Taft High School - Eagle Yearbook (Chicago, IL)

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Page 28 Dr. Pathic Gives Famous Method Of Q otj Living By Dr. Syck 0. Pathic, N.U.T. Are you suffering from the lack of an alphabet of vitamins? If so, the following rules may help you. They are guaranteed to make you a total wreck. If you suddenly sprout into a picture of perfect health after reading the advice given, read it again. You may have missed the best points. If you grow pale and puny, you have in all probabilities carefully followed instructions. If you land up in a hospital, forcing down a bottle of tonic, or trying your hardest to swallow a capsule, I shall feel that my career has not been in vain. These rules are primarily intended for that less fortunate group of humanity who must attend high school. Healthless Livin' 1. Do not eat fruit daily. An apple, an orange, or a banana tun- less he trips on the peelj won't keep the doctor away. Onions are a more effective means, for if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what will an onion do? That would be using scents. 2. Vegetables are definitely out. Don't let this older generation kid you into thinking you'll have mus- cles like Popeye, if you do. That's just propaganda. Spinach died with Sampson. That's just another thing of the past. Coffee Aids Students 3. Cut out a quart of milk each day. That's kid stuff. Cokes tif you can get 'em, let me know wherej are better. Coffee, too, is quite all right. It works as a stim- ulant to keep you awake at school. 4. The only good way to get fresh air is to speed down Bryn Mawr avenue or some similar street in a snappy convertible. tWarning: Don't let the cops catch you.J 5. This rule applies to the girls. Don't carry an umbrella when it's raining out. A composer once wrote a song because he saw a girl with the wind and the rain in her hair. Advice CD to Ailing And now, let's look at today's mail. F. A. T. writes: I am suffering from a bad case of piabetes. What 1-an you recommend for a cure? Dear F. A. T.: Your case sounds very serious. However, I recom- mend that you stop eating pie, and tell your wife to send me the rec- ipe. H. O. P. writes: I am suffering Taft Tribune Student Pines for Delectable Flavor Of Favorite Sauce Dear Editor: Once I was a gallant figure, a handsome man with muscles rip- pling to and fro over my elegant torse. Today, I am a sorry sight. My head is bald, my fingernails grow no more, my eyes have failed, and all because of a lack of catsup in my diet. Dear Editor, I love catsup, I thrive on catsup. It kept my body and soul together. Its color was soothing to my eye and nerves. I also love hamburgers. The two belong together, like Romeo and Julietg like Amos and Andy. Every day I buy a hamburger, then look for my favorite, palat- able, savory, tarty, and mouth wa- tering piquante sauce in vain. I twist my neck and strain my eyes and nothing do I see but mus- tard which irritates my tender senses. Dear editor, if I don't find my catsup soon, I shall grow frailer yet and then I shall go mad. Yours truly, Catsup Lover. ,,-i.. lVIcCuaig Takes To Bicycling - Aids in Defense Mr. Malcolm McCualg, Taft's great accountant and hall guard superintendent, is quite patriotic. He has purchased a pair of bi- cycles for himself and his wife, to save on automobile tires and gaso- line. The fact that his car was stolen last December may have been an incentive for buying the bicycles, but he solemnly denies this. I am now accomplishing un- believable speed on the apparatus, he confided. He hopes to become fast enough to ride to his defense meetings on time, and to be able to 1'ide away from his last two payments on the bike. from St. Vitus Prance. What shall 1 do? Dear H. O. P.: Tell your school to cut out some of its jam sessions. It's the jive in your hive, yeah man! D. U. M. writes: I am at my wit's end. Boomatism, day fever, and guritis have all gotten me down. What can you suggest? Dear D. U. M.: May I suggest more exercise. Dig in the garden at least three hours a day. If that doesn't help, dig until you have dug a hole six feet deep. Then you'll he ready to crawl into it, anyway. Your Horoscope For This Month By Madam Horror Scope Today is an unfavorably excel- lent day for all those who have had the misfortune to be born. De- layed action done as soon as pos- sible for all those who assume in- itiative will turn out excellently unfavorable. All social contacts should be made at or before 10 A. M. If today is your birthday, this is your big chance to do all you want. 1. Ask your boss for a raise-if you want to retire without pay. 2. Act sassy to your teacher and you will have an extra period to think of your heart-throb -by getting an encore. 