Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

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Tales of Indigestion, Heartburn, and Diarrhea FOOD SERVICES A GUT ISSUE The Appalachian jjourmct has a vast variety of culinary experiences from which to choose awaiting him on campus. Perhaps the most expensive (j)er volume) nutriment facilities are the numberous quick-snack machines scattered about the campus like reslrooms. At these machines one may purchase candy-bars, such as Grounds, Reese ' s Cups (3b-C). Mr. GiH dbad, or others. Some machines also dispense cheat crackers and peanutbutter crackers. Other machines merely dispense with the hungry snacker ' s appetite (or his money). The drink machines available contain canned drinks (two cents worth of can and eleven cents worth of Dr. Pecker, Peppi, Mt. Drew or Roca Rola) for thirty cents. Gum (arable) and occasional sandwiches (for all occasions, perhaps, except meals) are also available. Popcorn, peanuts and cookies fill a few of the better machines, and if you ' re not averse to the old tilt method, some of these machines provide lots of action. Unfortunately, crowds often congregate about these machines, the greatest concentration of which may be found in the Appskclter in the student center, and discuss marinated moon pies or the proper wine to accompany milk. When these unfortunate episodes occur, the hungry App may have to resort to the more stable munching facilities on campus, such as the ice cream bar in the Appskeleton, where many flavors of fro en milk arc available, along with G.I. coffee and doughboynuts or cigarettes (for the light eater). Another place (designated nutritive c onsumption area, for those in the College of Human Learning and Development) one can find a nutritious meal is the Bavarian Inn (B.I. or Grease Hall), where overpriced hamburgers, yogurt, drinks (non- alcoholic, of course), pies, pi . ,en and French Flies are served round the cIcKk, round the table and rounded off to the nearest five dollars. The university provides entertainment in the form of a soulful juke box and Monlc uma ' s Revenge. For the discriminating feeder, the university cafeteria, managed by Genghis Khan and Herod, offers vegetables, frozen fruit, meat, desserts, milk and other assorted miracles of the kitchen. The lines are never longer than two hundred feet, the food never worse than a jack rabbit caught in a window fan. One of the invigorating novelties of the cafeteria is the noise, perhaps the loudest anywhere on campus, with the possible exception of the B.I. (see previous box score). In the cafeteria, one can dine among students, administrators, professors and hang- on vagabonds just off the North-bound freight (which doesn ' t come within fifty miles of Boone). Jazz musicians, garbagemcn, poets, jocks (the athletes, not the supporters), frat-rats, beauty queens, queens, biM)k worms, hook wDrms, grad students, undergrad studs and an occasional famous person or two can all be seen rubbing salad forks in this well-lit repository of food that you just wouldn ' t believe. The Gold Room. Home of magical fiK)d and the salad bar, land of fiery fudge cake and the rinky-tink piano of David Balfour, sanctuary of mushrotim infested steaks and non-nuclear submarines. With a breathtaking view of the tops of spruce trees and waitresses as gorgeous as Kate Smith and Golda Meir, the Gold Room offers the most convenient opportunity for the hapless undergraduate to dispose of his meal tickets before he knows what hit him. Many famous gourmets, including King Gargantua, Squire Westen, and Linda Lovelace have allowed their names to be used in connection with Appalachian ' s famous Gold Room. Opulence. What do you think of when you ' re hungry and you hear that word? The restaurant on the mountain, the Top of the Mark, none other than ASU ' s Center for Continuing Motel Education, where gentlemen in red coats and foxy coeds lead you to your table and serve you steaks, baked potatoes with globs of fresh butter, cream cheese, bacon bits and cloves, but no wine. (That only goes on in the rooms, such as the I ' resident ' s Sweet (oops, indiscretion •♦♦|) You can sit between the huge picture window with its panoramic view of the Southern Highlands and the tremendous mounlainstone fireplace and sip iced tea among conventioning educators (many of whom have not seen a student face to face since Kent State) and swap gossip with state legislators and their daughters. You can stand under the black shellacked carriage and listen to the tranquilizing white sound muzak, sit in the chair that Richard Nixon sat in for his coronation and perform you ablutions in the identical rest room used by Robert Penn Warren, Bill Dunlap. John Foster West and Marilyn Chambers. From these examples, you can infer that ASU does not lack for variety of eating places, and no one has ever committed suicide in an ASU refectory. According to all reports, all fatalities in these facilities have been involuntary and unexplained. The Boone Police and AST ards couldn ' t explain thi i ihcy involved parking violatioas. But don ' t take our word for it: hon appetil. '

