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Page 67 text:
Wood would saw wood. Willi llir.se suggestions in mind. I know you will be able to convert tlu enemy.
Dist. (impatiently): All very well, if we don't get that breath knocked out of us before we get away from him (Looks at watch).
I inic dies. (Sees trio aprpoaehiug) h. here they come at last, t Kilter Prof. ( ) ngel1 and Prof. keforme leaning heavily on Yarn-spin.) Yarnspin is not such a had truant officer after all. I’.y George! hat can Ik the matter? I hey look fairly bilious.
Miss (iratcful: Pritbee. why so pale, foml lovers, prithee, wbv so pale?
Dist: Where have von fellows been lingering at the ru-
cial moment? By George! N on look like the reck of the Hesperus !
Yariispin: I found them leaning against the railing in a con-
dition too sad to mention.
Keforme (weekly ): Where we were making our contributions
to the Atlantic.
D'Angcll (feebly): I have given to Neptune my last full
measure of devotion.
I )ist : Well gentlemen, we have gathered here to map out
our peace campaign. Now Mr. Keforme. what may we expect of von ?
Keforme: Well, as I said before, our President appointed me the official recorder of tlu events of this expedition for the benefit nf future generations, who. I feel confident, will he living in a ‘world made better bv the socialistic ideals which I have helped to advance. s a chronicler of events and a modern historian. I shall faithfully perform my duty------when not otherwise engaged.
D'Angcll: And my commission is to make a psychological
study of the nations at war and establish standardization of table manners in the armies. Neurones differ, you know, and their
habits, too. 1 must study.-----that is. (putting hands shakely to
head) when 1 have once more recovered my equilibrium. You see. my friends, the law of habit is the focalization of consciousness upon the process to he automized. plus attentive repetition of the process, permitting no exception, until automatism-------
P.irdlore (interrupting): B Jove! A brilliant thought iust
struck me. My ambition is. henceforth, to dissect a German and get a permanent peace. a
TV Angel I: A piece? A piece of what?
P.irdlore: Peace, you numskull! Peace, the object of this ex-
Yarnspin : But that would be a German peace, and bow would
von preserve a German peace?
Page 66 text:
Dist: Mow now! Stop all this foolishness! We must have
our conference, and lay our peace plans now. Come, conic, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve found a place of privacy. (AM gather around a table at one side.) What decision shall v:e come to? Eriend Yarnspin. suppose you and 1 have a little personal contlab with the Kaiser. My friend Raglcy (tapping book under his arm) shall render valuable assistance and show Wilhelm the error of his ways.
Yarnspin: Yes. and if that doesn’t take effect, I’l go up to Mill and ask him if lie hasn't heard of the terrible condition in Russia. and that the hoy stood on the burning deck in 1492. Believe me. I’ll kid the old hoy.
Bird lore (anxiously scanning water): Bv go?! Ihat's mighty
much like a periscope out there right non . My kingdom for a life preserver!
Dist: And what about you. Miss v'leite? Arc you going to
trv your “charm" experiment on the Huns?
Miss ClclTe (very decidedly): Why. of course. Music bath charms to soothe the savage Bochc. In the spirit of tlie dove of peace, I will stand before the armies of the savage Hun in the front line trenches. The licjuid cadence of m voice "ill melt their l ard hearts, bring tears to their eyes and remorse to their souls.
Miss Grateful: Hear! Hear!
Birdlore: But pray. Miss Cleffc, with what miraculous melodies do you aspire to this achievement?
Miss Cleffc: My first number will be “I Love You Truly”, and if encored, I shall sing “Let Me Call You Sweetheart
Yarnspin: n with the song, let joy he unconfined.
Birdlore (ironically): My George. he would he a hard hearted
soldier, indeed, and several kinds of fools, who would not, at such a touching appeal, lay down his arms and make use of the ones nature gave him!
Miss Cleffc: Sir!
Dist: By the way. folks, where is Prof. Mutch N’eeduv Re-
forme? He can’t he writing all this time, can lie? If lie expects to keep accurate account of the historic events of this expedition, he should he here taking notes, and Prof. D’Angell. where is he? Sav Yarnspiiii hunt them up and send them over. (Exit Yarnspin.)
Miss Grateful: Now, gentlemen: take a few suggestions from me. One of the essentials of expression is breath control. When you appear before the Kaiser, you must practice centralized breathing and absolute relaxation. It will give von moral support and mental poise. Should an argument arise, you must squelch him with a well-prepared recitation of Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau
Page 68 text:
Dist: Oh ho! Here come the sold salts with the life preservers. hat a good motto is Safety First!
Birdlorc (happily): The life-preservers at last! The fact of the matter is, I feel braver already. ( Filter sailors with life-pre-servers. deposit them on the deck, and withdraw. . 11 awkwardly begin to strap on life-preservers.)
-Miss Clcffc (gingerly handling preservers): Aren’t they the dirtiest things?
Miss Grateful (sweetly): Ves, and smelly!
Yarnspin: By hooke ! The suspender on this one is gone!
D’Angcll (awkwardly fumbling): Reminds me of one time
when I tried to dress up in my wife’s clothes, flow do you Operate this thing anyhow? I can’t seem to tret this down over my shoulders.
Miss Grateful (sweetly): Never mind, Mr. D’Angell, your head will keep you afloat.
(Prof. Reforme suddenly dashes madly through the crowd, jolting those with whom he comes in contact, and upsetting the feeble D’Angcll in his transit. All gaze curiously on his retreating form with the life-preserver hanging limply).
Miss Grateful: Our friend. Rcfornic. must have a pressing engagement.
Miss Cleffc: Evidently.
Prof. D’Angcll (sitting tip, dazed, hands to head, hair awry): f believe he knocked me sensible.
(Dist. lias meanwhile been struggling with his preserver, and has finally succeeded in fastening it around his neck).
Dist. (contentedly): P»v George! I’ve got mine on at last.
W hat a time I had with this contraption!
Yarnspin: Why, good gracious, man alive, don’t you know where that thing belongs? Here, let a man help you. (Proceeds to fix the preserver hurriedly, hut is hindered hv the copy of Bagley in Distiller’s pocket. Business with hook).
Yarnspin (irritably): Great guns! Wouldn’t it he a rare sit-
uation to sec you and Bagiev divorced for a few minutes? (More business with hook. Finally in disgust. Yarnspin throws hook over-hoard). Distiller (immediately running toward railing, shrieking frantically as he jumps overboard). My Bagley! Mv life! My life! My Bagley! (Confusion reigns). —Curtain—
(On board ship returning to America. Sound of loud voices, protesting and quarreling. Distiller still carries a copy of School Management, water-soaked and much dilapidated.
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