Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

Page 13 text:

Dear Readers: Thought that I would write and let you know that Dad is getting along fine, he only limps on election days now. Contrary to rumors, he is not getting a face-lift; he ' s trying to save all the face he can. David and I are getting along famously (we held hands again this week). Love and kisses, Julie and David E. Sirs: Great is our bliss and blessed is our campus. Our infirmary ' s doctor maintains that he ' s never seen a case of syphillis here. Our chancellor has never heard of a case of rape at ASU. And a bicycle race across the state is beginning in Boone. Surely Liebnitz was right; this is the best of all possible worlds. Doctor Pangloss Sirs: In response to your personality profile on me last month, I wish to note that I arrived on your campus long after the football team lost its fight. I did not eat it. E. Gibbons Sirs: Since I first got into the multi-media business, I have never seen such structured chaos — sound, sight and odor-wise — as Appalachian State University. It is a pleasure to be here. Marshall M. McCluhan Sirs, All in all, I would say, this year ' s Rhododendron fills a much-needed void. T. Capote Sirs: It is with great pride and genuine warmth that I make this announce- ment to the pig-dogs of American society: there is another man in my life besides Charles Manson. It all started innocently enough with my protest over my earlier failure to subpoena Charlie as a witness in my trial. I refused to enter the courtroom under my own leg power at that point. That ' s when Mr. Right came into my life. That pig-dog fascist judge assigned Mr. He-Man Big Muscles to carry me into court each day. Secretly, I stopped protesting the point early in the trial, but enjoyed the bodily contact so much that I kept up the act. Now we are engaged to be married as soon as I am released from prison and after Mr. Right burns the Supreme Court in effigy. Don ' t tell Charlie. He might do something drastic. Love, Squeaky P.S. We ' re going to name our first child Gerald. Sirs: I can ' t take it any more. Every time I tell a lie my nose grows another inch. Already I have the best hung nose in Watauga County, and the end is nowhere in sight. My problem regards my nose. I have had a large number of indecent proposals from campus coeds, which I don ' t mind, but lately I have come to the conclusion that they only love me for my nose. What can I do? R. Nixon Sirs: Lately I have experienced the most unusual behavior. Every time I hear Gerald Ford ' s name mentioned, I break out into uncontrollable fits of laughter. The public library has threatened to take away my library card, and NBC is trying to hire me as a one-man laugh track. I ' m not a traitor, am I? S. Ervin Sirs: After all, who is the bull goose loony here? Chief Broom starts an escort service to save potential rape victims. He wants to tone things down, avoid a scare, a panic. Has the Chief been undergoing shock treatment? Next, he ' ll have his geese forming vigilante committees to round up all blacks on campus after dark. Sometimes I get a great notion to choke Chief Broom. Cuckoo K. Kesey Sirs: Imagine what it ' s like, being one of a kind, an endangered species in this area. I have no one to discuss my troubles with, no one to enter into consultation with, no one for empathy. It all makes me sick. Why can ' t we have another campus doctor here? We could hire a full-time doctor and make a beginning towards establishing a campus dentist on what the popular programs committee spent on Linda Ronstadt and tried to spend on Stephen Stills. What will I do if there ' s a buddy-check? Dr. E. Ashby Sirs, I am in love with my Philosophy professor who is not of my religion or nationality. He is divorced, a hard drinker and thirty-five years my senior. Do you think I should marry him, and if so, what color dress should I wear? Baffled Sirs: What kind of school is ASU anyway? The flavor of books in the campus library is strictly cottage cheese. I haven ' t eaten this blandly since my apprenticeship days in Pat Boone ' s private library. Hey. I ' ve come a long way up the ladder. I ' ve paid my dues. You don ' t do this to a worm of my standing. Perhaps you folks don ' t know the rules. Perhaps labor management would like to hear about my situation. Stop putting so much attention on the woolly worm and get back to basics, man. It ' s all a hoax, anyway. Every worm knows that. Just a good PR man in the woolly worm stables. So wise up. Spice up the content. Increase the pagination. You ' re building a reputation of drab. Concerned, A. Book Worm National Lampoon 5

