West Virginia (BB 48) - Naval Cruise Book

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PARLOR DUNIGANS PLOW DESERTERS AND LONG BEACH COWBOYS FALSELY MASQUERADING AS SEAMEN AND MAN O WARS MEN X At 0705 the Royal Party was sighted on the line, rising up through a haze of mist and seaweed, and the Jolly Roger was broken at the fore as they came aboard. They then proceeded to the quarter- deck to be received with honors. First came King Neptune in his Royal Robes, with the Royal Con- sort, followed by the Royal Princesses and the Royal Baby. Then came Davy jones, Peg Leg, the Royal Navigator, the Royal judges, Royal Prose- cutors, Royal Counsellors, Royal Executioners, Royal Chief of Police and the Royal Cops, the Royal Barbers, the Royal Undertaker, Electricians, Torturers, Docs, Cook, Sea Hag, Conchubine 'and the Royal Polar Bears, plus dozens of strikers to bring up the rear. Captain Wiley descended from the bridge to receive the Distinguished Party in these terms: CAPTAIN WILEY: Your Imperial Majesty, I wel- come you and your court aboard my ship. The United States Navy needs men with strength of will, courage, and ability to learn the Mysteries of the Sea. We bring you today, for initiation into the Order of Shellbacks, an extraordinarilylarge group of officers and men, some of age and experience, some young and innocent and new to life at sea. We ask that you try them, to test them, with the hope that many will be found worthy of the name Shellbackf, NEPTUNUS REX: I request permission to take over the ship, Sir. CAPTAIN WILEY: You have the ship. NEPTUNUS REX: Royal Navigator, take the conn! Two block the jofly Roger! Inform the Royal Judges to prepare to open court! Call the candidates to Quarters for inspectionli' These ceremonies completed, the Captain re- turned to the bridge and, to put it mildly, all hell broke loose. The wild ensuing melee would be im- possible to describe' in full detail in the short space of a book, for the Royal Party was adequately manned. All that can be attempted is to trace the route taken by each of the nearly two thousand pollywogs. What actually transpired is best left to the worst possible imaginings of the reader. Each member of the Royal Party carried a wooden paddle, and demonstrated a Royal Tech- nique in using them in the inspection. Grease, lampblack and graphite appeared as if from no- where, and was soon transferred to faces, arms, backs and-especially-hair. As soon as the Royal Party completed its tour of inspection it moved up to the scene of the Royal Court to convert these landlubbers into Ht subjects for 'His Majesty's Great Domain. Each candidate approached the throne from the starboard side of the forecastle, through a brief but efficient receiving line. Here he was taken into custody by the Royal Cops, and brought to trial before the Royal Judges by the Royal Prosecutors, Counsellors and Executioner. A careful subsequent examination of the Endings of the Court fails to produce a single instance of a pollywog not being found guilty of every count, and more. With resounding raps of their gavels the Royal Judges meted out justice-found each and every pollywog guilty-and sentenced them to The Works, The Royal Works or The Royal Double Works. Special Friends of the Cops re- ceived Extra Special Attention. From the Court it was but a surprisingly short trip to the excruciating rack of the Royal Tortur- ers, where the candidate's body was paddled into shape, his joints thoroughly examined, and his landlubber's dust dusted off. His tonsils were effec- tively sprayed before he was permitted to enter into the presence of His Majesty and Royal Con- sort, and he was allowed but a brief instant to gaze upon the Exotic Splendour of the Court, the Beauty of the Royal Princesses, the Enticing Danc- ing Girls, and the Sultry Royal Conchubine. A selected few were permitted to kiss the chub- by stomach of the Royal Baby. Then all were hastened to the Royal Barbers, for most hair was too long and many whiskers needed lathering. The situation was, indeed, so drastic that an unfamiliar and especially viscous type of deep sea lather was required. Fortunately the Royal Barbers had been forehanded enough to see that plenty of grease was available. Then, head over heels into the pool and the arms of the Royal Polar Bears, who had patiently waited shoulder deep in the sacred portion of the Briney, where they faithfully executed their duty in rins- II6I

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