3. You don't have to do your homework and you will be reward- ed by pretty red marks in your course book. Your year backward-opportunr ties will present themselves - so make the least of them. Don't for- get opportunity will knock only 13 times for luck. Try to make the least social contact-be sure to act rude-most people will like you. If you were born during this month, this is under the sign of Dopes. If you are a Dope, slow thinking and acting dumb will help you make a very favorable impres- sion on all. I leave you with this thought for the day - If you came into this world during this month or at any other time, that was your greatest mistake-being born. Crew Hats Inspire Spring Styles There are all kinds of excitement around Taft now with graduatitn rings, pictures, etc., but that doesn't affect fashions any. Female Taftites are going in strong for hats this year. Crew hats head the list, and displaying them you will find Shirley Meltzer, Mari- lyn Ehmann, Betty Meek, Ann Mc- Taggert, Annette Kruto, Elsie Georges, Mary Bollman, and Babe Moran. Well, tan my hide! Have you all seen those new derby hats that have just popped out from around the fashion corner? Well, just ask Beverly Borg, Lucia Lucenko, or Constance Donegan if you can see theirs. Did your doctor prescribe one of those pill-box hats for you? Well, if you're ailing and feel you want a new hat, get a pill-box. Pat Dolan, Jeanette Kane, Annette Avery, and Marge Wieland will tell you how much they cost, how they wear, and just where to get one. Of course the good old reliable babushkas are still in style and will be for a long time to come. April 1,194 A Line 'U ype or Two Portrait : Does he give encores? Yes! Doc he scold? And l1ow! Who is he One of the best loved teachers z Taft. He's not the sweet type wh treats his students lovingly. N1 He's the guy who gets rough an makes them like it. He's the or who talks about joining the nav, Will they take him? Why no isn't he a perfect specimen of mai hood? Is he friendly? He sure i always ready to help a pal in nee' Say who is this wonder? It's M Addison Purcell. fSurprised.l Pome: Roses are red, violets are blu sugar is sweet . . . but there's priority on sugar so let's skip tl whole thing. A word from the wize : Where there's a. will there's relative. People who live in glass hous shouldn't! A penny earned is a penny! A ring on the hand is worth tv 1555 in the pawn shop. If the red bus comes, can tl nickel bus be far behind? J abberwackies : The birds do it, the bees do the bats do it, Mama can I take fl ing lessons too? The other night at the theater man fell out of the balcony a' every body laughed but me. Why didn't you laugh? I was the man. Bulleton g Mr. Arthur Mooney has announc that during the week of April to May 1 no encores will be giv Gum chewing and candy eati will be tolerated and tardines will be completely overlooks Why all this kindness you ask. l cleaning week, dummy. Dumbell Poem About Cupid- He shot an arrow into the ali It fell to earth I know where! I. M. N. Love Ioe Blowski today was run ov by a train. dragged down tl tracks five miles until he droppr into the Mississippi river from bridge. Three hours later he w dragged to the shore. He died old age. A new addition to the morg' is General Von Richt. Hitler's 4 right hand rncm. He recently 1 tired to spend the rest of his I I in America. However he died influenza while leaving Berlin

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pril 1, 1942 ,right Eyes of opate Match lew Clothes f you see a vision in brilliant nge ambling down the halls, ,nces are it will be Taft's illus- nus history teacher, Miss Cleo nate. me day Miss Lopate, having hing to do but practice making cy red D's and curlY'cue S's , the urge to dump all her cloth- ln the dye-pot. Well, practical- tll! l've always had a secret love bright orange, she confessed, d 1 decided there's no sense in ig the thing half way. Witness eye-startling garb. 1 concluding Miss Lopate re- 'kedz l just thought I'd dye. re You Too Fat? ie Rules Below ill Reduce You 11 people whether they are cor- ,t or not should know the cor- procedure in the art of reduc- When you hear the birdies gp!-Oviding you're conscious? .ediately jump 0'-lt Of bed and toward the ice cold shower- r standing under it for five utes turn the water on, and tin under this for 10 seconds. :fore eating your breakfast, your track suit and Dmceed 'ot about 10 or 15 miles. After you will be allowed to eat a ntic breakfast consisting of entire raisin. ter this more than satisfying kfast you will go to a swim- 5 pool and swi mconstantly for hours. Then it is about time lunch, but wait, YOU are not red any lunch because of your ning. Then you go to the out- of a busy restaurant and ob- A the other people devouring led potatoes, sirloin steak, and L la mode. This will increase dislike for food. the afternoon you will attend m and work out on the dif- t apparatus. First YOU will yourself 99 times: I10t 100. use this might tend to tire After this two 500 D0I1Hd yells