South Side High School - Totem Yearbook (Fort Wayne, IN)

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THE TOTEM Utopian Daze By BYRON SPIEGEL The facts and figures aren't quite clear, but, as I remember it, I woke up all of a sudden in a strange room. Ar first, I just lay there and looked around me. The room had neither walls nor ceiling, but, in- stead, seemed to be half a hollow sphere placed on a black plane. The light that illuminated the room was coming from behind this shell. As I raised myself, I noticed that the bed on which I lay was one of those types that had a mattress which sank a foot and springs which sank a foot. Not only were my two feet sunk, but my hands, arms, head, and body were sunk also. I was sunk, or had a sinking spell without the aid of a sinking fund. About that time I had a feeling that someone else was in the room. You know, that feeling that makes you want to turn around. Upon looking around, I saw a very graceful fshe was the three graces in onej and charming young lady coming toward me. I-Ier smile was so disarming that she would be an ideal represen- tative at a peace conference. As she was all decked out in white, I imagined myself in a hospital or a factory where cigars are made that are not touched by human handsf, Thinking I was in the former place, I began to feel myself and was greatly relieved to find myself in one piece. She, however, informed me fshe must have been a mind reader, that I was in a clinic. She no sooner had spoken than two bearded and bespectacled old men entered. They were dressed very strangely. As a matter of fact, they might have been wearing Russian pajamas, like the pretty red ones I once had. These suits, or whatever you call them, were skin tight, just like something that's streamlined. They both chuckled as I eyed them, and finally one, who because his mental superiority had evidently stepped off the comic page, came and sat on a bench by my bed. After a few moments of reliection, during which time he looked like a monkey in a,zoo or a high school pupil, he applied something to my chest that looked like a stethoscope and told me to stop admiring the young lady, as the sound of my heart was breaking his ear drums. So at his incessant requests, my fancies turned from thoughts of love. He then started to make a thorough examination of my poor frame. Ar this point even I would have and did become inquisitive and ask for an explanation. To begin with he introduced himself as Doctor Arian. As I was about to tell him who I was, he mentioned my name. This, of course, astonished meg but he had gone on and introduced his friend, whose name I have forgot- ten, and my nurse, Aglia. I-Ie then stated that the date was June l, 2934. At this, I let out a groan that must have shaken the surrounding seven counties, and passed off into another sleep. Upon being revived, I asked where I was. Doc Arian's smiling countenance went to a superlative cle- gree as he said one word, Utopia. I-Ie stated that I could inspect the country as soon as I regained strength. I-le added that during my thousand years' sleep, everything had been discovered and put to practical use. I-Ie said this might shock me, and it was as if electricity had been passed through meg but he reassured me I would get used to it. He mentioned that he would personally show me around, but I de- clined, saying that his time was undoubtedly precious and perhaps the fair young lady would act as my guide. I-le smiled and said it was to be as I desired it. For the next few days I did nothing but Cat my carbohydrates, fats, and proteins, which were put up in the form of crackers, wafers, and capsules. On the day I was preparing to sally forth on my tour of inspection, the doctor came in and told me I would see a number of people I had known, as a large number of people had been overcome by gas in the conscious- twentieth century and had just recovered ness that year. At this I took great delight, and Aglia and I stepped out of the house into the transporta- tion belt. We hadn't gone very far 'till I saw a person with the most gosh-awful frown. As he passed us, it came to me that he must be a cartoonist I once knewl. Upon reaching home, I turned on the television radio and was just in time to see a preacher and hear him say, I pronounce you man and wife. As I looked closer, I was able to recognize the face and frame of a brick-topped friend? of mine that fell for a poetical valedictorian. And upon taking a second look I discovered that the girl by his side was the poetical valedictorian.3 That evening I asked Aglia a number of questions. The first was about the existing government. To that she replied that the people were so perfect that there was no need for govrnment. Next, I asked what was happening in the held of arts and literature. After a moment she said that because there were no more original plots, there hadn't been a book written in the last century. As for the arts, that field was also worked out. I then asked how men spent their time. She said that during the first thirty years of their lives, men got their education and training. Then they worked from two to three years. For the remaining hundred hfty years, they just read andreread volumes of other centuries. One of the greatest works, he told, was a great American novel written by Herman O. Makey. 112

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THE TOTEM Column one: Part of the cast of In Hinky Doodle Town, Kenneth Monesmith and Helen Flaig. The annual Christmas tree. Why the Booster Club blushes,-bottoms up. lThis was supposed to have been a silhouettej Column two: Health hints. Some more Yankee-Doodles who went to town, --Bob Klopfenstein, Bud Schrom, Ralph Dale, and Don Sinish. The Spirit of '76 in '34. A typical commencement service. Column three: Mrs. Stucky, baker of pies, extraordinary. South Side's original iron woman, W'e'd give the little lady a big hand,-but-somebody beat us to it.

