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Page 17 text:
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Downs Downs Downs Downs Paper off the Year The Appalachian, campus newspaper at ASU, was given the singular honor of Student Newspaper of the Year by the John Jay Audubon Society. In a poll taken at the 51st Annual Convention and Suet-Toss, The Appalachian was selected by a majority of bird lovers as the newspaper most frequently used to cover a bird cage bottom. Lost and ? BULLETIN: Broome-Kirk Gym . . . Melinda Lou Pushy, an up and coming freshman at Appalachian State University, was listed missing today by her parents, Claude and Odelia Pushy of Bushy Fork, N.C. Fearing another kidnapping a la Patty Hearst, the Pushys contacted the State Bureau of Investigation, the Salvation Army, Billy Graham, and then attempted to reach Broderick Crawford by long distance. A bit hysterical, Mrs. Pushy related that Melinda Lou never even spent the night away from home before we brought her to this place, According to observers Melinda Lou was last seen at registration in Varsity Gym somewhere between the Philosophy Department and Folk and Social Dancing. She was seen at that time pulling her hair and chewing on a number 2 lead pencil. Boone police interrogated all on-the- scene, suspicious characters, infuriating more than twenty professors who were already late for supper. Take Out or Throw Out In a report on campus expenditures, consumer advocate Ralph Nadir unwrapped a discrepancy in funds spent in the ASU cafeteria system. After completing a Gold Room meal of cottage cheese croquettes, marinated left-overs, and Crapple Pan Doughty, Nadir questioned the wisdom of the allocation of $2000 of student fees for the purchase of doggie bags. I Predict: Predictions for ' 76- ' 77 by Joan Dixon 1. Everything will get worse before it gets better, especially sex after eighty. 2. Chocolate will melt in the sun. 3. Aliens from Planet X will descend upon New York looking for typical human specimens and return to their planet empty-handed. 4. Gene Shalit will shave his head and moustache to reveal his true identity: Daffy Duck. 5. Henry Kissinger will bring peace to the Mid-East but receive walking papers from wife, Nancy. 6. This year ' s yearbook will win the Nobel Prize for Literature, and copy editors R.T. Smith and Jack Dillard will casually decline it. 7. A Second Renaissance will emanate from the ASU campus and spread to all corners of the globe. 8. A brighter day in the job market: World War III is just around the bend. 9. Gerald Ford will appoint Euell Gibbons Secretary of Agriculture, and the wild hickory nut will become the national nut. 10. Woody Allen will portray Charles Manson in Sam Peckinpah ' s version of Helter Skelter, and he will subse- quently be attacked by the Daughters of the American Revolution, then drawn and quartered, pleaing insanity all the while. Appalachian North Apartment ' s Lease The undersigned, hereafter known as the leachee, agrees to comply with the terms of the lease as set forth by management, hereafter known as the leacher, for the period of one year.f 1. Leachee will put on deposit, also known as damage and clean-up fee, the sum of $1000 to defray the cost of any damage which may occur to the apartment during lease period. The deposit will be returned immediately on the unlikely event that the following conditions are met: A. Leachee will re-upholster all furniture B. wash and wax the kitchen floor beneath all kitchen appliances, i.e. stove, refrigerator, without moving them C. mow the entire lawn of Appalachian North Apartments D. resurrect Jesus from the dead E. bring peace to the Mid East 2. In the event of death of leachee or non-payment of rent, leacher reserves the right to sell the corpse of leachee to Duke U. Med School. texcept in the case of leap years in which case the lease period extends to the life of leachee National Lampoon 9
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Page 16 text:
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Put Downs Down Midnight Rituals Rhodo Rejects For six months workmen chopped and dug, poured and pounded, smoothed and poured and pounded more on the east end of Sanford Mall, and the result is a huge, ornate stone fountain, a structure that certainly enhances the campus ' complexion. And the huge circle of stones also has its functional purpose; it is used by the astronomy department to take star shots, thereby predicting eclipses, astral collisions, sidereal occlusions and other miscellaneous heavenly machinations. No doubt the extent of our scientific knowledge will be broadened by the nocturnal calcu- lations that occur among the trilothons and lentils of the fountain. By day, young lovers lounge about the spewing waters of the fountain, soaking up the sun and wind, listening to the sun ' s serenade through the sieve of the frothy spray. All these benefits of the new construction we appreciate and enjoy, yet we feel that we cannot