tno relationsl will be by you with the greatest of After a few more such tri- apparatus works. you will be n time for a steam bath. After hours of relaxation in this xrtable position, you may re- home and walk on your lawn, eded by a large roller. ore dinner you can run an- 10 or 15 miles, which might the tendency to make YOU just 2 bit hungry. When you re- iome the big meal of the day. ved to you. Taft Tribune Nazism Slips Up on Soap, Bathtub Claims Axis Defeat People in America don't realize the importance of the lowly bath- tub in the united war effort of the Allies. With the help of soap, the grown up wash basin will someday free the world of the filthy scourge of the Axis. Far away in the land of the dictators there are few bathtubs. All the marble quarries had to stop making that article of cleanliness because of war priorities. tMarble slabs in morgues.l As Allied bombers come over and lay their eggs of destruction, they are bound to destroy some of the innocent blessings of man- kind. Because of the impossibil- ity of replacements, the bath-tak- ing habit is forced to give up part of its hard won territory to the combined armies of dirty ears and B. O. The Bathtub has a. soul! It will be but a matter of time before its better nature revolts and becomes nasty. Think of having the bath- tub a fifth columnist. It would be first to get the dirt from all the Axis high leaders. Then, with tl1e help of its allies, soap and water, things will hap- pen overnight. The world will change into a place of peace, quiet and cleanliness. The plan of ac- tion is bold and daring but it will succeed if aid reaches the battle field in time. They ask not planes nor cannon: All that is wanted is hot water and bubble bath. On the first Saturday of the month, when Hitler, Goering, Goeb- bles, and the smaller fry take an- nual excursions to the realm of fumigation - ab aqua - the com- bined attack will occur. The habit of aping der Fuehrer will be played to good advantage. They all step in the tub at the same exact time because one will not be outdone by the others. Thus, the doom ought to take but five minutes. As the boys put their torsos into the hot water, they don't see the soap lurking in the deep tPlaying the allied fleetsl because of a smoke screen put up by the air force fbubble bathej. The Fascists step on the soap, slip, fall, and conk their noggins on the bathtub fwhich is tl1e army in this forcel. It needn't be said that the fall caused them no end of grief. Nazism falls - in the bathtub, breaks its neck and drowns in ad- dition, being cleansed in the water that Brittanica still rules. Viva la bathtub! Fogli A Firebug? Suspicions Arise As Fires Leap Higher Early Wednesday morning, April 1, a suspicious character was seen entering one of Taft's side doors with a key he had secured some time before. He was a short man with a bald head. His intentions were apparently to start the school on fire. After entering our dear school where one of his accom- plices had previously started a small fire, he took some small black particles from a container and threw them joyously on the fire where they began to blaze very fiercely. A broad smile spread over his face when he saw it steadily be- come larger. His mission was com- pleted. He had succeeded in start- ing a fire i11 Taft. Was it serious? Oh. no. That suspicious man was just Mr. Thomas Fogli a11d those black particles were pieces of coal used in the engine room to keep the school heated. You will not have to go hungry: you shall have the biggest meal you ever had. Your mother tells you that the feast will be on the table. If you listen you can hear your mother's footsteps approach- ingg first slowly and then faster, faster, faster. Oh my, she has Husband Hungery? Serve A Skunk Stew Are you one of those gourmets who start droolling every time you scent the aroma of some cooking stew? If so, you will undoubtedly be interested in our recipe. Com- plete direction for stew are here submitted. Ingredients: ' Q17 One white striped black cat ground up. 121 Fresh tender poison ivy leaves. 137 Sponges, filled with ground glass. t4l Analin and Arsenic for col- oring and seasoning. Equipment: C19 Gas mask and rubber gloves. Q27 Fire, pot, and water. Procedure: tip Affix mask and gloves. 123 Grind skunk and boil three lfturs. 