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Page 69 text:
Distiller (excitedly): Xo. no, Yarnspin, you needn't try to
explain it at all. 1 know where the fault lies. You were wrong, all wrong when------
Yarnspin: Well, well, old hoy, don’t get so excited. Xo use crying over spilt milk. I did my host in my own way and I would have succeeded if------
Dist: How under the canopy of heaven did you expect to
convince the Kaiser of his mistake with your Mother Goose rhymes?
Yarnspin: Rut what in the name of reason were you trying
to do with that soppy spcciman of literature in your hand?
Dist: Hold on! Hold on! Xo insults! I had my discourse
on habits ami ideals, page 227. all prepared, and was in the midst of feeding it to the Kaiser, whose eyes. I could plainly see. were already filling with tears. I was just congratulating myself on the success of my mission when in you bounced with your absurd, nonsensical story of Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau W ood would saw wood.
Miss Grateful: I am so disgusted with you both. You acted
like irresponsible schoolboys. When 1 pecked out from behind the door in the Kaiser’s audience chamber, and admonished you to enunciate clearly and. by all means, to lengthen your inflections, yon took no more heed of my suggestions than if I were speaking to the empty air. You didn't pitch vour voices, you didn’t pause, and von didn’t breathe once during the entire speech.
Distiller: Enunciation! Inflection! 1 presume your exalted
ideas of your abilities flatter you into thinking that if you had been sent as envoy to the Kaiser, you would have led him around like a lamb tied to a ribbon.
Yarnspin (sarcastically): Eating in submission from your
hand, no doubt.
Prof. D'Angcll: 1 see where the whole trouble lies! You did
not make a psychological study of your opponent. If only-------
Dist: What right have you to pass your opinion I'd like to know. You--------
Yarnspin: Yes. you and Prof. Reforme were in Liverpool five weeks recovering from the effects of your voyage over; so infants like you shall he seen and not heard the remainder of our voyage.
(Enter Miss Trchcllc Clcffc and Prof. Rirdlorc. excitedly arguing)
MissCleffe (angrily): Indeed. I did not. What a silly idea to
think that T had stage fright singing before those savages.
Prof. Rirdlorc: nd prav then, what made you flat so woe-
fully on high C? I imagine how the Huns must have winced at the discord.
Page 68 text:
Dist: Oh ho! Here come the sold salts with the life preservers. hat a good motto is Safety First!
Birdlorc (happily): The life-preservers at last! The fact of the matter is, I feel braver already. ( Filter sailors with life-pre-servers. deposit them on the deck, and withdraw. . 11 awkwardly begin to strap on life-preservers.)
-Miss Clcffc (gingerly handling preservers): Aren’t they the dirtiest things?
Miss Grateful (sweetly): Ves, and smelly!
Yarnspin: By hooke ! The suspender on this one is gone!
D’Angcll (awkwardly fumbling): Reminds me of one time
when I tried to dress up in my wife’s clothes, flow do you Operate this thing anyhow? I can’t seem to tret this down over my shoulders.
Miss Grateful (sweetly): Never mind, Mr. D’Angell, your head will keep you afloat.
(Prof. Reforme suddenly dashes madly through the crowd, jolting those with whom he comes in contact, and upsetting the feeble D’Angcll in his transit. All gaze curiously on his retreating form with the life-preserver hanging limply).
Miss Grateful: Our friend. Rcfornic. must have a pressing engagement.
Miss Cleffc: Evidently.
Prof. D’Angcll (sitting tip, dazed, hands to head, hair awry): f believe he knocked me sensible.
(Dist. lias meanwhile been struggling with his preserver, and has finally succeeded in fastening it around his neck).
Dist. (contentedly): P»v George! I’ve got mine on at last.
W hat a time I had with this contraption!
Yarnspin: Why, good gracious, man alive, don’t you know where that thing belongs? Here, let a man help you. (Proceeds to fix the preserver hurriedly, hut is hindered hv the copy of Bagley in Distiller’s pocket. Business with hook).
Yarnspin (irritably): Great guns! Wouldn’t it he a rare sit-
uation to sec you and Bagiev divorced for a few minutes? (More business with hook. Finally in disgust. Yarnspin throws hook over-hoard). Distiller (immediately running toward railing, shrieking frantically as he jumps overboard). My Bagley! Mv life! My life! My Bagley! (Confusion reigns). —Curtain—
(On board ship returning to America. Sound of loud voices, protesting and quarreling. Distiller still carries a copy of School Management, water-soaked and much dilapidated.
Page 70 text:
Miss ClcfTc: 1 don’t care. It is easier to be natural than it is
to stay on high C.
Yarnspin (aside): She's on high sea now and doesn’t know it.
Miss ClelTc: At least you have nothing to say. Prof. Birdlorc.
(Turning to others) A man who dissects a pet gorilla, mistaking it for a (ierman. is a pretty big failure at peace-making.
Dist. (angrily): What! What fool talk is this? What did
you say about gorillas? Did he dissect a gorilla? lias his brain ceased to work?
Miss ClcfTc: 1 saw it with my own eyes.
Prof. liirdlorc (nervously): Aw. give a fellow a chance to
explain. I got my gas mask on so crooked, 1 could see only out of the half of one eye. and I just naturally dissected the first thing I stumbled against.
Prof. D'Angell: Some biologist! Now if you had made a psychological test---
Prof. Reforme (irritably): Oh, shut up! Maud me another lemon. Yarnspin.
Yarnspin: Here, you need one. too. P’Angcll. to keep your tongue from wagging and to save that one brain path of yours from wearing through.
Prof. D’Angell (flushing hotly) : 1 refuse to bear such insults!
lake back every------
Dist. (rushing up. grabbing D'Angell by coat collar) Enough! Yonder sits your friend. Rcforme. contentedly sucking a lemon. Go thou and do likewise. (Exit D'Angell)
Miss Grateful (sympathetically): The poor fellow isn’t himself. Neither is Prof. Reforme. This trip has been bard on them, but they’ll feel better when they get home. Oh, by the way. Yarn-spin. I am curious to know what that story was you told the Kaiser at that fatal moment when you and Distiller met your Waterloo. Do tell us. won’t you?
Yarnspin: Why. I just asked him if he had heard of the ter-
rible condition in Russia. He said no. he hadn’t heard any further developments lately, and then I told him that there were 500.000 subjects walking around without any predicates. Oh. boy! wasn’t he mad. though? Distiller and I stopped not to reason why. ours but to turn and fly. vowing no more to pry into bis business.
Miss ClcflFc (swcotlv) : So you’ll admit that you, too. were
failures. (To Miss Grateful) Did your coaching fall short of the mark ?
Miss Grateful (angrily): Indeed, and what else could you ex-
pect? They didn’t heed one thing 1 said. They were as deaf as stones----senseless things.
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