutinizing the subject matter within the walls of any great institution but by scrutinizing the very walls for those telltale signs of notability. Spokesman for the group and compiler of a one thousand page tome of bathroom homilies and blasphemes. Porter Farce justifies the proposal. We seriously doubt that every student on campus has waxed eloquently on Keats, or Kant, or Bernoulli ' s Principle. We doubt that the entire student body of any university has stepped foot in a library. We even have misgivings about whether or not the entire body of students has ever been awake at the same moment, but we have no doubts that every student has seen the insides of a bathroom stall. Convincing enough. Every school has a few home-spun philosophers who prefer the shadows of anonymity and the form-fitting seat of the porcelain throne. Every man and woman alive, presumably, has gripes, complaints or curses to register, albeit perhaps, away from the public eye. Probably every serious student of life has drawn at least one home-spun proverb from a cinder block wall, a veneer slide-lock door, or a pink marble partition and incorporated the thoughts into his or her own philosophy and probably been better off for it. At a time in history when training a pet rock is sane and spouting Spinoza or Kierkegaard is weird, the world needs more bathroom graffiti to perpetuate the tradition of Plato, Aristotle and Big Bird. We need philosophy that is non-exclusive. Common man needs his medium, too. It is, then, in this vein, in the serious pursuit of purpose that we, the copy staff of the Rhodo, have set about to chronicle the wit and wisdom of ASU stall philosophers as a means of evaluating our university. No seat, no stall door was left unturned in our relentless pursuit of the way it is. We offer our findings to you, the students, the water closet philosophers. Birds do it, bees do it Dogs do it and get stuck to it I do it and hope you do it But damn those who don ' t do it. It matters not what price you ' ve paid, You can ' t get gladness ready made. To get the real and lasting kind, You have to grow it in your mind! It is only immoral to be dead-alive, sun extinct, and busy putting out the sun in other people. Cosmos is: 1. Mick Jagger ' s french poodle 2. the 6th day of a 5 day deodorant pad 3. the 10th commandment 4. Marlin Perkin ' s summer replace- ment 5. Truman Capote ' s middle name 6. liver and onions 7. polyunsaturated fat 8. Marlin Perkin ' s winter replacement 9. 4 more years 10. ethnic abbreviation 11. only if you think so 12. ASU 35, use 13. the green meat in the lunch room 14. getting out of school 15. open minded professors God is dead. -Neitszche Neitszche is dead. -God God is love Love is blind Ray Charles is blind Ray Charles is God What we need in the white house instead of a Ford is a two year old VW. They go a long way on a little gas. Don ' t cost much to maintain. And fit into tight places with ease. Life is like a bowl of prunes It ' s hard to get a date To do is to be. Aristotle To be is to do. Descartes Do be do be do. Sinatra Don ' t throw cigarette butts in the toilet. It makes them soggy and hard to light. Life is not time, life is not a mere fact. It is a steady and ceaseless process and an unseen goal. 22 National Lamooon

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The only good pack is a six-pack. Go Heels! Don ' t eat yellow snow. This door is a reflection of all the stupidity of mankind. Why can ' t man forget his material or physical being and replace it with what is whole — the spiritual aspect of man. How much meaning can I love you have if it ' s an answer? The most intelligent response is no response. How does one escape from a society that dictates one must go to college? I want to travel!! -an insecure freshman How do you keep a polack busy i f How do you keep a polack busy More Put Downs (continued) Evans: Well, how do you tie your shoes? Figure: I also lost my legs. Evans: Well, God sure works in mysterious ways, (turns to get placebo) Look, son, I ' m putting a box of Tylenol in your pocket. Have someone give you two tablets every four hours. And here ' s some Robitussin to stop that terrible cough. Figure: But I don ' t have a cough. Evans: See. Works every time. And. son. . . Figure: Yes, Doc Evans? Evans: Next time you crawl in here, use the back entrance. Nurse Snook just waxed that floor. Peace of Mind Maharishi Mahesh Yogi descended upon the United States with a commodity known as Transcendental Meditation which was conceived and designed especially for the American counter-culture mentality by Hype Inc, a division of Mattel that also brought you Pet Rock. With promises of peace of mind, tranquility, and creative intelligence, Maharishi, better known to citizens of Whipdog, Texas, (his actual hometown) as Findley Dunk, carries the message and a fifth of Jack Daniels under his stately Hart, Shafner and Marks cassock. Guru Yogi, whom you may have seen as a losing contestant on the Dating Game years ago, spreads the gospel of the mantram. a form of meditation that utilizes the soothing meditative effect of sound repetition. It has been the practice of the Maharishi and his followers not to divulge the mantra publicly on the sacred grounds that a plague of lip warts would descend upon the revealer and all his close friends. The copy editors of this book decided, warts or no warts, the truth must be known, so we hired a complete stranger to uncover the facts about meditation and mantra. Below is the as yet unpublished account of his probe. Procedure: Meditator is to sit on a rug in an upright position with legs crossed and with arms resting on the legs, palms upward. Meditator closes his eyes and begins deep breathing. Then, for approximately twenty minutes he repeats his mantram as revealed by his meditatee or guru, concentrating on nothing but his breathing and the repetition of the mantra. The most widely used mantram, developed a millenium ago on a Boy Scout camping trip to the Tibetan grass lands, is the Buddhist chant 0-wah, tie-goo. Siam. This mantram should be repeated smoothly and softly until the meditator sees the light. The Damndest Thing Happened A tragic event occurred on the campus of Appalachian State University when eight students, celebrating a crucial football victory died suddenly in a bizarre tale of terror. Al Grosserman. roommate of one of the male victims, related to newsmen the unusual details of the tragedy, I tell you it ' s the damndest thing I ever saw. The tube was on, President Ford was getting ready to speak to the country; everybody in the room was loose, but appeared to be healthy. I stepped into the John to void myself, and when I returned, dead bodies were strewn all over the place. It is my understanding from reading the investigative reports that death occurred just after President Ford tripped over a network power line and swallowed his microphone. The Coroner ' s report filed in Watauga County Courthouse revealed that the students were victims of an irrestible urge to laugh themselves to death. Sw)o(l a IF, XxUUd ■SrAoricU feezloofo r Hood National Lampoon 23