endorse the further activities that occur amid the carefully hewn rock. By night, when the astronomers are abed and the lovers are curled in the waxy fist of sleep, certain celebrants in hooded robes bear torches to the fountains. Chants older than the gods themselves soar like bats among the skeletal branches of the few remaining trees, and the priests and devotees of obscene rites enter the quadrant to enact their grotesque mysteries, to perform their homages to idols on the stones they use for an altar. This periodic performance is an abomina- tion and a slur on the reputation of our university, and we strongly endorse immediate vigilante action to eliminate the barbarous threat to our health, sanity and security. These bearers of the blade raised at midnight must not be permitted to walk among us by day and abduct our precious virgins by night for their profane rituals. They must be halted, and the task is in our hands. Fellow students, arise and erase this blot from our Laundry Services. Take arms amid this sea of troubles and attack! The only group on campus to bring home a national championship was the 1975-76 version of the varsity Reject Team. The squad was comprised (by national requirement) of offbeat, multi-untalented, bottom-of-the- deckers who aspire to make nose- picking the national pastime. This year ' s Reject Team, which coincident- ally doubles as The Rhododendron staff, is captained by none other than Miss Reject ASU, Miriam West, known affectionately by her squad as fearful Leader. She is pursuing a fine arts degree in Bungle. Several followers believe that she has fulfilled the requirements for the degree already, summa cum laude. Assistant to the Captain, Don Smith, has equally impressive non-qualifications, dazzling enough to be selected for an unprecedented fourth consecutive year to the All American Reject Team, First Squad. Smith, ASU ' s Fool-in- Residence, also known as Drivel Don, rejected six-figure offers from the NRL to turn pro, opting instead to return to the ASU till where he keeps his hands in gold as business manager of the Rhododendron. Many people are convinced that Smith will be taking a big cut in payola if he signs the six-figure contract. Next in line, the village idiots, the Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee of Tweedledom, the Frick and Frack of misplaced modifiers, the Mutt and Jeff of comic book mentality. Rhododen- dron copy editors, R.T. Smith and Jack Dillard. Not since the days of Amos and Kingfish and the Mystic Knights of the Sea Lodge have two slovenly, shoe-shuffling four-flushers ascended the throne of incompetence with such fanfare. All of Boone and America are cheering in classic Bronx style the perverted antics and the anti-literary hi-jinks of this foul pair of Bukowski disciplines who couldn ' t pick a dangling participle out of a tub of Baptists. It is doubtful whether so much pomp and ceremony choreo- graphed, produced and directed by this pair has ever culminated in such lack of achievement anywhere on the face of this earth. In obnoxiousness they simply have no peers. Picking up the fallen crest of inadequacy at this point and carrying it to new heights are the two layout editors (and they lay-out in all contexts), Brenda Burris and Steve Yaeger, know-it-all laureates as different as East and Mae West. The Botch and Bunkum of the burlesque stage known as ASU, Burris and Yaeger have directly caused the rewriting of all Folack jokes. Masters of buck-passing and buck-spending, these workhorses, on loan from the Washington zoo, form the nucleus of the ASU Reject offensive squad, which was voted most offensive by a panel of Avon salespersons from Bundtcake, Nebraska. Completing the first team, resident red-head and Howdy Dowdy lookalike, Mike Dupree, voted most underrated lout on campus by his peers, revels in his perpetration of tedium at ASU. The walls of Workman Hall reverberate with Mike ' s proverbs of inanity. These very walls violate Boone litter laws and probably the first through fifth amendments by displaying Art Editor Mike Dupree ' s juvenile attempts at art that he calls art Nouveau. Go ahead and put a fancy name on it, Mike, but it still receives the same criticism: art no-go. Normally, a Reject Team makes it or breaks it with its first string, but the level of incompetence and foul-play was so extreme on ASU ' s varsity that Coach McCaskey felt that some due mention should be made of the second string and of the fact that a scrimmage of the two squads was headlined across the nation as the Reject Game of the Century. Controversy arose during the quarter-finals of the NCAA play-offs over the status of the staff photographers who hold PhD ' s in Ineptitude. The amateur standing of these squad members was upheld when Editor West revealed samples of their work which dispelled beyond a shadow of a doubt all accusations of their professionalism. The trophy was ours. National Lampoon
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