Letters We Would Like To Receive Dear Senior Art Majors, You have been selected to serve on Bill Dunlap ' s Model Selection Committee for the coming school year. As a member of this committee, you will be asked to scrutinize carefully the nude bodies of the hundreds of volunteers. It will be your responsibility to ascertain the relative merits of each body as you conduct private interviews firsthand. You will be allowed to take photos at your discretion to enable you to fulfill the obligations of the post. Sincerely, Larry Edwards Chm. ArtDept. B. Y.O.N. Dear Second-Semester Freshman, Your pre-iegistered schedule has been accepted by the computer as complete. Every first choice course you requested was filled to your time specifications - no Tuesday-Thursday classes, no classes before twelve o ' clock or after three p.m., optional Friday lectures. In addition, each professor you designated personally requested in writing your presence in his section. It certainly is an honor to have you here at ASU. Dear Student, The campus observatory will hold private sessions this year, and you are one of a select few who will be allowed to participate in our Gaze at the Heavenly Bodies astronomy series. During the hours of 9 PM to 1 AM, our telescopes will focus on some of the shapeliest of the celestial formations. From the observatory, for example, every dorm window on campus is visible. We invite you to check out our new telephoto lens as we zoom in on the Big Dipper or Lapis Buns. As always, The Science Dept. Dear Students, Whitener Hall has received a truckload of X-rated films by mistake. They will be shown for a month and then be auctioned off to students. Administration Defendant No. 195-A-301, Narc. Div., It is the duty of the Watauga County Superior Court to inform you that your case has been nol prossed. It has been brought to the attention of the Superior Court that the kilo of evidence being held for your case was (but never do) misplaced during this year ' s annual Police Officer ' s Christmas Ball. All charges have subsequently been dropped. Dear Student, The Traffic Bureau of ASU proudly recognizes the major role you have played (and paid) in the last three years at ASU in making the Christmas bonuses for traffic cops so large. The board of directors has deemed it fitting, therefore, to name the new undergraduate parking lot in your honor. Ribbon cutting ceremonies will be held at your earliest convenience. Dear Student, T he registrar ' s office has uncovered a mistake in your favor. Last semester it was recorded that you received a letter grade of D in all your major subjects. Recently updating your file, we noticed a discrepancy. Your grades were in fact all A ' s. With this correction we removed your name from academic probation. The Dean of Academic Affairs has sent a personal letter of explanation to your parents and a personal letter of apology to you. As well, you will find enclosed a scholarship application for next semester. We beg your forgiveness. 1 6 National Lampoon
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