Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

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What is able to hide tall buildings with a single sign? What goes up faster than a speeding bullet? What causes more commotion than a locomotive? A Super Bigger Burger Franchise. just look for the golden bun in the sky If you ' re into burgers (and who isn ' t these days?), then you owe it to your palate to sink your back molars into our Super Bigger Burger, the butcherman ' s delight. So have it our way: a side of beef dragged through a produce bin and doused in our special sauce of mustard, ketchup and Mr. Pibb. We unconditionally guarantee a soggy shirt, or your money back. Get your arms around our jumbo sesame buns, the softest, warmest buns since Jill St. John ' s all day vigil and sun bath in the nude, and dig-in if you can lift it. Hernia insurance optional. So come on in. You. You ' re the one. We do it all for money. National Lampoon 13

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US: Officer, is there any single important statement you ' d like to close this interview with before we terminate this interview? 70: Yes, support your local police. The life you save may be your own. Execute Manson. Canonize JAWS. Legalize howitzers and vote no in eighty-foh. Wallace for King. US: (In conclusion, we asked the following question to Lary Gorgon, Head of Campus Security): Sir, what will happen to the apparently deranged officer 70? LG: In concurrence with our usual procedural method and conjunc- tion with university regulations, my whim, and the will of God. he shall be promoted. SCENE: CONTINUING ED CENTER; CONVENTION OF CAMPUS COPS, STATEWIDE TIME: WEEK BEFORE FALL SEMESTER Spokesman: Okay. men. Welcome to Boone. Now, how are we going to get back at those freaky student Communists who have taken over everything? How are we going to screw them to the wall? (Hands rise enthusiastically) Man in Front: Let ' s compile a list of names of every greasy longhair in the state and really gouge them every time they near a campus. Voice from the back: Good start, 9. And then we could give twice as many tickets on Friday afternoons when students are preparing to leave for home after classes. Another Man: How about if we give out tickets after five o ' clock? Voice from the back again: Yeah. Good one. IN THE RAIN. (Group breaks out in hysterics) One officer finally speaks out: What else? How else can we get those freak punks? Voice: Let ' s clamp their tires so that they can ' t go anywhere, and then lay low so that they can ' t find the man with the keys. Spokesman: Good touch. Officer 1. Real good. The old man with the keys routine. Nothing short of classic. Voice in the middle of a loud laugh: What about the tow truck? (Pandemonium) In unison: The tow truck! The tow truck! (Stomping feet in unison) The tow truck. Oh God! Voice: On homecoming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Voice: At the football game! (Roar) Oh God. The football game. (Celestial mirth) Voice: Shooiee. They ' ll sure squeal like stuck porkers. Officer 3: They ' ll be hotter ' n hell. Cussing and crying. (Entire convention in tears of joy) Spokesman: Oh Lord, it looks like we ' ll get ' em this year for sure. Voice from rear: Especially if we act like 1 gapers when they come to argue and then again when they ' re resigned to pay the fines. Spokesman: Oh man, that ' s heavenly. 9. And why don ' t we hire the bitchiest secretaries in Watauga County? Voice: In the world. Another voice: Never let up. (All collap se from exhaustion for laughing so hard) We got ' em. We got ' em We got ' em. (Pounding fists on the floor) BULLETIN: Ivy Hall . . . Appalachian State University senior Charles P. Froneyberger yesterday took his life attempting to pay off ASU traffic fines before graduation. Froneyberger, a four year resident of Ivy Hall, gave his eighth pint of blood this week to Appalachian South Blood Bank in an effort to raise enough funds to clean his slate at the traffic office, and in so doing, pushed his life signs past the danger point. Roommate Rodney Smithwicker related to newsmen how Froneyberger had sold his ' 59 Studebaker, cashed in his life insurance policy, and raided the Pantry ' s soft drink bottle bin in his unsuccessful drive to pay his fines. ASU officials issued the statement, We wish all Appalachian students were as dedicated to compliance with our traffic ordinances. 12 National Lampoon

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