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Page 68 text:
Dist: Oh ho! Here come the sold salts with the life preservers. hat a good motto is Safety First!
Birdlorc (happily): The life-preservers at last! The fact of the matter is, I feel braver already. ( Filter sailors with life-pre-servers. deposit them on the deck, and withdraw. . 11 awkwardly begin to strap on life-preservers.)
-Miss Clcffc (gingerly handling preservers): Aren’t they the dirtiest things?
Miss Grateful (sweetly): Ves, and smelly!
Yarnspin: By hooke ! The suspender on this one is gone!
D’Angcll (awkwardly fumbling): Reminds me of one time
when I tried to dress up in my wife’s clothes, flow do you Operate this thing anyhow? I can’t seem to tret this down over my shoulders.
Miss Grateful (sweetly): Never mind, Mr. D’Angell, your head will keep you afloat.
(Prof. Reforme suddenly dashes madly through the crowd, jolting those with whom he comes in contact, and upsetting the feeble D’Angcll in his transit. All gaze curiously on his retreating form with the life-preserver hanging limply).
Miss Grateful: Our friend. Rcfornic. must have a pressing engagement.
Miss Cleffc: Evidently.
Prof. D’Angcll (sitting tip, dazed, hands to head, hair awry): f believe he knocked me sensible.
(Dist. lias meanwhile been struggling with his preserver, and has finally succeeded in fastening it around his neck).
Dist. (contentedly): P»v George! I’ve got mine on at last.
W hat a time I had with this contraption!
Yarnspin: Why, good gracious, man alive, don’t you know where that thing belongs? Here, let a man help you. (Proceeds to fix the preserver hurriedly, hut is hindered hv the copy of Bagley in Distiller’s pocket. Business with hook).
Yarnspin (irritably): Great guns! Wouldn’t it he a rare sit-
uation to sec you and Bagiev divorced for a few minutes? (More business with hook. Finally in disgust. Yarnspin throws hook over-hoard). Distiller (immediately running toward railing, shrieking frantically as he jumps overboard). My Bagley! Mv life! My life! My Bagley! (Confusion reigns). —Curtain—
(On board ship returning to America. Sound of loud voices, protesting and quarreling. Distiller still carries a copy of School Management, water-soaked and much dilapidated.
Page 67 text:
Wood would saw wood. Willi llir.se suggestions in mind. I know you will be able to convert tlu enemy.
Dist. (impatiently): All very well, if we don't get that breath knocked out of us before we get away from him (Looks at watch).
I inic dies. (Sees trio aprpoaehiug) h. here they come at last, t Kilter Prof. ( ) ngel1 and Prof. keforme leaning heavily on Yarn-spin.) Yarnspin is not such a had truant officer after all. I’.y George! hat can Ik the matter? I hey look fairly bilious.
Miss (iratcful: Pritbee. why so pale, foml lovers, prithee, wbv so pale?
Dist: Where have von fellows been lingering at the ru-
cial moment? By George! N on look like the reck of the Hesperus !
Yariispin: I found them leaning against the railing in a con-
dition too sad to mention.
Keforme (weekly ): Where we were making our contributions
to the Atlantic.
D'Angcll (feebly): I have given to Neptune my last full
measure of devotion.
I )ist : Well gentlemen, we have gathered here to map out
our peace campaign. Now Mr. Keforme. what may we expect of von ?
Keforme: Well, as I said before, our President appointed me the official recorder of tlu events of this expedition for the benefit nf future generations, who. I feel confident, will he living in a ‘world made better bv the socialistic ideals which I have helped to advance. s a chronicler of events and a modern historian. I shall faithfully perform my duty------when not otherwise engaged.
D'Angcll: And my commission is to make a psychological
study of the nations at war and establish standardization of table manners in the armies. Neurones differ, you know, and their
habits, too. 1 must study.-----that is. (putting hands shakely to
head) when 1 have once more recovered my equilibrium. You see. my friends, the law of habit is the focalization of consciousness upon the process to he automized. plus attentive repetition of the process, permitting no exception, until automatism-------
P.irdlore (interrupting): B Jove! A brilliant thought iust
struck me. My ambition is. henceforth, to dissect a German and get a permanent peace. a
TV Angel I: A piece? A piece of what?
P.irdlore: Peace, you numskull! Peace, the object of this ex-
Yarnspin : But that would be a German peace, and bow would
von preserve a German peace?
Page 69 text:
Distiller (excitedly): Xo. no, Yarnspin, you needn't try to
explain it at all. 1 know where the fault lies. You were wrong, all wrong when------
Yarnspin: Well, well, old hoy, don’t get so excited. Xo use crying over spilt milk. I did my host in my own way and I would have succeeded if------
Dist: How under the canopy of heaven did you expect to
convince the Kaiser of his mistake with your Mother Goose rhymes?
Yarnspin: Rut what in the name of reason were you trying
to do with that soppy spcciman of literature in your hand?
Dist: Hold on! Hold on! Xo insults! I had my discourse
on habits ami ideals, page 227. all prepared, and was in the midst of feeding it to the Kaiser, whose eyes. I could plainly see. were already filling with tears. I was just congratulating myself on the success of my mission when in you bounced with your absurd, nonsensical story of Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau W ood would saw wood.
Miss Grateful: I am so disgusted with you both. You acted
like irresponsible schoolboys. When 1 pecked out from behind the door in the Kaiser’s audience chamber, and admonished you to enunciate clearly and. by all means, to lengthen your inflections, yon took no more heed of my suggestions than if I were speaking to the empty air. You didn't pitch vour voices, you didn’t pause, and von didn’t breathe once during the entire speech.
Distiller: Enunciation! Inflection! 1 presume your exalted
ideas of your abilities flatter you into thinking that if you had been sent as envoy to the Kaiser, you would have led him around like a lamb tied to a ribbon.
Yarnspin (sarcastically): Eating in submission from your
hand, no doubt.
Prof. D'Angcll: 1 see where the whole trouble lies! You did
not make a psychological study of your opponent. If only-------
Dist: What right have you to pass your opinion I'd like to know. You--------
Yarnspin: Yes. you and Prof. Reforme were in Liverpool five weeks recovering from the effects of your voyage over; so infants like you shall he seen and not heard the remainder of our voyage.
(Enter Miss Trchcllc Clcffc and Prof. Rirdlorc. excitedly arguing)
MissCleffe (angrily): Indeed. I did not. What a silly idea to
think that T had stage fright singing before those savages.
Prof. Rirdlorc: nd prav then, what made you flat so woe-
fully on high C? I imagine how the Huns must have winced at the discord.
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