Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

Page 17 text:

Downs Downs Downs Downs Paper off the Year The Appalachian, campus newspaper at ASU, was given the singular honor of Student Newspaper of the Year by the John Jay Audubon Society. In a poll taken at the 51st Annual Convention and Suet-Toss, The Appalachian was selected by a majority of bird lovers as the newspaper most frequently used to cover a bird cage bottom. Lost and ? BULLETIN: Broome-Kirk Gym . . . Melinda Lou Pushy, an up and coming freshman at Appalachian State University, was listed missing today by her parents, Claude and Odelia Pushy of Bushy Fork, N.C. Fearing another kidnapping a la Patty Hearst, the Pushys contacted the State Bureau of Investigation, the Salvation Army, Billy Graham, and then attempted to reach Broderick Crawford by long distance. A bit hysterical, Mrs. Pushy related that Melinda Lou never even spent the night away from home before we brought her to this place, According to observers Melinda Lou was last seen at registration in Varsity Gym somewhere between the Philosophy Department and Folk and Social Dancing. She was seen at that time pulling her hair and chewing on a number 2 lead pencil. Boone police interrogated all on-the- scene, suspicious characters, infuriating more than twenty professors who were already late for supper. Take Out or Throw Out In a report on campus expenditures, consumer advocate Ralph Nadir unwrapped a discrepancy in funds spent in the ASU cafeteria system. After completing a Gold Room meal of cottage cheese croquettes, marinated left-overs, and Crapple Pan Doughty, Nadir questioned the wisdom of the allocation of $2000 of student fees for the purchase of doggie bags. I Predict: Predictions for ' 76- ' 77 by Joan Dixon 1. Everything will get worse before it gets better, especially sex after eighty. 2. Chocolate will melt in the sun. 3. Aliens from Planet X will descend upon New York looking for typical human specimens and return to their planet empty-handed. 4. Gene Shalit will shave his head and moustache to reveal his true identity: Daffy Duck. 5. Henry Kissinger will bring peace to the Mid-East but receive walking papers from wife, Nancy. 6. This year ' s yearbook will win the Nobel Prize for Literature, and copy editors R.T. Smith and Jack Dillard will casually decline it. 7. A Second Renaissance will emanate from the ASU campus and spread to all corners of the globe. 8. A brighter day in the job market: World War III is just around the bend. 9. Gerald Ford will appoint Euell Gibbons Secretary of Agriculture, and the wild hickory nut will become the national nut. 10. Woody Allen will portray Charles Manson in Sam Peckinpah ' s version of Helter Skelter, and he will subse- quently be attacked by the Daughters of the American Revolution, then drawn and quartered, pleaing insanity all the while. Appalachian North Apartment ' s Lease The undersigned, hereafter known as the leachee, agrees to comply with the terms of the lease as set forth by management, hereafter known as the leacher, for the period of one year.f 1. Leachee will put on deposit, also known as damage and clean-up fee, the sum of $1000 to defray the cost of any damage which may occur to the apartment during lease period. The deposit will be returned immediately on the unlikely event that the following conditions are met: A. Leachee will re-upholster all furniture B. wash and wax the kitchen floor beneath all kitchen appliances, i.e. stove, refrigerator, without moving them C. mow the entire lawn of Appalachian North Apartments D. resurrect Jesus from the dead E. bring peace to the Mid East 2. In the event of death of leachee or non-payment of rent, leacher reserves the right to sell the corpse of leachee to Duke U. Med School. texcept in the case of leap years in which case the lease period extends to the life of leachee National Lampoon 9

Page 19 text:

Help Support Your Local Police ! Personal Interview With Officer No. 70 (Hang A Cop) JS: Why don ' t you begin by giving us a little personal background about yourself? 70: Because that ' s classified information. JS: How is it classified? flO: As trivial, irrelevant and hypo- thetically incredible. US: But what did you do before you became a guardian of peace, parking spaces and the American way? 70: Well, I spent ten years in the Marines as a mess officer. When I was discharged from the service I became a parking lot orderly with the City of Hickory but rose rapidly through the ranks to become a cop with a badge and gun and a tendency toward astounding statistics. US: Like what? 70: I apprehended more non- offenders than anyone else in the history of the force. I lost more pistols in a year than Barney Fife, and I cut my head with a razor eighty-six times in my three-year effort to precede Telly Savalas as the bald bombshell. US: What, sir, is the foremost duty of a campus security officer? 70: The first duty of an ASU campus security officer is to aid maidens in distress and ameliorate any sexists disputes that may arise within his jurisdiction or plain eye-sight. US: And in the absence of maidens? 70: To make chalk marks on suspicious tires, do wheelies in the Cushman vehicles, put yellow locking devices on any vehicles ' alleged to belong to hippies, impound any recreational chemicals stipulated as illegal by the State of North Carolina, the City of Boone, the ASU Security Office, the Code of Hammurabi or the Order of the Arrow, and to direct traffic away from any area where a fellow officer may be involved in an activity of amorous or obnoxious nature. US: Have you killed a man in the line of duty? 70: In the line of duty? No, I can ' t say as I have ... I did, however, with a double-bladed ax purchased from Farmers ' Hardware, decapitate and thus dispatch an illegally parked horse in front of Whitener Hall. For this act of valour (Br. spelling), I was decorated with streamers, Japanese lanterns, bows and the Congregational Medal of Horror. US: How do you perceive your relationship with the students on this campus? 70: Through sunglasses. US: Have you ever considered yourself an ambassador of good will? 70: No, I ' m as legitimate as the next fellow. US: No, you misconstrue the question 70: I never touched her. She made lewd suggestions, but I never laid a hand on the girl! US: No, wait officer. Let me paraphrase. . . 70: You ' ll have to step into the rest room for that. Innocent exposure is in violation of campus moral code 66666, which also states that it shall be illegal for any adult or college student to wear a mask in public. US: I ' ll put it in simple language: what do you think the students think of you? 70: Well, to benign with, I suppose they see me as a farther figure, a fine fiddle of a man, a lone ranger alert for the major offenses that can begin a revolution and as a counselor who might guide them to a better way of life. US: And what do you think of their fads and interests, for example, transcendental meditation? 70: It will make hair grow on the palms of their hands and drive them crazy. Will also make them important and unable to have Apps of their own some day. US: What about drinking? 70: I ' m against it. It ' s becoming an over-rated feature of our subourbon culture that begins in the formative years. And God does not approve. US: What about the brief costumes worn by the co-eds in the spring and early fall. 70: Now I can ' t see anything harmful in that. A man would have to be perverse to think vile thoughts about those little girls who run about with their tawny underbellies soaking up the sun, their sleek thighs rubbing up enough friction to start a forest fire, their posterior hemispheres hobbling about like two possums in a sack . . . US: Ok, officer, ok . . . 70: Their sleek melons swaying like metaphysical truths ungirded to the elements . . . US: Stop, somebody stop him, call security! 70: Their rosy tongues stroking their prurient lips, their fuzzy . . . 70: Armpits unfurling sensual tendrils in the wind, etc. National Lampoon 11