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THE TOTEM About that time Dr. Arian came in and asked me if I would care to witness a boy's education. After giving an affirmative answer, I went with the Doc to his lab. There he stuck a bunch of tubes into the youngster and turned on the valves. After about five minutes, he turned off the valves and removed the tubes. He then gave the boy a ream of paper and a book of questions. The results were so startling to me that I knew that the excuse about being absent the morning brains were handed out was no longer good. Hence I submitted to a bit of education, which, I may adcl, was a pleasure for the first time. The next day I went out again and saw many of me ole fransf, There was that little guy known as Twelve Dozen. 4 There was a lanky guy5 wearing a tam and carrying a book published in 1934. Of course, I met a lot of old girl friends, and was sur- prised that the long sleep had worked no miracles in the line of beauty. But I donit mean to imply that these girls needed a beauty sleep. Oh, no. Why I can remember the days when a beauty operator could take ten years off their mothers' ages, five years off their own ages, and add fifteen years to their fathers' ages by making them worry about paying the bills. But as I was saying before I was so rudely inter- upted, I saw some girl friends. And who would you rather like to meet than two girls that remind you of Miss Alcottis book, Little Women. 'l One of the little girls has hair that has an affinity for dye. Not knowing the other very well, I should say that she is just a sweet little thing. As I was reaching for a shot of Will Roger fgum, you lugj a girl known as i'Shanghai Li1 7 ups and asks me for a stick. I just had time to get my pen out of sight when she asked for it. She always was funny that way. Now I am going to give you three guesses, whom do you think I saw next? I'll give you a little hint, he didn't have a Roman nose, or Nordic either. Ar the time I saw him he was applying a bit of high-pressure salesmanship to a man that he had cornered. If I remember correctly, he was trying to sell some furni- ture. Now I am not sure, but I think that his name was Aloysius.S Really, that name is as bad as Eppim- mennides, the name which was given to that curly headed kid that aspired to be a diplomatf' I was really surprised to see the next two people, and I wasn't sure till I moved closer and heard their conversation. One hears sometimes that the church does not care for society, she said, and then one hears that it does. 1 0 Q'Yes, oh, yes, he replied.11 Now I really thought that was too clever for words, just think fyou do it, I get paid for thinkingl they had remembered those lines from the Senior Play. As I strolled along the avenue I saw a dignified gentleman carrying a brief case with a business-like 113 manner. This rather shocked me as I never before knew that I was twins. fEditor's note: These last few lines should have been deleted. These authors are awfully conceited people. Author's reply: May I be so bold as to call myself a humorist. And in answer to the above charge state that we whose hair grows white in service must look after our own publicity., Surely after a heated argument with a publisher not even an uninterested reader would mind going out to the sea shore. Mind it or not, that's where I went. There I indulged in drinking in the view and a few gallons of water. While I didn't exactly pay any atten- tion to the bathers, I might state that the apparel was no less shocking than that of 1934. fSeek the faint bit of pun in the above., After the bit of communion with Neptune a great feast would have been wonderful but poor me had to sit down to the customary crackers, capsules, and wafers. Ah, sweet were the memories of those potlucks. Even a big picnic, ants included, was swell. Yes, no matter what people say, I still believe that a big meal is just it, but then one must live and learn. One thing that it took me this long period to learn, or to think up, was a statement to justify a bad habit, belching. After much effort was expounded and wasted, I finally have a motto: It is better to burp and suffer shame, Than to not burp and suger pain. There is really one thing that I like about Utopia. That was the lack of need for a regulated day. One could sleep, eat, drink, and be merry or get married any time of the day or night. Business places in Utopia could be compared to the open day and night gas stations of the twentieth century. Going home that evening I heard someone chant, Did hie me up from my tick, etc.',13 Then someone shouted, Mr. Wilson, there's get- ting to be a little fall in the airfiw After rounding the corner I heard, I'm not angry with you, but I'm just not happy, that's a1l.,'H I was, by that time, hearing so many hauntingly familiar cries that I ran till I reached home. Once in the house, I began to feel drowsy. I could feel myself dozing off. I shook myself a bit and straightened up. Shortly, I dozed off again, and Aglia started to shake me violently and shout, Wakeup. Wake upf' Finally when I came to, I found myself in the chemistry room with Herbert S. Voorhees shaking the daylights out of me. When I was fully awake, he informed me that I had just slept through an ether demonstration. He added that I might finish my nap during my next class. Funny man. 'Eugene Craig, 2Geralcl Farries, RRoberta Garton, 'Mark Gross, :Bob Parrish, Marie Butler and Elinor Siebet, 7Elaine Thompson, Tom Kaplan, Vjohn Dern, Edith Spangle, UHamilton Williams, uErnie Williams, Upat Beall, John Brown.