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Page 26 text:
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Page 25 text:
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Do-Nothing Profile Name: Mike (The Chief) Broome Age: historically indeterminate Profession: author, public speaker, demagogue, model, clown, prosecutor Last Book Checked Out: MEIN KAMPF Favorite Entertainment: escorting girls across campus after 11:00 p.m. Favorite Movie: THE CHEERLEADERS Favorite Song: Yo u ' re So Vain Most Recent Accomplishment: Favorite Scotch: Hop Ambition: Governor of Alabama Quote: As they talked, his words were many. National Lampoon 1 7
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Page 27 text:
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More Put Downs In Case of Emergency Scene: ASU Infirmary. Two thousand students are wedged inside the waiting room. Several bodies are suspiciously stiff and silent. Nurse Snook calls out a name periodically and patients shuffle through doors marked In Case of Emergency, Use Other Door. The front door slams open, maiming two dozen malingerers who are laying out of foreign language lab. A figure, almost recognizable as a man, worms its way to the reception desk. The figure has no arms or legs and is completely covered with blood. Figure: I need to see a doctor. Nurse Snook: Sign the register, sonny. No preferential treatment here. Figure: I can ' t. Nurse Snook: No signee. No helpee. Figure: I can ' t because I don ' t have any arms. N.S.: You ought to see a doctor about that. Figure: I ' m trying to. N.S.: Would you classify your illness an emergency? Figure: Yes, I would. N.S.: Well, fill out these emergency forms in triplicate and turn them over to me. Body breaks down in tears. At this point, a Clara Barton of the freshman class steps forward to assist the body. One by one the patients are treated until only two forms are remaining. Nurse Snook reappears. N.S.: Richard Mortice. Obviously not our limbless hero. N.S.: Is Richard Mortice here? Figure: I believe that was Richard Mortice, but he hasn ' t moved since I ' ve been here. N.S.: He must have had a rough day. Figure: I don ' t think he ' ll have to worry about that anymore. May I go on in? N.S.: Wait your turn. Mr. Mortice is next. Figure: But he ' s dead. N.S.: Let ' s not get personal. At this point the emergency door swings open and Dr. Ashby Evans emerges in full medical regalia. Dr. Evans: Follow me, son. Our hero flops off of his chair and squirms towards the back examination room. There Evans begins the examination. Evans: What ' s your problem, sport? Figure: I lost my arms in an accident. (continued on page 23) National Lampoon 1 9
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