Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

Page 20 text:

US: Officer, is there any single important statement you ' d like to close this interview with before we terminate this interview? 70: Yes, support your local police. The life you save may be your own. Execute Manson. Canonize JAWS. Legalize howitzers and vote no in eighty-foh. Wallace for King. US: (In conclusion, we asked the following question to Lary Gorgon, Head of Campus Security): Sir, what will happen to the apparently deranged officer 70? LG: In concurrence with our usual procedural method and conjunc- tion with university regulations, my whim, and the will of God. he shall be promoted. SCENE: CONTINUING ED CENTER; CONVENTION OF CAMPUS COPS, STATEWIDE TIME: WEEK BEFORE FALL SEMESTER Spokesman: Okay. men. Welcome to Boone. Now, how are we going to get back at those freaky student Communists who have taken over everything? How are we going to screw them to the wall? (Hands rise enthusiastically) Man in Front: Let ' s compile a list of names of every greasy longhair in the state and really gouge them every time they near a campus. Voice from the back: Good start, 9. And then we could give twice as many tickets on Friday afternoons when students are preparing to leave for home after classes. Another Man: How about if we give out tickets after five o ' clock? Voice from the back again: Yeah. Good one. IN THE RAIN. (Group breaks out in hysterics) One officer finally speaks out: What else? How else can we get those freak punks? Voice: Let ' s clamp their tires so that they can ' t go anywhere, and then lay low so that they can ' t find the man with the keys. Spokesman: Good touch. Officer 1. Real good. The old man with the keys routine. Nothing short of classic. Voice in the middle of a loud laugh: What about the tow truck? (Pandemonium) In unison: The tow truck! The tow truck! (Stomping feet in unison) The tow truck. Oh God! Voice: On homecoming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Voice: At the football game! (Roar) Oh God. The football game. (Celestial mirth) Voice: Shooiee. They ' ll sure squeal like stuck porkers. Officer 3: They ' ll be hotter ' n hell. Cussing and crying. (Entire convention in tears of joy) Spokesman: Oh Lord, it looks like we ' ll get ' em this year for sure. Voice from rear: Especially if we act like 1 gapers when they come to argue and then again when they ' re resigned to pay the fines. Spokesman: Oh man, that ' s heavenly. 9. And why don ' t we hire the bitchiest secretaries in Watauga County? Voice: In the world. Another voice: Never let up. (All collap se from exhaustion for laughing so hard) We got ' em. We got ' em We got ' em. (Pounding fists on the floor) BULLETIN: Ivy Hall . . . Appalachian State University senior Charles P. Froneyberger yesterday took his life attempting to pay off ASU traffic fines before graduation. Froneyberger, a four year resident of Ivy Hall, gave his eighth pint of blood this week to Appalachian South Blood Bank in an effort to raise enough funds to clean his slate at the traffic office, and in so doing, pushed his life signs past the danger point. Roommate Rodney Smithwicker related to newsmen how Froneyberger had sold his ' 59 Studebaker, cashed in his life insurance policy, and raided the Pantry ' s soft drink bottle bin in his unsuccessful drive to pay his fines. ASU officials issued the statement, We wish all Appalachian students were as dedicated to compliance with our traffic ordinances. 12 National Lampoon

Page 19 text:

Help Support Your Local Police ! Personal Interview With Officer No. 70 (Hang A Cop) JS: Why don ' t you begin by giving us a little personal background about yourself? 70: Because that ' s classified information. JS: How is it classified? flO: As trivial, irrelevant and hypo- thetically incredible. US: But what did you do before you became a guardian of peace, parking spaces and the American way? 70: Well, I spent ten years in the Marines as a mess officer. When I was discharged from the service I became a parking lot orderly with the City of Hickory but rose rapidly through the ranks to become a cop with a badge and gun and a tendency toward astounding statistics. US: Like what? 70: I apprehended more non- offenders than anyone else in the history of the force. I lost more pistols in a year than Barney Fife, and I cut my head with a razor eighty-six times in my three-year effort to precede Telly Savalas as the bald bombshell. US: What, sir, is the foremost duty of a campus security officer? 70: The first duty of an ASU campus security officer is to aid maidens in distress and ameliorate any sexists disputes that may arise within his jurisdiction or plain eye-sight. US: And in the absence of maidens? 70: To make chalk marks on suspicious tires, do wheelies in the Cushman vehicles, put yellow locking devices on any vehicles ' alleged to belong to hippies, impound any recreational chemicals stipulated as illegal by the State of North Carolina, the City of Boone, the ASU Security Office, the Code of Hammurabi or the Order of the Arrow, and to direct traffic away from any area where a fellow officer may be involved in an activity of amorous or obnoxious nature. US: Have you killed a man in the line of duty? 70: In the line of duty? No, I can ' t say as I have ... I did, however, with a double-bladed ax purchased from Farmers ' Hardware, decapitate and thus dispatch an illegally parked horse in front of Whitener Hall. For this act of valour (Br. spelling), I was decorated with streamers, Japanese lanterns, bows and the Congregational Medal of Horror. US: How do you perceive your relationship with the students on this campus? 70: Through sunglasses. US: Have you ever considered yourself an ambassador of good will? 70: No, I ' m as legitimate as the next fellow. US: No, you misconstrue the question 70: I never touched her. She made lewd suggestions, but I never laid a hand on the girl! US: No, wait officer. Let me paraphrase. . . 70: You ' ll have to step into the rest room for that. Innocent exposure is in violation of campus moral code 66666, which also states that it shall be illegal for any adult or college student to wear a mask in public. US: I ' ll put it in simple language: what do you think the students think of you? 70: Well, to benign with, I suppose they see me as a farther figure, a fine fiddle of a man, a lone ranger alert for the major offenses that can begin a revolution and as a counselor who might guide them to a better way of life. US: And what do you think of their fads and interests, for example, transcendental meditation? 70: It will make hair grow on the palms of their hands and drive them crazy. Will also make them important and unable to have Apps of their own some day. US: What about drinking? 70: I ' m against it. It ' s becoming an over-rated feature of our subourbon culture that begins in the formative years. And God does not approve. US: What about the brief costumes worn by the co-eds in the spring and early fall. 70: Now I can ' t see anything harmful in that. A man would have to be perverse to think vile thoughts about those little girls who run about with their tawny underbellies soaking up the sun, their sleek thighs rubbing up enough friction to start a forest fire, their posterior hemispheres hobbling about like two possums in a sack . . . US: Ok, officer, ok . . . 70: Their sleek melons swaying like metaphysical truths ungirded to the elements . . . US: Stop, somebody stop him, call security! 70: Their rosy tongues stroking their prurient lips, their fuzzy . . . 70: Armpits unfurling sensual tendrils in the wind, etc. National Lampoon 11

Page 21 text:

What is able to hide tall buildings with a single sign? What goes up faster than a speeding bullet? What causes more commotion than a locomotive? A Super Bigger Burger Franchise. just look for the golden bun in the sky If you ' re into burgers (and who isn ' t these days?), then you owe it to your palate to sink your back molars into our Super Bigger Burger, the butcherman ' s delight. So have it our way: a side of beef dragged through a produce bin and doused in our special sauce of mustard, ketchup and Mr. Pibb. We unconditionally guarantee a soggy shirt, or your money back. Get your arms around our jumbo sesame buns, the softest, warmest buns since Jill St. John ' s all day vigil and sun bath in the nude, and dig-in if you can lift it. Hernia insurance optional. So come on in. You. You ' re the one. We do it all for money. National Lampoon 13