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Page 31 text:
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scales dipped in poi. After this course, nobody seems to care much for any more. I believe it was Gorgeous Clark who planned the menu—such a unique combination! Now that the eating is finished, I notice several of the guests have waded into the water and are very busy feeding the fish. I recognize three or four of them as Lover Larson, Tiny Taylor, Skinny Thompson, and Sneaky Osborne. We can see some movement in the trees, so let’s go investigate. It’s a card game. Slugger Watts is slipping an ace from under her foot and Matrimony Miller has what looks like half a deck partly covered by her grass skirt. Ogilvee Olivee Oliver is crying because she’s getting beat. This is quite a game of “Old Maid” they’re having. Nearby we find the Sanchez twins, Rudy and Eddy. Eddy is lifting weights and Rudy is crocheting. Sailing across the water in a banana boat is Pee Wee Danby and his crew of banana pickers. There is Jack Rabbit Chapman singing the “Banana Boat Song,” and chiming in we can hear the silvery voices of Ferdinand Fernandez, Bacon Grisey, Hobo Kolbo, Hugo Lugo, and Gordo McCamly. Now for the main event of the day. I notice a makeshift ring has been set up on the beach and a crowd is beginning to gather. The voice of Higginbritches, the notorious announcer, is heard droning through the microphone. “In one corner, Tiger Lilly Jones, 252 pounds, and measuring 55-22-86, with the red long-johns. Her challenger, Urpie Ehrlich 94 pounds in red and white striped shortie pajamas.” Rebel Royse is manicuring Tiger Lilly’s toenails and Soupy Santana is massaging her back. Beatnik Stickney is blowing Urpie’s nose and Fray Marcos de Sandoval (I believe he named himself) is combing his hair. And there’s the bell! The managers have disappeared, and out of her corner Tiger comes crawling, snorting, and spitting fire. Urpie is climbing the pole in his corner yelling for his mother. Jumping up and down in the middle of the ring is the referee, Goofy Gabaldon. Suddenly Urpie gains courage and steps on Tiger’s head, and that’s the end of the fight. Who won? I suppose Urpie did because he’s the only one left. The canvas broke in the middle and Tiger fell through. They’re still digging for her in the sand. The authors of this literary masterpiece wish to remain anonymous for a very good reason. They are very modest and do not wish to receive any credit or praise for this new style of writing called Greek Goulash they introduced to the literary world. — Editor
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Page 30 text:
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Waikiki Beach, Hawaii June 4, 1971 It is going to be a very lovely clay here on Waikiki Beach, Hawaii. Just now the sun is rising over the water. Today is the day of the reunion of the class of 1961. All is quiet except for the sound of the tropical birds and the breakers splashing up on the shore. There is a small boat being moored at the pier. The lone occupant is a blond, skinny, rather serious-looking young man in bermudas and a sweat shirt. He’s unloading some equipment from the boat—an easel, a small box, and several canvasses. Why, it’s Daubber Hayden! He has aged quite a bit, but after the usual exchange of greetings we learn he’s not yet married—still a lone wolf. Two hours have passed and finally more of the graduates have come dragging along. So far, Shorty Schulte and Gory Frederickson Schulte have arrived and have their three children with them. The oldest, a boy who is seven years old, is already five feet eleven inches tall. Oh! Here comes Moo Mahan, who weighs 700 pounds and Soapy Sonny carrying a portable radio. They are kicking up sand to the tune of “The Coconut Rock.” Out on the water I can see Captain Hausmann, Skipper Petie Garcia, and Swabbie Cure-ton floating in their sampan. I heard somebody say they were doing a little whaling. Hope they have good luck. Oh, mercy! What’s that crashing racket? Here comes Pantywaist Porras tearing through the underbrush, running across the beach with a terrified look on his face. Wonder what’s eating him? Well, back to the party. Wait—here comes Mighty Mouse Williamson packing a double-barrel pineapple. She’s following the trail that Pantywaist Porras just left. I see that the handsome Victor McQuisenberry has arrived. He is wearing sunglasses, bermudas, P. F. Flyers, and a twenty-gallon sombrero. He’s being mobbed by Cleopatra Rodriquez, Halloween Bockelman, Bomber Wakefield, and Gila Monster Hershide (who sometimes doubles for Boris Karloff) all begging for autographs. Seated at the bar that has been set up under the palm trees, swaying on the stools, getting inbananatated on their banana juice we find Guzzler Nelson, Chug-a-lug Payne, Parson Pearson, and Knock-kneed Dendy. Now for refreshments. Here comes Honkers Magill and Blimpo Lopez selling frozen papaya juice on toothpicks for hors d’oeuvres. For the main course we have french fried alligator
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