135 Itemove gloves and add poi- s n ivy-you may add gloves too you wish. C-il Wait 15 minutes, then add remaining ingredients. C55 Open windows, evacuate - but quick. itil Return in an hour-eat. t7l Call undertaker and morgue. t8l Arrange funeral. il' tripped and spilled your colossal supper-your two raisins have fal- len to the floor. ' Page 27 Eh! Eh! Don't 'I'ouchThatLoan, Shark Attached This sad, sad story had to do with the trials and tirbulations of a man, shall we say Joe Drip, in procuring a loan. After failing in his attempt to put the B on his friend, Joe spots an ad from the Lambchop Loan Inc. It seems that Lamb-chop, Inc. dealt in large, substantial, meaty loans. Joe immediately ran down to his car, brushed out the inside, picked up tl1e dead vultures and zipped over to Lambies, Inc. Entering the office, Joe was greeted by the sight of a fair female whom he took to be a. secretary, or something. He said, Hello, Babe, picked himself up, brushed off the burlap suit that he blamed on the Japs, and decided to try another approach. As he sat down his men- tal black-out was interrupted by a scream, some sounds of scuffing, and cries of But I can't pay youse this week. This might have frightened some people way, but not Joe. He needed the money. Just when he was beginning to doubt the company's assurances of fast prompt service, a big black darkness suddenly enveloped him and dragged him into an inner of- fice marked Worthington Van Smythe, Vice President in charge of suckers. Our hero awoke to find a creature with green hair, purple skin, and a creamy peach nose looking at him. The creature, whom Joe took to be Van Smythe, came to the point by saying, Wat'll it be, sucker? Ig- noring the slur, Joe made a request fo rthe paltry sum of S64,000,000,- 000. It seemed, he explained, that in a. weak moment he had promised to help Morgenthau out. Van Smythe assured Joe that he could have had that amount only he did- n't have change for a SS65,000,000,- 000 bill, and so it couldn't be done. Di-ippy then requested S25 for incidentals and that'new blonde. The Vice-President was only too haDDy to take charge of the deal himself, personally, as a favor to Joe. But there was a small matter of collateral. Joe was given the choice of leaving his mother, his right arm, his gold-plated yo-yo, or two pounds of sugar. He naturally chose the yo-yo because his mother was deceased, the blonde wouldn't be much good without the right arm, and of course you understand about the sugar. Drippy was permitted to leave then, and the Vice-President of Lamb-Chops Loans, Inc. rubbed his hands joyfully as he let out the chain attached to the leg of his latest customer.

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April 1, 1942 1. an anuuuc Disappointed in Love? This May Solve Problem Don't pull your hair out fellows it your girl friend has left you. She would probably like you bel-tel' with hair anyway. Write and tell me your troubles and when I an- swer you will know that you have wasted a stamp. To answer some of my readers who have asked for my advice, I am publishing their letters and answering them. all Sli Ili Dear Voice of Inexperience: I have a choice of two girls to marry. One is good-looking but can't cook. The other can cook but is a sight. Which should I marry? I. M. Puzled. Dear I. M. Puzzled: It makes no difference which you marry. Send me the teleDh0!1e number of the other. vlf all 44 Dear Voice of Inexperience: I am fat and ugly but have a nice personality. No fellow ever takes me out. Life looks hopeless to me. What am I to do? Ugly Puss. Dear Ugly Pussr Your problem is indeed a diffi- cult one. To you I suggest, rob a bank so that some gold digger will marry you and try to outlive you for your dough. FFF Dear Voice of Inexperience: All the girls love me and want to marry me. I have to fight them off with a gun. I want to marry one, which shall I marry? Olie the Swede. Dear Olie: Why marry one girl and make her sad when you can make mil- lions happy by staying single? il lk Ik Dear Voice of Inexperlence: I'm 92 years old and spry as a young'un, but no one will take me out. Maybe my wig does come off and my glass eye wiggles a. bit, but still I think someone should take me out. I. M. Spry. Dear I. M. Spry: You need to learn how to rhum- ba and jlve so that when someone says, Come on worm, let's wrig- gle, you can do a shag. Now with 25,000 wrappers from Carly's ciga- rettes I will send you my free book, Twenty Thousand Ways to Become the Life of the Morgue. If you have any other problems that need settling, just drop a line to the Voice of Inexperience, 1313 Goofsborough Road, Dunning, Il- linois. I will be glad to render any service I can to help you in your hour of need. Barney 0'Toole, The Biggest Fool Barney O'Toole turned over on his back and took a one-eyed glance at the clock. Seven o'clock. Ellen, me love, the little red- faced Irishman shouted, what day is today? April the first, and it's a fool ye are if ye don't get up and enjoy this lovely day, his loving mate responded. 