Appalachian State University - Rhododendron Yearbook (Boone, NC)

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W £EIHi MARCH ,iife Conversation With George and Martha Vlartha: Alright, George, I want to Mother ' s, wouldn ' t you? mow where the hell you ' ve been all vinter. George: You ' ve got me pegged all wrong, Martha. I ' m Father of our jeorge: Valley Forge, Martha. Country. that I ' ve had a rough winter, and I need to thaw out. Martha: So you think you know what cold is? Well you just don ' t know Martha Washington. It ' s going to be a Vlartha: Yeah, sure, and I ' m the little Martha: Just what do you mean by f ' . P ' ° - guaran-damn- •ed hen. that, George? tee that. jeorge: No, no, Martha, you don ' t inderstand. My troops were snowed in here at Valley Forge. Vlartha: Oh, come on. Do you expect Tie to believe that 25,000 grown men :amped out during the coldest winter n 20 years? jeorge: It ' s true, Martha. It was niserable. Frostbite. Chilbain. Starvation. Siartha: George Washington, you ' d io anything to get out of Christmas at George: I mean that ' s what everybody calls me. Martha: And why do they call you that, Mr. Stud Washington? George: It ' s not what you think, Martha. I haven ' t seen a woman in three months. Martha: And what am I, chopped liver? George: I don ' t mean to imply anything of the sort, Martha. It ' s just George: Don ' t be unfair, Martha. We ' re embroiled in a revolution. We ' ve been working on a Declaration of Independence to free us all from the British pigdogs. Martha: Is that right? George: Cross my heart, Martha. Martha: Okay, George, you go ahead and declare independence, but I want you back in this house by 9 o ' clock. You savvy? George: Yes, Martha. National Lampoon 3

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Everywhere I look I see another G.D. ism poking its ugly snout into my business, uprooting a lot of unsound ideas about God and love and grocery bags until I want to shout, That ' s it! I ' ve had enough of your nosing about. It ' s ism this, and ism that. Pull another ism out of the hat until my hatband has faded to gray. We ' ve got to do something, and the sooner the better. No time for panty waist, ad hoc syllogisms or post-fetal dream schemes. Everyone ' s waiting with bad breath already. We need to take a stand now. A grandstand! Let ' s see, there ' s one in Philly, and how appropriate; just in time for the last Bicentennial minute and the most disgusting ism of all, commercialized patriotism. Boo! Boo! to you who do still cover your heart with your hand. See where it ' s gotten you? Defended by Bert Parks and Paul Harvey! (Makes me want to tie-die Kate Smith ' s bra and wear it as a back pack!) And so I say arise. Arise and give your cheeks a break. Faint heart never won Hollywood Squares in this or any other epoch. Bring on the ersions and put lust back in our nostrils: Perversion, subversion, and henny help the hindmost. We need blood! Yours truly. Rev. 0. Lution Guide For Freshmen 1. Purchase a pair of Earth shoes 2. Buy your first John Denver album 3. Hang around Highway Robbery 4. Mill about the student union in large numbers 5. Throw frisbees on Sanford Mall 6. Get closed out of everything bul 8 o ' clock classes 7. Curse Boone residents for the no beer ordinance 8. Thumb out to the Rock for beer 9. Date a high school honey foi homecoming 10. Publicly destroy John Denver albums 11. Get screwed by local landlords. 12. Get snaked by a senior at Antler ' s 13. Bounce a check at Yogi ' s 14. Receive an incomplete in Fokit psychology 15. Renounce God on weekends 16. Pray to God on exam days 17. See Doc Ashby about birth control 18. Curse this year ' s yearbook 19. Ridicule the next crop of freshmen Editor-in-Chief: Miriam West Business Manager: Donald E. Smith Layout and Design Editors: Steve Yaeger and Brenda Burris Art Editor: Michael Dupree Copy Editors: Jack Dillard and R, T. Smith Photographers: Bart Austin, Pat Stout, and Bill White Darkroom Technicians: Danny Dennis, Allen McCree, and Tommy Williams Contributing Editors: Leon Hill, Martha Beard, Charles Hutchins, Leslie Morris, Annette Johnson, Terry Mullins, Rita Bailey, and Donna Tolley Contributing Writers: Bob Goans, Anne Bradford, Julie Morris, Dell Haynie, Robin Falls, Debbie Dorsey, and Leigh McDougall Contributing Artists: Steve Yaeger, John Lee, Ruthie Belasco, Gary Wilson, and Cecil Reid Editor of Camera-Ready Paste-Up: Susan Jones 2 National Lampoon