Page 12 text:

Embarrassing Moments in History 200 YEARS AGO TODAY American History is filled with humorous situations, particularly the Revolutionary War. This almost eight year long struggle was permeated with incidents, most stemming from the disorganization of our forces, especially the militias, and the typical fun-loving spirit of the American people, no less evident then than now. Most of these anecdotes, possibly not so hilarious then as they are today, will be lost forever. To avoid total amnesia of the lighter side of American History, here we present true facts, embellished as they may be, for your education. The war was almost begun prematurely in Boston with an event infamously tagged - The Boston Massacre. British soldiers were sent to Boston to act as police. These men were scattered throughout the city in rented quarters, rather than in common barracks, and this led to constant quarrels with the citizens. Bostonians have never been known to enjoy persecution without revenge, so fights in bars and alleys were common. One afternoon, some citizens allowed their usual ostracization to escalate into a full-scale snowball fight. Soon, some rebel decided rocks flew better and so exchanged ammunition. Tempers rose, and the group turned into a mob. Taunting and harassing the soldiers, soon shots were fired into the crowd. Five citizens died as a result. Rumors ran rampant and soon this massacre inflamed the people to the point that they poured out into the streets and the militia was called out. Quick action by G overnor Hutchinson quieted things down, though. which was quite lucky, as they were almost five years early. To say the battle of Trenton was chaotic would be an understatement. Four thousand men ran from house-to-house and marched up and down the streets in the rain, hail, sleet, and snow. As the British marched through the town, they readied their muskets in anticipation of the enemy. The Americans were ready, however. They hid in the attics of houses on the streets, and took pot-shots at the foreigners as they marched by. The British were helpless as their guns were wet and wouldn ' t fire. Yankee ingenuity pulled us out and struck a powerful blow to British morale. Washington moved in with his troops and we won the battle. To think that three regiments of England ' s finest were forced to surrender to a handful of rough-shod militia roused the Americans, and the militias grew rapidly. A rather embarrassing incident pre- ceded the demoralizing defeat of the American forces at Camden. Billed as the most disastrous defeat ever inflicted on an American army, at least partial blame can be placed on the unfortunate condition of the soldiers. General Horatio Gates ordered full rations for his men the night before their intended charge. Unable to get the rum he had promised his men, he settled for a different medicine sourghum molasses was brought down from Virginia, and his men feasted (?) on half-cooked meat, bread, and corn meal mush mixed with the molasses. This had a rather potent effect on their digestive tracts, and when it came time to advance, the soldiers were literally caught with their pants down. At the battle of Princeton, the Americans pulled yet another sneaky trick. British General Cornwallis had forced Washington and his troops into somewhat of a trap. Night fell and Washington had been able to hold off the enemy. This was little consolation, though, because he knew that the rest would bring another charge at dawn, probably ending in his defeat. In a valiant, although whacky, attempt to win, Washington decided they must escape during the night. He assigned 400 men to dig trenches, making lots of noise, to fool the British. Tremendous bonfires raged throughout the night to strengthen the hoax. At one a.m., the troops departed. The wheels of the cannon and wagons were wrapped with rags to make them silent. Muskets were handled carefully, and orders passed by whisper. The entire army escaped down the road immediately in front of the British lines and fled to safety in the dark. No doubt you ' ve heard of that great American hero, Paul Revere. Well, old Paul really enjoyed his evening, yelling about the redcoats and all. According to the history books. Revere was not really the savior. Another citizen was appointed to warn the city in the event of an attack. Revere decided he wanted to help, so he followed close behind. Apparently, the bars were rather crowded, as Revere stopped at about four or five taverns. When the redcoats finally arrived. Revere was found drunk in the streets, and captured. 4 National Lampoon

Page 14 text:

' -.! ? fe ' • ,