'I'hat's what I thought. With this, Barney turned over on his back and slept again, but not for long. After a moment the words, get up you lazy Irishman came ringing in his ear. Barney O'Toole crept farther under the blankets. For how could he tell his wife what awful things were in store for him on April first. Why, just last year he nearly had heart failure because someone had sent him a telegram saying that he had won a thousand dollars in a contest. No sirree. Barney O'Toole told his wife he would not budge from his bed all day or touch a bite of food. I'm taking no chances, Ellen, me sweet. O. K. O'Toole, stay in bed. But I warn ye, if ye should win a con- test or inherit some money I won't get ye up at all. O'Toole slept on. Outside the voices of children playing April Fool jokes and laugh- ing came drifting in to Barney. The sound of Mrs. Murphy and Ellen discussing washing soaps and cuts of meat over the back fence bored him. So he slept on. His aunt from New Jersey, pass- ing through town, came to visit him. The aunt had lots of money, and was very insulted by Barney's conduct. But he slept on. After the sun began to set and the breeze died down, Ellen O'Toole was sitting in the kitchen peeling potatoes for her supper when there came a loud knock at the door. Ellen slowly opened lt and peeked out. We don't want none. Lady, I'm not selling anything. I just wanted to tell you that your husband - the gentleman at the door started excitedly. I don't believe lt. Mrs. O'Toole, please listen. Your husband just -. Good bye, young man. Ellen pushed at the door, but the man persisted. Finally he shouted. Mrs, O'Toole, your husband for- got to attend the pollcemen's an- nual picnic today and he just won 51,000.00 on that lottery ticket he bought last week. Young man, are you trying to make a fool out of me? Ellen started at the man with the frying pan. No, mam, but I sure made one out of your husband. He was sup- Gather Round, Lookie Here, Something Queer! by Kralik and Singer Have you heard the latest news? No encores will be given, No D's to give the blues, No homework, brainless livin'? Mooney lets you run through halls Whistling is permitted, When it snows, make some balls And be sure your target's hitted. Teacher passes out the gum For chewing is the rage, Everyone is smart, not dumb, No isolation cage 115 Being tardy is the fad, Cutting is encouraged, Be sure to make your teachers mad Bad marks will be discouraged. Is everybody happy now With our new type of school? We hate to disappoint you, but Gosh! It's April Fool! C19 Editor's note-Directed study. Superman Loyolan Surprises Faculty Superman who is now residing at Loyola Universiyt, showed his displeasure of a. ruling stating all must take gym to build up muscles, by pulling the iron supporting rods from the bannister and wrapping them around the railing. It is interesting to speculate upon the home life of this delicate child. His bedroom offers possibilities. With commendable foresight most of the furniture is bolted to the floor. Walled around with lreln- forced concrete and tastefully de- corated with teakwood, it is a room in which anything up to three-inch artillery is wholly en regle. The Dean, who deplores any manifestation of student avenging angel instincts extended a care- fully worded invitatlon to the male- factor to drop in for a quiet chat at his convenience. The dean undoubtedly has in mind a job at a government ar- senal, where his talents would be afforded added scope. There, he might have fun boring sixteen-inch rifles with his finger-nails, or in an emergency, a. pinch-hit for a punch press or a gear-cutting machine. The Loyola News. posed to claim that money before 6:00-it's two minutes after six now-and I'm the next winner. Goodbye. And O'Toole, the biggest fool, slept on. Henry Red? Betty Bold? Watifs Tell Watif : Christie were a whlpper instead of a Lascher? Lois were a paw instead of a Mau? Henry were red instead of Green? Marion were a cucumber instead of a Gercken? Beverly were a crooner instead of a Singer? Tom were a setter instead of a Parker? Jeanette were Shinola instead of Griffin? Donald were iron instead of Zlnk? Catherine were Louis instead of Dempsey? Betty were bold instead of Meek? Rita were jumpy instead of Hop- pe? Walter were creeks instead of Brooks? James were hate instead oi Love? Doris were John's son instead ol Peterson? Jeanette were a wolf instead of a Fox? James could see less instead ol Semar? Jeanne had hydrophobia instead of Rabbetsl? , Betty were slapped instead ol Beaton? Cleo were an upper plate lnsteat of a Lopate? Joan were poorle instead oi Richey? John were a teacher instead o a Pulppo? Donald were a dope instead of 1 Jirkfaj? Richard were ugly instead 0 Hansen? Don were a washer instead of 1 Ringer? Annette were asparagus lnstean of Kahle? Max were a beer barrel in teal of a Weinstein? Jack were pinely instead o Oakley? Ruth were a weekly instead ot Daly? Jean were ale instead of Beers? Lorraine were part wool lnstea of Allfeldt? George were a playman lnstea of a Workman? Jack were a knocker instead of Rapper? .ii...l...... ..1- Irving were Rachel instead 1 Ruben? Margaret were a runner lnstea of a Walker? Clarence were a coat instead of Vestfall? Miss Capron were a June hor instead of a Maybelle?