University of Michigan - Michiganensian Yearbook (Ann Arbor, MI)

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Ubfe ctfflJwe ! fir I COB ladn ' t had my period, so I took a pregnancy test. It came out negative. I told everyone that I wasn ' t pregnant and in the meantime went to see doctor about why I was missing my periods. He told me that it couldn ' t be - ' tfd hat I was pregnant, and that it was just stress. He didn ' t even bother to give ' ii ' EticMne a pregnancy test. I finally got my period months later and it came out lotting. It really hurt. I went to the doctor again and he said that I had probably been pregnant. I still don ' t have a regular period; I don ' t think I ' m ble to have children. After he raped me I felt somehow that I needed his acceptance of me. I tatwheni vould always watch to see if he was around, or where he was. I didn ' t do that or too long. About the only empowering thing I did do was have people at ichool go up to him and ask him how his sex life was. There were probably iore than 250 people that did that. I ' ve seen him since, at a party. He approached me and I completely blew . I felt really good, like I had some control for that five minutes of what wanted to do, like I had some power. I ' m a little cold-hearted now but I think it ' s self-protection. I feel iumphant when I feel anger instead of fear. Back then I didn ' t see what he did to me as an act of violence, but just violent sex. On my part it was an act of contrition and on his it was an act exploitation and triumph. But he made it so that I didn ' t have any choice. I had said ' no ' and it didn ' t work so I didn ' t say ' no ' anymore. I used to :ry everyday. I don ' t get worked up over it anymore. I felt every emotion -, Tkmstf here was to feel: anger, fear, powerlessness on the lowest levels, and to great ntensities. ' + y I had habits that I didn ' t have before. I smoke, I used to get high, I lash ,-uevern ut at my father- mainly because he ' s a man. I lashed out at my friends from ime to time for no reason at all. Love I felt for other people didn ' t have the magic it should have. My nnocence was stolen. I was numb and cold for a long time. I missed out on relationships ' because I just couldn ' t do it. I was distrustful of all men. I uldn ' t give the effort of tryi kget to know someone only wanted me for one thing. Now I ' m angry becau Now I reali:e tra Wavc everv righjBR B t but I ong pers seWI have B ' ngl BMet as cBBl as .e person who I ' m with. I ha Bery r lfto kissBVone lothing more. I never had opinions about rape before, I just knew it was wrong. Now StOYy By NiyTYlCi JctCKSOTl think it is the absolute worse feeling in the world. Society views it as ' too ikay ' for it to happen. There are three of us sitting at this table. Two of us lave been raped, and one came pretty close. That statistic of one out of every hree women gets raped is stupid. I see people everyday on the street and 1 wonder if they know about rape t all. I wonder if they ' ve been there, and if they know the pain. It was just in January that the survivor part of me overcame the victim. s not my all-consuming thought anymore. I ' ve pulled myself out of a hole. Actuol names in this testimonial have been changed. ion Voices 193