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Put Downs Down Midnight Rituals Rhodo Rejects For six months workmen chopped and dug, poured and pounded, smoothed and poured and pounded more on the east end of Sanford Mall, and the result is a huge, ornate stone fountain, a structure that certainly enhances the campus ' complexion. And the huge circle of stones also has its functional purpose; it is used by the astronomy department to take star shots, thereby predicting eclipses, astral collisions, sidereal occlusions and other miscellaneous heavenly machinations. No doubt the extent of our scientific knowledge will be broadened by the nocturnal calcu- lations that occur among the trilothons and lentils of the fountain. By day, young lovers lounge about the spewing waters of the fountain, soaking up the sun and wind, listening to the sun ' s serenade through the sieve of the frothy spray. All these benefits of the new construction we appreciate and enjoy, yet we feel that we cannot endorse the further activities that occur amid the carefully hewn rock. By night, when the astronomers are abed and the lovers are curled in the waxy fist of sleep, certain celebrants in hooded robes bear torches to the fountains. Chants older than the gods themselves soar like bats among the skeletal branches of the few remaining trees, and the priests and devotees of obscene rites enter the quadrant to enact their grotesque mysteries, to perform their homages to idols on the stones they use for an altar. This periodic performance is an abomina- tion and a slur on the reputation of our university, and we strongly endorse immediate vigilante action to eliminate the barbarous threat to our health, sanity and security. These bearers of the blade raised at midnight must not be permitted to walk among us by day and abduct our precious virgins by night for their profane rituals. They must be halted, and the task is in our hands. Fellow students, arise and erase this blot from our Laundry Services. Take arms amid this sea of troubles and attack! The only group on campus to bring home a national championship was the 1975-76 version of the varsity Reject Team. The squad was comprised (by national requirement) of offbeat, multi-untalented, bottom-of-the- deckers who aspire to make nose- picking the national pastime. This year ' s Reject Team, which coincident- ally doubles as The Rhododendron staff, is captained by none other than Miss Reject ASU, Miriam West, known affectionately by her squad as fearful Leader. She is pursuing a fine arts degree in Bungle. Several followers believe that she has fulfilled the requirements for the degree already, summa cum laude. Assistant to the Captain, Don Smith, has equally impressive non-qualifications, dazzling enough to be selected for an unprecedented fourth consecutive year to the All American Reject Team, First Squad. Smith, ASU ' s Fool-in- Residence, also known as Drivel Don, rejected six-figure offers from the NRL to turn pro, opting instead to return to the ASU till where he keeps his hands in gold as business manager of the Rhododendron. Many people are convinced that Smith will be taking a big cut in payola if he signs the six-figure contract. Next in line, the village idiots, the Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee of Tweedledom, the Frick and Frack of misplaced modifiers, the Mutt and Jeff of comic book mentality. Rhododen- dron copy editors, R.T. Smith and Jack Dillard. Not since the days of Amos and Kingfish and the Mystic Knights of the Sea Lodge have two slovenly, shoe-shuffling four-flushers ascended the throne of incompetence with such fanfare. All of Boone and America are cheering in classic Bronx style the perverted antics and the anti-literary hi-jinks of this foul pair of Bukowski disciplines who couldn ' t pick a dangling participle out of a tub of Baptists. It is doubtful whether so much pomp and ceremony choreo- graphed, produced and directed by this pair has ever culminated in such lack of achievement anywhere on the face of this earth. In obnoxiousness they simply have no peers. Picking up the fallen crest of inadequacy at this point and carrying it to new heights are the two layout editors (and they lay-out in all contexts), Brenda Burris and Steve Yaeger, know-it-all laureates as different as East and Mae West. The Botch and Bunkum of the burlesque stage known as ASU, Burris and Yaeger have directly caused the rewriting of all Folack jokes. Masters of buck-passing and buck-spending, these workhorses, on loan from the Washington zoo, form the nucleus of the ASU Reject offensive squad, which was voted most offensive by a panel of Avon salespersons from Bundtcake, Nebraska. Completing the first team, resident red-head and Howdy Dowdy lookalike, Mike Dupree, voted most underrated lout on campus by his peers, revels in his perpetration of tedium at ASU. The walls of Workman Hall reverberate with Mike ' s proverbs of inanity. These very walls violate Boone litter laws and probably the first through fifth amendments by displaying Art Editor Mike Dupree ' s juvenile attempts at art that he calls art Nouveau. Go ahead and put a fancy name on it, Mike, but it still receives the same criticism: art no-go. Normally, a Reject Team makes it or breaks it with its first string, but the level of incompetence and foul-play was so extreme on ASU ' s varsity that Coach McCaskey felt that some due mention should be made of the second string and of the fact that a scrimmage of the two squads was headlined across the nation as the Reject Game of the Century. Controversy arose during the quarter-finals of the NCAA play-offs over the status of the staff photographers who hold PhD ' s in Ineptitude. The amateur standing of these squad members was upheld when Editor West revealed samples of their work which dispelled beyond a shadow of a doubt all accusations of their professionalism. The trophy was ours. National Lampoon