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Embarrassing Moments in History 200 YEARS AGO TODAY American History is filled with humorous situations, particularly the Revolutionary War. This almost eight year long struggle was permeated with incidents, most stemming from the disorganization of our forces, especially the militias, and the typical fun-loving spirit of the American people, no less evident then than now. Most of these anecdotes, possibly not so hilarious then as they are today, will be lost forever. To avoid total amnesia of the lighter side of American History, here we present true facts, embellished as they may be, for your education. The war was almost begun prematurely in Boston with an event infamously tagged - The Boston Massacre. British soldiers were sent to Boston to act as police. These men were scattered throughout the city in rented quarters, rather than in common barracks, and this led to constant quarrels with the citizens. Bostonians have never been known to enjoy persecution without revenge, so fights in bars and alleys were common. One afternoon, some citizens allowed their usual ostracization to escalate into a full-scale snowball fight. Soon, some rebel decided rocks flew better and so exchanged ammunition. Tempers rose, and the group turned into a mob. Taunting and harassing the soldiers, soon shots were fired into the crowd. Five citizens died as a result. Rumors ran rampant and soon this massacre inflamed the people to the point that they poured out into the streets and the militia was called out. Quick action by G overnor Hutchinson quieted things down, though. which was quite lucky, as they were almost five years early. To say the battle of Trenton was chaotic would be an understatement. Four thousand men ran from house-to-house and marched up and down the streets in the rain, hail, sleet, and snow. As the British marched through the town, they readied their muskets in anticipation of the enemy. The Americans were ready, however. They hid in the attics of houses on the streets, and took pot-shots at the foreigners as they marched by. The British were helpless as their guns were wet and wouldn ' t fire. Yankee ingenuity pulled us out and struck a powerful blow to British morale. Washington moved in with his troops and we won the battle. To think that three regiments of England ' s finest were forced to surrender to a handful of rough-shod militia roused the Americans, and the militias grew rapidly. A rather embarrassing incident pre- ceded the demoralizing defeat of the American forces at Camden. Billed as the most disastrous defeat ever inflicted on an American army, at least partial blame can be placed on the unfortunate condition of the soldiers. General Horatio Gates ordered full rations for his men the night before their intended charge. Unable to get the rum he had promised his men, he settled for a different medicine sourghum molasses was brought down from Virginia, and his men feasted (?) on half-cooked meat, bread, and corn meal mush mixed with the molasses. This had a rather potent effect on their digestive tracts, and when it came time to advance, the soldiers were literally caught with their pants down. At the battle of Princeton, the Americans pulled yet another sneaky trick. British General Cornwallis had forced Washington and his troops into somewhat of a trap. Night fell and Washington had been able to hold off the enemy. This was little consolation, though, because he knew that the rest would bring another charge at dawn, probably ending in his defeat. In a valiant, although whacky, attempt to win, Washington decided they must escape during the night. He assigned 400 men to dig trenches, making lots of noise, to fool the British. Tremendous bonfires raged throughout the night to strengthen the hoax. At one a.m., the troops departed. The wheels of the cannon and wagons were wrapped with rags to make them silent. Muskets were handled carefully, and orders passed by whisper. The entire army escaped down the road immediately in front of the British lines and fled to safety in the dark. No doubt you ' ve heard of that great American hero, Paul Revere. Well, old Paul really enjoyed his evening, yelling about the redcoats and all. According to the history books. Revere was not really the savior. Another citizen was appointed to warn the city in the event of an attack. Revere decided he wanted to help, so he followed close behind. Apparently, the bars were rather crowded, as Revere stopped at about four or five taverns. When the redcoats finally arrived. Revere was found drunk in the streets, and captured. 4 National Lampoon