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III! ' (in i V ' Hill christ Hill 111 inin t. I was sixteen at the time and a high school senior. It was December 15 1990 and I was hanging out with my friends Michelle, Eric, and Matt. We were driving around and not doing much when Matt came up with the idea of getting some Jock Daniels and Coke to drink. He knew a waitress who couk B for us so we could have a private party. When we got it we went to Eric ' s . I hadn ' t really drunk before, and a | these huge tumblers. All of us dranl house bee ght mu much, then he asked me if ItoUev docM iatI P r wanted to dance. I said ' sure. ' I didn ' t realize how drunk I was but when w ouldalrav started dancing, I fell. Matt helped me up. I had never been drunk before ir my life. Some things still aren ' t too clear. When he helped me up he pushed me towards the front door and we wen outside. He had me play a game where I leaned over to see how far I coul go without falling. The first time I almost fell and he caught me -that shoulc inwtt. licit have been a clue for me that he wasn ' t that drunk. He did it again and again nntcJt The third time he caught me and didn ' t let me go. He kissed me, and I kissei him back. He put my hands on his crotch, and I said ' stop. ' He pushed me back towards the door and made me go inside. The nex thing I can remember I was on the bed with my panty hose and panties aroun my ankles. Matt was on top of me. 1 kept hearing this banging noise and realized that it was my head banging against the headboard. I remember being very painful and I just lied there because I was mostly in shock. Whe he finished he got up and asked me if I wanted to do it again. That was th only question he asked me that night. I said ' no ' and tried to get up to get awa from him, but he pushed me back down and raped me again. He got up the second time and put on his pants and said, ' If you ever war latmyfatl it again, here ' s my number. Just call. ' I puked all over the bed and myself rigr ne to time after he said that. I got up and went to the bathroom and stayed in there wit : the door locked for at least two hours, throwing up and crying. Everyone w; mocenceiv, telling me to come out so I could lie down on the bed. I opened the door an tlationships they tried to help.. me off the floor. I didn ' t want anyone touching m ; : especially him sojjook them off and crawled bedroom. I felt so muc ionlyuanti After he i too long- hoolgoup Btethan ' I ' ve seen I ' m all umphann ' Back the violent so txploitath 1 had aii ' everyday, BOB to! tensities. ' I never lu ' for it to Eric and Michelle took me home. When 1 got there my mom was up an it was past tour o ' clock in the morn ing. She didn ' t ask any questions becau; : .. it was obvious that I was drunk. She just told me that J was grounded for tl next month and that I couldn ' t go anywhere; no malls, no Christmas partie nothing. The last thing I needed was to be at home constantly thinking aboi what had happened. I felt like a whore. I hated myself for a long time, and I was despondei ivetc enr about life. I constantly thought about it, how disgusting it was and I just thr up for the next two weeks. I knew that was a reaction to the disgust I felt abo the whole thing. I really hated myself for the next two years. My period didn ' t come and somehow he found out. He said he would pi for half of the abortion. He thought that I should be responsible for some m d it. Again, I was shocked that he would suggest something like that. I : peopl it . 192 Voices

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nil ' INII t V aids. Students often complained that important social issues and ethical questions were relegated to classroom discussions and textbook descriptions, but the AIDS issue was different. From a condom store that stressed protection from the HIV virus to movies and flyers addressing the social ramifications of the syndrome, voices were heard throughout the University and Ann Arbor community addressing the epidemic. The methods and ideas of the individuals and groups differed, but the un- derlying message was the same: AIDS is completely preventable, but only if students understand it and take necessary precautions against it. The first step, according to campus leaders and health offi- cials, was understanding AIDS and the ways the HIV virus is transmitted, and toward this goal the University participated in such campaigns as AIDS Awareness Week and National Condom Week. During the week of Valentine ' s Day, for example, vol- unteers from University Health Services distributed free condoms and information on safer sex and HIV at residence halls around campus. Students in Sociology 389, Gays and Straights in the Community, even volunteered to hand out the same information at bars around campus, where the action is according to co-facilitator Jenny Beck. Not all students were in agreement over the best way to prevent the virus. The College Republicans stressed that abstinence is the key to prevention. Like many of the problems that plague modern society, AIDS has spread with a downfall of traditional morality, said John Damoose, president of the College Republicans. Damoose and the Republicans equated this downfall with the proliferation of pre-marital and casual sex throughout society and especially on college campuses. To spread their message, the Republicans posted flyers around campus, discussed the issue at meetings and debates, and encouraged students to ask questions, and learn about the issues. Other students and community members recognized the prevalence of pre-marital sex and urged students to take necessary precautions. The owners of Condoms 10 1 , a store on South University devoted to the sale of condoms and advocacy of safer sex, claimed abstinence was the best solution but admitted that the reality of the world ' s predicament necessitated the provision of condoms and openness about the subject. Inside the store, the owners hung posters advocating abstinence and education. There ' s a simple way to prevent AIDS, one proclaimed. You want to be risk-free from AIDS? Don ' t have sex. Not everyone was convinced of the importance of the campaigns, arguing that awareness became fashionable after the deaths of such stars as Liberace and that AIDS research claimed funding from more deadly killers like cancer and heart disease. It has become a big media and celebrity cause, admitted LSA junior Arlene Olivero, but perhaps that ' s because it ' s so easy to prevent if people just know how. Indeed, opinions about the methods and appropriateness of all the efforts varied, but everyone agreed education and awareness were the keys to stopping the spread of the deadly virus. awareness 194 Voices